The Last Battle (Revised - a bit more)

[Katherine]

The Last Battle

By Trow Rocks on South Shields beach
the semi-ancient Britons built their defences;
multicoloured windbreaks finished the palisade.
Wherein, four Boudiccas in headscarves held court.
A mini gas stove kept thermos flasks replenished
for their day-long tea-break and constant conversation.

Meanwhile, their tribes combined forces and sallied forth
in battle garb - half-naked and turning blue,
they fought wave after wave, attacking their defences,
returning behind the palisade only to fortify themselves
with supplies from sweating tupperware boxes.
Then, undaunted, re-grouped and rejoined the fray.

Alas, the enemy's tidal assault could not be turned back.
As shadows lengthened, the chieftains called the final retreat.
Their last cigarettes had gone up in smoke;
so, now, had all hopes of victory over the foe.
As the ramparts fell, the tribes' chariots sped away.
They would not fight another day.



.................................................................................................
The Last Battle

By Trow Rocks on South Shields beach
the semi-ancient Britons built their defences.
Multicoloured windbreaks completed the palisade
wherein, four Boudiccas in headscarves held court.
A mini gas stove kept vacuum flasks replenished
for their day-long tea-break and constant conversation.

Meanwhile, their tribes combined forces and sallied forth
in battle garb - half-naked and turning blue,
they fought wave after wave, attacking their defences,
returning behind the palisade only to fortify themselves
with supplies from sweating, tupperware boxes.
Then, undaunted, re-grouped and rejoined the fray.

Alas, the enemy's tidal assault could not be turned back.
As shadows lengthened, the chieftains called the final retreat.
Their last cigarettes had gone up in smoke;
so, now, had all hopes of victory over the foe.
As the ramparts fell, the tribes' chariots sped away.
They would not fight another day.





...........................................................................................................

The Last Battle.

By Trow Rocks on South Shields beach
the semi-ancient Britons built their defences.
Multicoloured windbreaks completed the palisade
wherein, four Boudiccas in headscarves held court.
A mini gas stove kept vacuum flasks replenished
for their day-long tea-break of endless conversation.

Meanwhile, their tribes combined forces and sallied forth
in battle garb - half-naked and turning blue,
they fought wave after wave, striking their defences,
returning behind the palisade only to fortify themselves
with supplies from sweating, tupperware boxes.
Then, undaunted, re-grouped and rejoined the fray.

Alas, the enemy's tidal assault could not be turned back.
As shadows lengthened, the chieftains called the final retreat.
Their last cigarettes had gone up in smoke
so, now, had all hopes of victory over the foe.
As the ramparts fell, the tribes' chariots sped away.
They would not fight another day - summer had ended.

[Arian]

They would not fight another day.

Until, of course, next summer.

This, to my mind, is good poetry Katherine. You've made a point by choosing a clever conceit, and you've sustained it well without over-straining it. Your expression is a mix of amusing and interesting, and you've kept the tone relaxed and the rhythm easy. There's no pretence here; no overt effort to 'be a poem'. You've said what you want to say in an original and engaging way.

I don't know your background, but it seems to me that you're no stranger to the written word. This smacks of experience. It's very good.

I could nitpick about some things. But then I could about Shakespeare.

Impressed.

Cheers
peter

[ray miller]

I like it very much.The only major suggestion I'd have is to omit the last 3 words of the poem. You don't have to explain everything.
I love the semi-ancient Britons

.for their day-long tea-break of endless conversation. - maybe endless is a bit obvious.

half-naked and turning blue, - nice one

striking their defences, - maybe I'm missing summat, seems an odd way to put it. setting out defences?

Their last cigarettes had gone up in smoke
so, now, had all hopes of victory over the foe. - semicolon after smoke?

[Arian]

The only major suggestion I'd have is to omit the last 3 words of the poem. You don't have to explain everything.

Yes, fair point. It would work sans that bit.

[Antcliff]

Yes, I liked this too, Katherine. Very good.

I see there is debate about the last line. I am in two minds about it. From the viewpoint of information, the title has already given the information from the first half of the line, so another option might be to just have "The summer had ended". However, I quite like the end as it is.. perhaps because the first half of the last line sounds so dramatic, but then is made less dramatic by the ordinary explanation. And in a way that contrast is the core of the poem, with the grand talk of battles and fortification when in reality it is a more domestic, family scene. So perhaps it fits.

