In My Room

[thoke]

I wrote this last September when I moved into a house with some friends. Any good?

In my room I
want to meet a
smoking caterpillar. I
want my room to
‘sure me I’ll take
trips through books and bottles. A
single bed will
do for me; all
I need’s in my room already.

[AshleyD]

Hi thoke,

I like your poem, I thought the image of the smoking catapillar was funny, quirky really! Also the 'trips through books and bottles' worked well here for me, as did the single bed. I think I'd see your room better with some more CONCRETE imagery.Maybe describing smaller things would make them more visible. Geoffrey Lehmann does this really well in 'Harold's Walk' if you have time. Good poem! I look forward to the next one!

Hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ashley.

[mick]

Hi Thoke. Not as keen on this as much as your "Sitting in my attic", though I liked "trips through books and bottles too. Caterpillar a bit "Alice in Wonderland I thought. I'm probably going to get slated by David here, but I don't understand why some lines end with no apparent reason, Like a demented, octgenarian driver on a motorway sliproad. If you do this for a reason, perhaps you could give me some tips on free verse, as I struggle to get to grips with the whole idea. Not trying to be picky here - just trying to learn. Cheers.
Mick.

[David]

I'm a slater. Bloody hell. Since when?

Sorry if I gave you that impression, Mick. (I thought I liked your poem?)

Thoke, I like this one as well. And I don't know why the lines end where they do either - I am by no means an expert on the subject - but they work well.

I like that sense of finding your own space within a larger (but friendly) space - I remember that myself.

Cheers,
David

[thoke]

The lines end where they do because I gave the poem a sort of metre, and I was trying to make the lines conform to it. Which is maybe not a good idea. Does it look better or worse like this?..

In my room I
want to meet
a smoking
caterpillar.
I want my room
to assure me
I’ll take trips
through books
and bottles.
A single bed
will do for me;
all I need’s
in my room
already.


(edited for spelling)

[mick]

Yes, I think it does, though the experienced guys would be better placed to answer. Strange how such a small change can have a large impact.
Thank you Thoke.
Mick.

[lemony]

Hi Thoke

I find the second version easier to read - the rhythm somehow works better, shorter snappier lines seem to suit this style of writing.

One small suggestion - feel free to ignore - I find the final three lines easier to read if changed from

'all I need’s
in my room
already.'

to

'all I need is
in my room
already.'

oh, and one 't' in 'caterpillar'.

Otherwise, I like the feeling of the room as a haven - a place that meets your needs. We all need a place that does that!

[anniecat]

hi, Is the smoking caterpillar and bottles connected haha, nice AC.