Moon Dancers (revised)

[JJWilliamson]

You prosper when the sun retires
to his hush-hush sanctum.
Near flurries of midges
and swooping bats I chart
your seas. These tranquil hours
leave me naked under hollow eyes,
lying on lawns with violets.

Blue Bells are steeped in grey
and the merry light of your face,
the silent stare, tempers creeping shadows.
You are the favoured florin of owls
and nightjars, a sphere bound
to podsols and oceans, a limelight
for dancing field mice and shrews.

Original

You prosper when the sun retires
to her hush-hush sanctum.
Near flickering midges
and flurries of bats I chart
your seas. These tranquil hours
leave me naked under hollow eyes,
lying on lawns with violets.

Blue Bells are steeped in grey
and the merry light of your face,
the silent stare, tempers creeping shadows.
You are the favoured florin of owls
and nightjars, a sphere bound
to podsols and oceans, a limelight
for dancing field mice and shrews.

[fifimae]

Delicate and evocative! I really like the way this poem feels. Fifi

[cynwulf]

Fifi is right. An enchanting, beguiling account of the special characteristics of night lit by the moon, the subtlety of colour changes as the eye shifts from cone to rod receptors .
I was pulled up by the sun's sex being female-too used to Helios, Apollo, Ra, et al. 'Podsols and oceans', a nice touch. I'm ancient enough to remember florins but didn't catch your reference here.
Best wishes, c.

[Macavity]

Some playful highlights JJ - hush-hush sanctum and especially the favoured florin of owls.

all the best

mac

[David Smedley]

You prosper when the sun retires
to her hush-hush sanctum.
Near flickering midges
and flurries of bats I chart
your seas. These tranquil hours
leave me naked under hollow eyes,
lying on lawns with violets.

Blue Bells are steeped in grey
and the merry light of your face,
the silent stare, tempers creeping shadows.
You are the favoured florin of owls
and nightjars, a sphere bound
to podsols and oceans, a limelight
for dancing field mice and shrews.

Hiya JJ, I almost didn't make it past the first two lines, they struck me as "trying to be poetic," but failed (for me) for that very reason, they did not strike a realistic (in the way I speak) note with me.

Near flickering midges
and flurries of bats I chart
your seas. These tranquil hours
leave me naked under hollow eyes,
lying on lawns with violets.

I am having trouble with who the "I" is in l2 of the above quote, if it is the narrator why would "N" be in mid-air
charting what I assume are the moons seas? Are the "hollow eyes" on the moon too? I feel I am missing something in this whole section. I assume the "tranquil" had a double connotation ie, sea of tranquility, but why would the "I" be naked after tranquil hours?

I quite like the last line (from) "a limelight," but the modifier "dancing " does not do it for me.

D.

[JJWilliamson]

Delicate and evocative! I really like the way this poem feels. Fifi

Thanks fifimae

for your lovely review. Delighted you enjoyed the feel of this poem.

Best

JJ

[JJWilliamson]

Fifi is right. An enchanting, beguiling account of the special characteristics of night lit by the moon, the subtlety of colour changes as the eye shifts from cone to rod receptors .
I was pulled up by the sun's sex being female-too used to Helios, Apollo, Ra, et al. 'Podsols and oceans', a nice touch. I'm ancient enough to remember florins but didn't catch your reference here.
Best wishes, c.

Thanks for 'An enchanting, beguiling account', c.

The wonders of the human eye leave me speechless, yet eagle and hawk vision knocks it into a cocked hat, or so the experts say.

I honestly DO think of the sun as being male, so I'll change 'her' to 'his' and be done with the confusion.
Thanks for the nod to 'podsols and oceans'. The 'florin' or 'two bob bit' or 'two shilling piece' is a metaphor for the moon.
The nocturnal owls and nightjars see a full moon, on a clear night, as a circular silver disk in the sky. A florin, being circular
and silver, seemed appropriate enough even though I'm attributing human characteristics to two entirely different species.
Still, if it's good enough for Kenneth Greene and Beatrix Potter... That's pretty much it for the florin.

Thanks again, c

Best

JJ

[JJWilliamson]

Some playful highlights JJ - hush-hush sanctum and especially the favoured florin of owls.

all the best

mac

Thanks, mac

Good to read that 'sanctum' and 'florin' was playful enough for you to mention them. We often don't know
if we're hitting the mark so a touch of encouragement goes a long way. Cheers for that.

