Moment - Revision

[laurenharper]

Revision 1:
Side by side in the mists of warm spring rain.
The click of heels on worn, dark cobbled streets.
No cars, no horns, time is suspended.
This magical corner of the city
Becomes our drawing room for a moment.

Talk of the day, tomorrow and the stars;
Gazes firmly set on the horizon.
Souls tangled in the thick night air.
A sidelong glance would set us free tonight
Careening toward shores wild, bare, unknown

The current between us pulls stronger still.
Your eyes beg to follow; I know your heart well.
Here in the dim lamplight, a silent squall
Wordless, yet palpable, powerful, pure -
Your soul calling me to the sea.


Original:
Side by side in the mists of warm spring rain.
The click of heels on worn, dark cobbled streets.
No cars, no horns, time is suspended.
This magical corner of the city
Becomes our drawing room for a moment.

Talk of the day, tomorrow and next year;
Gazes firmly set on the horizon.
Souls tangled within the thick night air.
A sidelong glance would set us free, adrift;
Careening toward shores wild, bare, unknown

The current between us pulls stronger still.
Your eyes beg to follow; I know your heart well.
Here in the dim lamplight, a silent squall
Wordless, yet palpable, powerful, pure -
Your soul calling me to the sea.

[Mark101]

Oh Lauren, I like this a lot.

Hello again,

This is a lovely piece. I read it several times, first couple just to enjoy its voice and then to try and find something to nit about, but really there is very little I could pin point. Only a few tiny things that sort of stuck out a tad, to me at least.

S2 L1 "Talk of the day, tomorrow and next year"; Next year seemed a little too.......limiting, could that be it? Maybe something along the lines of "Talk of the day, tomorrow and time thereafter"; Thereafter is not good I think, but something more without limit.

S2 L3 "Souls tangled within the thick night air". "within" seems to dominate the sentence a tad, when simply "in" would allow imagery of the thick night air, have a clearer voice.

S2 L4 "A sidelong glance would set us free, adrift" Adrift, to me at least, suggests an element of being lost, somehow without hope, I don't know, at least I feel it has a negative association. Thinking of embarking on a new love (which is how I see the piece), has an element of loosing yourself somewhat, but it shouldn't be negative. This is only my interpretation of the word, others my feel very different.

The rest of your poem is very beautifully written. The imagery is strong and there are many lovely lines. The opening I especially like, and "This magical corner of the city becomes our drawing room for a moment" I think is my fave line of all. (Well, 2 lines lol).

The 3rd stanza is lovely too, it closes the scene with a wonderful question hanging in the air, will she, wont she? (I hope she does).

All in all a very enjoyable read. Hope you don't mind too much my comments, they're only my feelings on reading the piece, as I say others may disagree completely so don't go tweaking anything just yet.

Mark

[Macavity]

Side by side in the mists of warm rain.
The click of heels on cobbled streets;
no cars, no horns, time is suspended.
This magical corner of the city
becomes our room.

Just some thoughts Lauren...to ignore or otherwise...poetry works with less to create more?

all the best

mac

[laurenharper]

Hi Mark and Mac,
Thanks for the comments. I am here to receive feedback and hopefully improve.

Mac - I was worried that this might be a bit too verbose/stilted, but it is a narrative. I am transitioning from prose and working on "less is more." The original was much, much worse - trust me! I think I may trying starting anew, aiming for a distilled version.

Mark - I am incorporating your suggestions and will upload a revision in a bit. Your interpretation is on point - it is about that moment when you choose to go forward or to retreat from a new love.

Thanks again to you both.

Cheers,
Lauren

[Firebird]

This definitely has potential. And I think that mac's cut down first stanza is the way to go. I might even go a bit further and cut 'is' in the third line, too.

All my best,

Firebird

[David]

I'm often a proponent of the "less is more" argument, Lauren, because often it is (or seems so to me), but if you take Mac's suggestion then you lose what for me - as for Mark, I see - is the highlight of the poem ... This magical corner of the city / Becomes our drawing room for a moment. I think that's terrific.

So, prune a little, perhaps, but don't lop the best things off. Good luck in finding that balance!

By the way, this is a bit pedantic, but I never like seeing "careening" used for (e.g.) "careering", although I know it's becoming quite common. "Careen" really has a quite different meaning.

Cheers

David

[Katherine]

I like the feel of this. Dark, troubled, squally.
Hmm!

If you're British, David's right - careening is wrong. If you're North American, David's wrong - careening is right.

Unless, you're British and careening the boat in order to scrape away what's holding you back. And now you're unsure whether you want to set out to sea again. Sorry, I'm blathering. Your poem has possibly taken me on a journey of my own making. But, that's good isn't it?
Cheers. x

[Macavity]

'for a moment'...that's signposted in the title?

[laurenharper]

Thanks to all for the helpful tips. I liked the sound of "careening," but I was intending the North American definition. I will work on the pruning as suggested
Lauren

[David Smedley]

Revision 1:
Side by side in the mists of warm spring rain.
The click of heels on worn, dark cobbled streets.
No cars, no horns, time is suspended.
This magical corner of the city
Becomes our drawing room for a moment.

Too many modifiers here for me. Both "the" lines 1 and 2 could be cut. "time is suspended" came across as "telling" instead of "showing."

Talk of the day, tomorrow and the stars;
Gazes firmly set on the horizon.
Souls tangled in the thick night air.
A sidelong glance would set us free tonight
Careening toward shores wild, bare, unknown

"thick night air" did not gel (for me) with "mists of warm spring rain."
The talk of "souls tangled" is too abstract (for me).
Endstop after "unknown?"

The current between us pulls stronger still.
Your eyes beg to follow; I know your heart well.
Here in the dim lamplight, a silent squall
Wordless, yet palpable, powerful, pure -
Your soul calling me to the sea.

"your eyes beg to follow" reads like a sentence fragment to me, (follow what?).
The "silent squall" confuses me, it is "Wordless, yet palpable, powerful, pure" I can only read it as "the squall" representing one of the two people in the poem, yet it is linked to "soul" in the last line (are you saying that the squall is a metaphor for that last line "soul?"). (As I say it confuses me).

There's an overall cliched feel to this that may be explored if more revision is the way you think it should go..

[laurenharper]

David,
This all very helpful for me. I feared it was too cliched and appreciate the advice of telling/showing.
I plan on putting this one aside and coming back to it again in a few weeks.
Regards,
Lauren