revision2
She likes to steam iron a trouser crease
to steer him through the day and if he's late
she buries keys beneath the basil pot.
She likes to free the figurines from dust
with his toothbrush, which hums as if a bee
has lost his queen within the honeyed hive.
She likes her lover tangled in spaghetti
on her fork; limbs as white as uncooked chips,
a distinct scent beneath the polished floor.
========================================================================================
revision1
She likes to steam iron a trouser crease
to steer him through the day and if he's late
she buries keys beneath the basil pot.
She likes to clean the porcelain figurines
with his toothbrush, which hums as if a bee
has lost his queen within the honeyed hive.
She likes her lover tangled in spaghetti
on her fork; limbs as white as uncooked chips,
a distinct scent beneath the polished floor.
============================================================================================================
original
She likes to steam iron a trouser crease
to steer him through the day and if he's late
she buries keys beneath the basil pot.
She likes to clean the porcelain figurines
with his toothbrush, which hums as if a bee
had lost a hive brimming with honeyed lives.
She likes her lover tangled in spaghetti
on her fork, limbs as white as uncooked chips,
a distinct scent beneath the polished floor.
A Heart Tells All (revision2)
-
JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
Hi mac,
A bit disturbing this one, at least that's how it seems to me. Nevertheless, it IS a gripping poem. If anything it doesn't go far enough
as it reads like a pared down version of a longer piece.
Best
JJ
A bit disturbing this one, at least that's how it seems to me. Nevertheless, it IS a gripping poem. If anything it doesn't go far enough
as it reads like a pared down version of a longer piece.
I could be wrong, of course, and I don't think it's necessary to spell out the entire poem, but an extra hint might help.Macavity wrote:She likes to steam iron a trouser crease
to steer him through the day and if he's late
she buries keys beneath the basil pot. ...I like the use of 'buries' rather than 'hides'. I immediately imagined something of a sinister nature was taking place.
She likes to clean the porcelain figurines
with his toothbrush, which hums as if a bee
had lost a hive brimming with honeyed lives. ...not quite getting 'brimming with honeyed lives' Love the toothbrush.
She likes her lover tangled in spaghetti
on her fork, limbs as white as uncooked chips, ...an eerie metaphor and simile. Chilling.
a distinct scent beneath the polished floor. ...suggests she has buried him beneath the polished floor
Best
JJ
Long time a child and still a child
-
JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
Is it Edgar Allan Poe? The Tell-Tale Heart. A very popular short story about dismemberment and burial under floor boards. I was surprised to readMacavity wrote:Thank C. and JJ. Both spot on. But what is the literary link?
all the best
mac
of the enormous number of adaptations, on stage, film, radio etc. I like your adaptation.
Best
JJ
Long time a child and still a child
-
ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Haven't you posted this before or something like it? Or have you just got a spaghetti fetish? That's a lovely final verse, anyhow.
had lost a hive brimming with honeyed lives. - sounds a bit awkward to me
had lost a hive brimming with honeyed lives. - sounds a bit awkward to me
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
-
laurenharper
- Posts: 19
- Joined: Mon Apr 27, 2015 2:26 am
I really enjoyed reading this and love the concept.
My only suggestion is to consider revising the line about the hum of the bee. Given the act of using the toothbrush vigorously, I would think about comparing the hum to work performed by the bee. You may want to ignore this advice, as I am a true novice
My only suggestion is to consider revising the line about the hum of the bee. Given the act of using the toothbrush vigorously, I would think about comparing the hum to work performed by the bee. You may want to ignore this advice, as I am a true novice