Best

JJ

[JJWilliamson]

Hiya JJ, I almost didn't make it past the first two lines, they struck me as "trying to be poetic," but failed (for me) for that very reason, they did not strike a realistic (in the way I speak) note with me.

I don't speak like a poem either. Mind you, I have been known to recite a line or two when the mad moment takes me. EG I am still young
in spirit (and years if you don't mind a cheeky lie) and can often be heard to mumble, especially when shaving,


"Long time a child and still a child, when years
had painted manhood on my cheek was I."



Near flickering midges
and flurries of bats I chart
your seas. These tranquil hours
leave me naked under hollow eyes,
lying on lawns with violets.

I am having trouble with who the "I" is in l2 of the above quote, if it is the narrator why would "N" be in mid-air
charting what I assume are the moons seas? Ah, the speaker is resting/sitting/lying in the garden, hence 'lawns',
and the flickering cloud of midges and flurries of bats are simply part of the scene. They are there and the speaker
is aware of them. You are quite right to point out the absurdity of the speaker flying high in the sky. That would
be silly indeed. Yes, I'm referring to the moon's seas. This barren, dusty and dry sphere has a lot of seas but I wouldn't like to
spend good holiday time there; as a resort it has no atmosphere.

Are the "hollow eyes" on the moon too? I feel I am missing something in this whole section. I assume the "tranquil" had a double connotation ie, sea of tranquility, but why would the "I" be naked after tranquil hours?

Right again, The Man in the Moon appears to have hollow eyes. I know they're basaltic mountains (volcanic rock) and asteroid crater depressions but the dreamer in me keeps rising to the surface like effervescent magma. Can't help it. Yip, The Sea of Tranquility/tranquillity and 'these tranquil hours' is a reference to the most famous sea; you've nailed it again. I'm using 'naked' in the context of 'defenseless'. I imagined that 'naked' had more power, hoping against hope that this choice would have the desired effect.

I quite like the last line (from) "a limelight," ...Thanks


but the modifier "dancing " does not do it for me. ...I'm sure you're not the only one.


Thank you, once again, for a sound and thoughtful critique. It's appreciated

Best

JJ

[Mark101]

Hi JJ,

Another wonderful rendering of idyllic scenes. Ever since I read "Beautiful me", I can't help but read much of your work with the twang of foppishness, I think you're really a secret Dandy, trapped out of time

Might I make a leave a couple of observations?

You prosper when the sun retires
to her hush-hush sanctum.----------as mentioned earlier, I have to vote for a male sun and female moon
Near flickering midges---------do midges flicker? I can imagine the two modifiers reversed might work???

--------------Near flurries of midges----being that midges cluster in much bigger groups than bats, flurry would work better for them
------------- and flitting bats I chart----even bats can't flicker

and flurries of bats I chart
your seas. These tranquil hours
leave me naked under hollow eyes,
lying on lawns with violets.-------------this is the dandies voice (but I love it and it's not something I would change)

Blue Bells are steeped in grey
and the merry light of your face,
the silent stare, tempers creeping shadows.---------Whos silent stare? Perhaps "your" silent stare? no, too close to "your face" maybe "it's silent stare"?

You are the favoured florin of owls
and nightjars, a sphere bound
to podsols and oceans, a limelight
for dancing field mice and shrews.

Best regard

Mark

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Mark

I enjoyed reading your reply and take on this poem.

Hi JJ,

Another wonderful rendering of idyllic scenes. Ever since I read "Beautiful me", I can't help but read much of your work with the twang of foppishness, I think you're really a secret Dandy, trapped out of time ...A fop!! Neither dandy nor fop, kind sir.

Might I make a leave a couple of observations? ...always

You prosper when the sun retires
to her hush-hush sanctum.----------as mentioned earlier, I have to vote for a male sun and female moon ...I agree and have changed 'her' to 'his'.
Near flickering midges---------do midges flicker? I can imagine the two modifiers reversed might work??? ...great point. I'm already thinking about your suggestion. Incidentally, I was using 'flickering' in the context of 'irregular'.

