The Void

[Konstantinos]

When the Valley appeared
the Forest was just an idea.

The man was happy, endlessly.
He was in love with life,
turning black to white.
It was like playing a game,
an attempt to fly away.
Everyone was lovely
and everything was bright.
But it was too much
to be completely right.
The man fell asleep, carelessly.

He dreamed of spirits
and some eerie entities.
They seemed helpful.
They seemed destroyable.
They gave him advice
to sleep a little longer
for not to feel the pain,
for not to watch the unseen.
He didn't listen to them
and then he woke up
just to find himself
walking through a gap.

When the Valley of Light married Misty Forest,
it was Heaven,
it was Hell.
But became Desert in the End.
Now nothingness exists
and knowledge doesn't know.
The man was trapped between
things known and unknown.

[Arian]

Hi K., and welcome.

I'm not sure if presenting this entirely in italics is of significance, but - if so - I've missed the point, I'm afraid.

In fact, I think I'm rather missing the point of the whole thing. It has the air of some kind of retelling of the creation myth/genesis/adam&Eve thing, but I'm sure that's not it. Either that, or it's some kind of allegory for the Dantean story of man's descent into the moral abyss. OK, so I'm rambling. Really, I've no idea. Sorry.

Normally, I'd find myself able to put aside the 'meaning' of the piece (which is often an overrated aspect of a poem), and comment on other poetic aspects, such as tropes, rhythm, expression etc. But this piece depends, so it seems, so heavily on the impenetrable (to me) narrative aspect, that it seems to do completely away with poeticism. So that angle for complimenting the piece is lost to me, too.

I'm sorry to sound so negative. Please don't take my word for anything - I'm just one voice. It's good that you've posted.

Cheers
peter

[Konstantinos]

Hello! I am glad you answered.

There was no significance in writing in italics.

It was not my intention to make the meaning obvious or not. If it does, it's alright and if it does not, the same. Though, it has a personal meaning to me and everything is allegoric. But I am sorry if you can't relate yourself to this poem.

Would you mind to explain what do you mean by that line?

"But this piece depends, so it seems, so heavily on the impenetrable (to me) narrative aspect, that it seems to do completely away with poeticism."

[Mark101]

Hello Konstantinos

I'm inclined to agree with Peter on the whole. I read the piece 3 times, and I get that in the beginning, things were good, then something happened, maybe some advice was ignored and then all went wrong. It does have the feel of something personally experienced, rather than just made up, but more than I couldn't say.

There are a lot of imaginative lines, and in places, good rhythm.

I didn't understand in the first stanza, if "Everything is bright", why did he "attempt to fly away"? That seemed out of place somehow.

Is this a first draft or have you edited it a time or two? I ask because it has the feel of a great idea (which I liked), as yet to be refined.

Thanks
Mark

[Konstantinos]

Thank you for your answer, Mark. I appreciate it.

[Arian]

Would you mind to explain what do you mean by that line?

"But this piece depends, so it seems, so heavily on the impenetrable (to me) narrative aspect, that it seems to do completely away with poeticism."

Sure. I meant that the poet (you) seems very keen to impart meaning by 'telling a story' (there's a clear narrative flow, with a beginning, a middle and an end). But, in telling the story, there is very little use of other poetic devices, such as figures of speech, rhyme, alliteration, assonance etc. So if, like me, you miss the point of the 'story', which I fully realised was allegorical, there's nothing else to take from the piece. Sometimes, you can miss the 'point' of a poem, but still enjoy reading it for its expression, rhythm, imagery etc. But not here, I'm afraid. The (allegorical) narrative is everything. Miss the point of that, and you miss everything.

I hope that's useful!
Cheers
Peter

[cynwulf]

To me the ideas in this have the arcane mythopoietic sweep of some of Blake's prophetic poems, but without the grandiloquence that goes with that genre; apocalyptic material needs heightened language, I feel. My imagination can't grasp the allegory you propose, I can see is something lurking here - glimpses waver but dissolve before they enter my full consciouness.
Regards, C.

[Konstantinos]

To me the ideas in this have the arcane mythopoietic sweep of some of Blake's prophetic poems, but without the grandiloquence that goes with that genre; apocalyptic material needs heightened language, I feel. My imagination can't grasp the allegory you propose, I can see is something lurking here - glimpses waver but dissolve before they enter my full consciouness.
Regards, C.

BULLSEYE!! Did "marriage" make you find this out?

William Blake is my favourite poet..


As far as I would like to write in a "heightened language", I am afraid I am not able to do that anytime soon. I am not an Englishman and it's not too long since I started learning seriously the language. So it's going to be too long until I write like the most of the poets here. I still find it difficult to express myself in English. It's coming mostly from my head and not my soul. But that's why I am here. I need your guidance.

Konstantinos

[Konstantinos]

Would you mind to explain what do you mean by that line?

"But this piece depends, so it seems, so heavily on the impenetrable (to me) narrative aspect, that it seems to do completely away with poeticism."

Sure. I meant that the poet (you) seems very keen to impart meaning by 'telling a story' (there's a clear narrative flow, with a beginning, a middle and an end). But, in telling the story, there is very little use of other poetic devices, such as figures of speech, rhyme, alliteration, assonance etc. So if, like me, you miss the point of the 'story', which I fully realised was allegorical, there's nothing else to take from the piece. Sometimes, you can miss the 'point' of a poem, but still enjoy reading it for its expression, rhythm, imagery etc. But not here, I'm afraid. The (allegorical) narrative is everything. Miss the point of that, and you miss everything.

I hope that's useful!
Cheers
Peter

Yes, that's why I thought the first time you said this, but I had hope you weren't going to mean that.

Alright, thank you Peter. I can see that. You are obviously right. Maybe it's not even a poem.

[Konstantinos]

Uh, whatever.. Better luck next time..

[Arian]

You are obviously right. Maybe it's not even a poem.

Not obviously, K. This kind of thing is extremely subjective, and I'm just saying how the piece came across to me, as one individual. Others may well take a lot from it, and consider it very much a poem. I think it's great that you're writing in the first place, and then engaging in constructive discussion about your work. That's useful and interesting for all of us. Whatever I think about the piece itself, I enjoyed reading it and discussing it with you.

Cheers
peter

[Konstantinos]

Thank you Peter.

Well, you're obviously right to my perspective. This could be a nice story and it would be better if we'd leave it at that, because I took an other closer look and it lacks any kind of melody. You realize it when you read it out loud. It's boring!

[cynwulf]

No, K, marriage is a clue , but it was the whole tenor of the piece rather than one word or phrase that brough WB to mind.
τα παντα ρ'ει και ουδεν μενει-sorry can't remember the accents.
Regards, C.

[Konstantinos]

No, K, marriage is a clue , but it was the whole tenor of the piece rather than one word or phrase that brough WB to mind.
τα παντα ρ'ει και ουδεν μενει-sorry can't remember the accents.
Regards, C.

Hahaha.. Very nice to meet you!!