Seth

[Katherine]

Thank-you for your very kind appraisal Peter. I'm so pleased you liked it and am flattered.
I've cropped the last three words. To be quite honest, I was unsure about them so, I'm pleased.
Cheers. x

[Katherine]

Thanks Ray, I struck off the ending, I think you're right and had thought as much myself.
I've changed 'striking' to 'attacking' because you're right again, 'striking' is unclear.
As for the semi-colon, you're quite right, for the third time but, there's no prize, except gratitude.
Cheers. x

[Katherine]

Pleased you liked this too Seth. Your defense of the original last line is good; I'm half-convinced; I'm in a quandary.
Thanks for nothing!
No, cheers! x

[JJWilliamson]

Hi, Katherine

You have penned an evocative description of a family day out to the seaside. The extended battle metaphor is brilliant
in its conception and very amusing in its execution. The title and some of the imagery remind me of Clive Staples Lewis'
conclusion to his Narnia chronicles; even the diction flits from Narnia to the beach. If I'm right and this was your intention
from the outset my hat is off to you.

loved it, no nits to speak of

Best

JJ

[nar]

Hey, Katherine.

I read the revision, and took something entirely different from the original poem. For me, the last line was alluding to the decline of that type of holiday. "They would not..." was quite final: never again. So those 3 dropped words made all the difference.

I can't add much more that the others have said. Kudos for this; it's well written , and well thought out.

Thanks for the smile it raised...

- Neil

[Katherine]

Very kind words indeed JJ, thank-you.
I thought instantly of CS Lewis when I named the poem, being a lover of The Chronicles of Narnia - no wardrobe was left unexplored. However, there lies my only knowing reference.

Thank-you too Neil.

For me, the last line was alluding to the decline of that type of holiday.

I know what you mean and because this is very much autobiographical, this wasn't my meaning. The beach was our summer playground, with or without the four aunties - who must be obeyed - and we would, as Peter said, return the next summer. I thought -"The summer had gone"- would make that clear. However, the Ancient Britons, after Bouddica's Rebellion, never rose again.

So, here's my quandary - Should I leave it as it stands or change it back?

I think I like the idea of leaving the interpretation to others and hope they enjoy what they see in the poem. As Ray said

You don't have to explain everything.

Thanks both of you, once again, for taking the time to comment and being very generous.
Cheers. x

[Macavity]

hi Katherine,
I agree with Seth on the original ending. A most entertaining write.

all the best

mac

[Ros]

Don't need commas after wherein or sweaty. I like it with the more ambiguous ending.

Ros

[Katherine]

I've seen that many poems on this forum lack punctuation. Questions are asked without question marks and there's not a full-stop nor capital letter in sight.
To tell you the truth, Ros - it's intimidating! It's anarchy! I'm just, too set in my ways.
Adjectives need commas.
Forgive me; I'll have to loosen up. This was my first attempt at free-verse style.
I've decided, after much deliberation, to leave the last line as it is; I think you're right.
Cheers. x

[Katherine]

Thanks Mac, I've decided on the revision. I've come to believe you don't always need to spell it out.

The fact that the 'Boudiccas' wore headscarves, should have hinted that this day was the last gasp of summer. Although, on Shields beach it's sometimes hard to tell!
So, I mean to leave it as it is now. I think.
Cheers. x

[Macavity]

I've come to believe you don't always need to spell it out.

I think that it is a useful tool for a template generalisation, though obviously Seth's subtle response was in the context of this particular poem. Either way there is a choice to be made and you have made it! The more difficult choice is when there is a consensus of opinion - and the consensus is wrong!

Multicoloured windbreaks completed the palisade
wherein, four Boudiccas in headscarves held court.

When I'm reading a poem with punctuation I look to that punctuation to orchestrate a reading eg where the poet is looking for pause to give emphasis or pace the reading. Of course, how one sound ends and another sound begins has an effect too - wherein/four and sweating/tupperware. In the latter example the movement from the back to the front of the mouth, that stress on the 't' after the -ing, introduces some pause effect. On the other hand how poem's are actually read, in my limited experience, can be very variable - on another forum, we once read each other's poems and proved to me how little control the writer has over a reading. Just some thoughts

all the best

mac

[Ros]

I'm a fan of punctuation too - but surely here

Multicoloured windbreaks completed the palisade
wherein, four Boudiccas in headscarves held court.

is just one phrase with no need for a comma?

and yes, I'd use commas to separate adjectives, but not to separate the adjective from the noun.