--------------Near flurries of midges----being that midges cluster in much bigger groups than bats, flurry would work better for them ...If bats are disturbed from their roost they emerge like a storm. The occasional appearance of a few bats hardly constitutes a storm though. Thinkin' 'bout it. Cheers.
------------- and flitting bats I chart----even bats can't flicker ...Depends which definition of 'flicker' you're considering. I tend to think of flitting birds and darting/swooping bats. 'near flurries of midges and darting bats'...Hmm.

and flurries of bats I chart
your seas. These tranquil hours
leave me naked under hollow eyes,
lying on lawns with violets.-------------this is the dandies voice (but I love it and it's not something I would change) ...Handy Dandy could be the title for another poem. Maybe not.

Blue Bells are steeped in grey
and the merry light of your face,
the silent stare, tempers creeping shadows.---------Whos silent stare? Perhaps "your" silent stare? no, too close to "your face" maybe "it's silent stare"? ...It's the Man in the Moon's silent stare. He, the full moon, appears to be staring at something. Have a look and see if you can imagine why he's so transfixed. I have often thought he was keeping more than one eye on Earth, his partner and fellow satellite.

You are the favoured florin of owls
and nightjars, a sphere bound
to podsols and oceans, a limelight
for dancing field mice and shrews.

Best regard

Mark

Thanks again, Mark, for your observations and suggestions. They are genuinely appreciated.

Best

JJ

[Mark101]

Hi JJ,

You're more than welcome, it's always better of course, if the observations are actually of any use, but at least I'm trying (very at times)

By the way, I didn't mean to insult with the fop dandy thing, I hope you didn't take it as such.

I'll go play with the traffic now LOL.

Best regards

Mark

[KevJ]

I found this enchanting too. Transported me to a mid summer evening under a full moon. And put me a little in mind of Van Morrison's Moon Dance. No bad thing!

all the best Kev

[JJWilliamson]

Hi JJ,

You're more than welcome, it's always better of course, if the observations are actually of any use, but at least I'm trying (very at times)

By the way, I didn't mean to insult with the fop dandy thing, I hope you didn't take it as such.

I'll go play with the traffic now LOL.

Best regards

Mark

Thanks again, Mark. Your comments were very useful and no I wasn't offended in the least.

Best

JJ

[JJWilliamson]

I found this enchanting too. Transported me to a mid summer evening under a full moon. And put me a little in mind of Van Morrison's Moon Dance. No bad thing!

all the best Kev

Thanks for the 'enchanting', Kev. Believe it or not I never once thought about Van the man's song. I love that song.

Best

JJ

[Katherine]

I like this JJ. The changes you made are good. I'm not sure about the 'florins'. I get the allusion, but it makes me wrinkle my nose. Sorry. x

[JJWilliamson]

I like this JJ. The changes you made are good. I'm not sure about the 'florins'. I get the allusion, but it makes me wrinkle my nose. Sorry. x

Thanks, Katherine

Pleased you approve of the changes. Mark's suggestions were very helpful in that regard. Thanks for your honesty in respect
of 'florins' and please remove that wrinkle from your nose. If the wind changes you could stay that way.

Thanks again

Best

JJ

[Firebird]

I really like the flow and sound ofyour poem JJ. Please find my nits below. They're probably just me though. Hope I help a little.

All my best,

Tristan


You prosper when the sun retires
to his hush-hush sanctum. Not sure this line is needed.
Near flurries of midges
and swooping bats I chart
your seas. These tranquil hours
leave me naked under hollow eyes,
lying on lawns with violets. Beautiful ending to the stanza.

Blue Bells are steeped in grey
and the merry light of your face,
the silent stare, tempers creeping shadows.
You are the favoured florin of owls (I love this line)
and nightjars, a sphere bound
to podsols and oceans, a limelight
for dancing field mice and shrews. I don't think you need both field mice and shrews.

Original

You prosper when the sun retires
to her hush-hush sanctum.
Near flickering midges
and flurries of bats I chart
your seas. These tranquil hours
leave me naked under hollow eyes,
lying on lawns with violets.

Blue Bells are steeped in grey
and the merry light of your face,
the silent stare, tempers creeping shadows.
You are the favoured florin of owls
and nightjars, a sphere bound
to podsols and oceans, a limelight
for dancing field mice and shrews.[/quote]

[JJWilliamson]

I really like the flow and sound ofyour poem JJ. Please find my nits below. They're probably just me though. Hope I help a little.

All my best,

Tristan

Thanks, Tristan

I appreciate the critique very much.


