London to Sheffield

[David Smedley]

Your left on the train.
Lonesome Dove.

I meet Augustus, and 2 blue pigs
killing a rattle snake;
sleep beneath stars
and rustle cattle
with Captain Call and Pea Eye
by the light of a rustler's moon.

I laugh out loud at how Dishwater Bogget
gets his nick-name.
( He drinks dishwater after a day pushing cows
because other cowboys are crowding the fresh water.)
(People on the train look at me strangely.)

The whore Lorena enters the carriage
at Derby Station, gets captured by the Indian
Blue Duck, and is sorely treated.
I wish I had a Colt dragoon
like Augustus.

I drive cattle for ten days
from the Rio Grande to Montana,
and leave the Hat Creek boys
on a Peace Garden bench
in Sheffield.

[k-j]

Really good.

Confused by the first two lines. I mean I know what they're saying, but isn't something missing from line one? "Book" maybe? Perhaps better to just have one line "your Lonesome Dove left on the train."

After that, I can't see anything to change. I think the episodes from the book are well-chosen. I especially like "sorely treated" and that whole verse.

Only minor style issues - I think "two" is preferable to "2", and full stops belong outside parenthesis.

Lovely ending.

[Firebird]

David, I'm going to read this again tomorrow, as at the moment I'm struggling to get my head round what it's about. It's probably just me though - it's late. I understand it's journey, but is there another story/poem I need to have read to understand this poem?

All my best,

Firebird

[laurenharper]

David,
This is a wonderful piece. Finding Lonesome Dove left on a train - fortuitous! The ending is beautiful as you pass along your find to the next lucky voyager.
I have a a minor suggestion - removing the parentheses from (People on the train look at me strangely.)

Best,
Lauren

[Firebird]

David, I now understand that you probably have to be familiar with the novel 'Lonesome Dove' to fully understand this poem, so as I'm not I don't now feel I can offer any worthy feedback.

Sorry,

Firebird

[cynwulf]

Well, good to see you back, David. Enjoyed this piece immensely, a very nice idea, well expressed. Can we expect more from the Estate soon?
Best wishes,C.

[k-j]

David, I now understand that you probably have to be familiar with the novel 'Lonesome Dove' to fully understand this poem, so as I'm not I don't now feel I can offer any worthy feedback.

I'd not heard of the novel before reading this but I think the poem itself gives the reader a great idea of the novel. If anything the poem is better for people who don't know Lonesome Dove, as the narrator didn't until finding it on the train.

[Firebird]

I agree K-j. I've re-read it, and it all makes perfect sence now. It's a really nice poem. I especially like 'People on the train look at me strangely'. I'm hoping on a train that's leaving Sheffield right now and have just walked past the winter gardens.

Thanks David for a good read.

All my best,

Firebird

[Arian]

A terrific idea, very well executed. We all (don't we?) occasionally lapse into fantasy/daydreams based on our fave fiction, and this not only remarks on the fact, but does so with no little wit. The conflict between the romance of the characters, and the mundanity of a routine British train journey is very funny in general terms (at a concept level) and in specific terms (particular characters). The fate of the whore Lorena made me laugh out loud.

I agree with the comment about brackets - they're a bit awkward.

Still, a nit. Very well done, David.
Cheers
peter

[JJWilliamson]

Hi David

A 'lovely poem' indeed. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, particularly admiring the imagery and sense of place you so skilfully develop.

The close is exceptionally gratifying as the speaker leaves the book on a bench for an unsuspecting visitor. Very nice.

Your left on the train.
Lonesome Dove.

Maybe, 'You left Lonesome Dove on the train'

I meet Augustus, and 2 blue pigs
killing a rattle snake;
sleep beneath stars
and rustle cattle
with Captain Call and Pea Eye
by the light of a rustler's moon. ...'By the light of the silvery moon'. I can't remember the musical. (remember the tune though)

I laugh out loud at how Dishwater Bogget
gets his nick-name.
( He drinks dishwater after a day pushing cows
because other cowboys are crowding the fresh water.) ...Love it
(People on the train look at me strangely.) ...Smiled at this one. I can see it in my mind's eye.

The whore Lorena enters the carriage
at Derby Station, gets captured by the Indian
Blue Duck, and is sorely treated.
I wish I had a Colt dragoon
like Augustus. ...Plenty of double entendre from 'the whore' onwards.

I drive cattle for ten days
from the Rio Grande to Montana,
and leave the Hat Creek boys
on a Peace Garden bench
in Sheffield. ...Great

I see Gino Sheffield D' Acampo every time 'Sheffield' is mentioned.

Best,

JJ

[David Smedley]

K-J, thanks for your thoughts here, I tried to give the reader an experience even if the book mentioned had not been read, that that came through is gratifying.

Firebird, thank you for your initial thoughts, and your subsequent ones on re-reading.

Lauren, it seems the bracketscould be an issue, I will keep that in mind for future reference, thank you.

Cynwulf, hiya!! thanks for the read and post... The estate? mmmmm,

Arian, that the idea came through strongly is what I am pleased about the most, The "bracket" issue has been noted, thanks.

JJ, thank you, you mentioned the opening lines (as did K-J) I did have a slightly different start earlier in the week and will deffo think about those lines.

[Mark101]

Hi David,

This is a clever idea, I liked it a lot. I didn't know the book, but now I have an idea of what it may be about.

I can't really add anything new to the crits others have given, only to say that I had trouble interpreting the first line. I'm not sure who is speaking to who? Are you addressing the person who left the book? In which case "Your" is fine, of are you addressing the book? In which case it would be "You're). The first interp felt a tad clucky to me somehow that's all.

Otherwise much enjoyed.

Mark

[David Smedley]

Mark, thank you, of course it is "you're," damn, I really do have a blindspot around those two words.

My original first line was "Someone leaves you on the train."

[Mark101]

Hi David,

I think the line you have now is fine, but I really like your original too

Mark

[David]

Hello David, nice to see you around here again.

I haven't read the book, but I did see the TV adaptation - very good - so I may have had an unfair advantage.

( He drinks dishwater after a day pushing cows
because other cowboys are crowding the fresh water.)

I think you could lose that bit.

But, overall - and fixing that opening line - I really like this.

Cheers

David

[David Smedley]

Mark, thank you for your second reply.

David, hiya, thank you for your thoughts here, I will keep a lookout for that TV adaptation.