Ros

[bodkin]

and yes, I'd use commas to separate adjectives, but not to separate the adjective from the noun.

My research says that "wherein" is a conjunction or an adverb, in this case surely the former...

Is this an example of what I often do, which is putting commas in places I would pause when reading?

I too think this is nicely conceived and phrased.

What I would say does let it down slightly is some erratic rhythm. Let me go through the first strophe...

The Last Battle

By Trow Rocks on South Shields beach
the semi-ancient Britons built their defences. "their" feels like a superfluous syllable, without that I feel it would run completely smoothly
Multicoloured windbreaks completed the palisade the rhyme here is awkward as well... if you could find a single syllable word to replace "completed" I think it might run smoothly. (Although depending how I come at it "Multicoloured windbreaks" even on its own sometimes makes me stumble...)
wherein, four Boudiccas in headscarves held court. "head scarves" is two beats where I was expecting one...
A mini gas stove kept vacuum flasks replenished Up to kept this runs smoothly, then "vaccuum" breaks the flow because it is strong-weak rather than weak-strong.
If you had "A mini gas stove kepttheir vaccuum flasks" then that would be perfect iambic pentameter (but possibly not where you want to break the line).
for their day-long tea-break and constant conversation.

On a wholly separate note, how about putting this into the present tense? Possibly the immediacy of that would bring the freshness of the scene out?

Ian

[Macavity]

Multicoloured windbreaks completed the palisade
wherein, four Boudiccas in headscarves held court.

My natural inclination is to read this without the comma. Reading it with the comma I'm almost forcing a pause in a stage direction way. Interesting effect. I think I'm agreeing with Ros and Ian. Glad I don't have to decide on an edit

all the best

mac

[Katherine]

I think you're right Ros. 'Wherein' was used as a conjunction so, I've made it begin the next sentence.
Also, I realise that 'tupperware box' can be considered as the noun so, I've changed that too. Thank-you.

Thank-you for the response Ian. I've changed 'completed' to 'finished' not perfect but, I think it's a little better.
I see what you mean about 'vacuum' so changed it to 'thermos'.
But, I'm going to leave the headscarved Boudiccas because, it describes perfectly, the scene that I have in my head
and I can't think of a better way in which to express it.
I really don't like the idea of present tense, sorry.

Thanks for popping back Mac. I've tried something slightly different with 'Wherein'.

Thank-you all, once again, for taking the time to help.
Cheers. x

[cynwulf]

'morning Katherine,
Late to this one, but wd like to add my praise to all the rest for this entertaining and very clever poem. Pleased you specified the location, made it very evocative to me of the distant past and similar occasions at Whitburn Beach (muckier then the pit was still working, now all cleaned up I gather). Just one niggle, for me the last line of verse1 seemed a touch elongated-'happy chatter' for 'constant conversation' wd lose 2 syllables- or some other equivalent.
regards, c.

[JJWilliamson]

Liking the revision, Katherine.

I think Cyn's suggestion is right on the button. I can imagine the matriarchs chattering away,
ignoring each other in a kind of frenzy, rather than the office 'conversation'.

Still a super read. Other Narnian observations: Defences, palisades, court, tribes, battle, half naked characters, blue people, fighting, regrouped, fray, enemy, chieftains, victory, ramparts, chariots. Are you sure this was a mere coincidence?

Best

JJ

[Ros]

I think the revision works, though I'm still not convinced by that 'wherein'.

Ros

[Katherine]

It was indeed 'happy chatter' in the matriarchal circle Cynwulf but, since I am trying to evoke thoughts of the Ancient Briton's rebellion against the Romans, the idea of 'happy chatter' doesn't cut it, for me. I could change it to 'stately conflab' for rhythmic purposes because, trust me, these women were 'Boudiccas'! I remember my cousin, on looking at a photograph, taken at a family party, of 'The Gang of Four', saying "Look at the power on that settee!"

JJ, this has nowt to do with Narnia. However, if I have unknowingly reflected Narnian imagery, it would be no surprise. Enid Blyton got me to read but, CS Lewis made me dream! Alan Garner and Tolkien followed swiftly after.

Ros, you're doing my head in!

Pleased you all think it's worth popping back.
Cheers. x

[Ros]

Ros, you're doing my head in!

I aim to please...