You prosper when the sun retires
to his hush-hush sanctum. Not sure this line is needed. ...It wouldn't make much difference if I scratched it. I'll have a think and see what occurs.
Near flurries of midges
and swooping bats I chart
your seas. These tranquil hours
leave me naked under hollow eyes,
lying on lawns with violets. Beautiful ending to the stanza. ...Cheers

Blue Bells are steeped in grey
and the merry light of your face,
the silent stare, tempers creeping shadows.
You are the favoured florin of owls (I love this line) ...Delighted to read you liked my florin and owl.
and nightjars, a sphere bound
to podsols and oceans, a limelight
for dancing field mice and shrews. I don't think you need both field mice and shrews. ...I'd lose some of the cadence and I'm partial to shrews. Could be rejigged though.

Thanks again

Best

JJ

[brokenbridge]

Much to admire here.

You prosper when the sun retires
to his hush-hush sanctum.

Lovely opening- fantastic second line


Near flurries of midges
and swooping bats I chart
your seas. These tranquil hours
leave me naked under hollow eyes,
lying on lawns with violets.

I think the part above is the weakest- in comparison to the rest of the poem. Tranquil, although an appropriate choice of word is so over used, for me it sticks out, same as "hollow eyes"


Blue Bells are steeped in grey
and the merry light of your face,
the silent stare, tempers creeping shadows.
You are the favoured florin of owls
and nightjars, a sphere bound
to podsols and oceans, a limelight
for dancing field mice and shrews


The last four lines are perfect.

Not much else to add. Sorry.

Regards

Vincent

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks Vincent

for dropping in to offer your thoughts, it's appreciated.

Much to admire here.

You prosper when the sun retires
to his hush-hush sanctum.

Lovely opening- fantastic second line ...Ah, thanks it has received mixed reviews but I think 'the ayes have it.'


Near flurries of midges
and swooping bats I chart
your seas. These tranquil hours
leave me naked under hollow eyes,
lying on lawns with violets.

I think the part above is the weakest- in comparison to the rest of the poem. Tranquil, although an appropriate choice of word is so over used, for me it sticks out, same as "hollow eyes" . 'Hollow eyes' is a valid point. I'll look for an alternative and see what occurs. They do look like hollow eyes though. Something to do with the skull, perhaps. Hmm. I'll hang on to 'tranquil' for the mo' because of its connection. Took me an age that one.


Blue Bells are steeped in grey
and the merry light of your face,
the silent stare, tempers creeping shadows.
You are the favoured florin of owls
and nightjars, a sphere bound
to podsols and oceans, a limelight
for dancing field mice and shrews


The last four lines are perfect. ...pleased you liked them.

Not much else to add. Sorry. ...all comments gratefully received

Regards

Vincent

Delighted to see you in this thread

Best

JJ

[Antcliff]

O yes, very evocative, JJ. Like others, I especially liked those "favoured florins".

Not sure I quite understand the "charting your seas" line. What is being charted from what seems to be land? The land is their sea presumably, perhaps? Still, a minor puzzle. Very enjoyable poem.

Seth

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Seth

Pleased you liked those 'favoured florins'.

The seas are the seas of the moon. The dark basaltic plains resemble seas, (lunar Mare/Maria) having a magnetic quality that is irresistible to budding cartographers. (I'm no map maker btw) I'm using 'chart' as a verb to indicate the process of sea spotting. You know, quietly following the outlines of the seas and identifying some of them.

Hope that helps, Seth.

Thanks again

Best

JJ

O yes, very evocative, JJ. Like others, I especially liked those "favoured florins".

Not sure I quite understand the "charting your seas" line. What is being charted from what seems to be land? The land is their sea presumably, perhaps? Still, a minor puzzle. Very enjoyable poem.

Seth

[Antcliff]

The seas are the seas of the moon.

Aha! Yes of course...I was thinking of the moonlight on earth. On occasion I am on a boat at night, so inevitably my minds drifts in a certain direction: "moondancer" and sea puts me on the water.

Seth

[JJWilliamson]

The seas are the seas of the moon.

Aha! Yes of course...I was thinking of the moonlight on earth. On occasion I am on a boat at night, so inevitably my minds drifts in a certain direction: "moondancer" and sea puts me on the water.

Seth

Thanks for that, Seth. Yip, I can see where you're coming from now,
especially with the moon dancing as a reflection in the currents and ripples.

Best

JJ