Entrenched behaviour

[twoleftfeet]

There was an article in the news that Councils are running out of
cemetery space and are thinking of burying coffins upright.
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When I am laid in earth,
am laid in earth,
planted upright to save space
due to a dearth of graveyard space,
the back of someone's head stuck in my face,
will I complain?

No. It's a stance that men have learned
from birth -
stiff upper lip and shoulders back,
standing in a shield wall,
with muskets in thin red rank and file,
waiting in trenches for the dawn attack.
Even those that made it back from WW2
crowded through turnstiles,
onto North Banks, Stretford Ends and Sheds,
rehearsing loudly for when they're dead.

Original version
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When I am laid in earth,
am laid in earth,
planted upright to save space
due to a dearth of graveyard space,
the back of someone's head stuck in my face,
will I complain?

No. It's a position men know
only too well -
standing in a shield wall,
or with muskets in rank and file,
or waiting in trenches for the dawn attack,
getting in some practice.
Even those that made it through WW2
crowded through turnstiles,
onto North Banks, Stretford Ends and Sheds,
rehearsing loudly for when they're dead.

[barrie]

I thought they'd been practicing on the Tube for years, or is it just when I get on?

I don't know how much space they'll save - once upon a time they'd dig a grave deep enough for up to eight coffins - then just re-open the grave when the next family member died. Sometimes the coffin underneath would collapse under the weight of the gravedigger (sometimes two or more would) - Hell of shock!

These are fitting lines -

'No. It's a position men know
only too well -
standing in a shield wall,
or with muskets in rank and file,
or waiting in trenches for the dawn attack,'

There is a story about a full company of men buried in their trench by an intensive HE bombartment in WWI - They were left as they were, buried upright.

Will it catch on, or will they bring in compulsory cremation?

nice one

Barrie

[Rachel]

Hello,

I loved this, particularly the last line. I liked the use of rhyme and partial rhyme and rhythm that gave the impression of something a lot more simple than what you're actually saying and so provided a really nice contrast to the content.

Rachel

[ty gorton]

really like this.

I do have a point to discuss, though.

The men you speak of who know the position well, these are men already buried. Yet the poem is about yourself, when you die and are planted.

I think with some minor adjustments, this peice could be much more profound.

example:

No. It's a position men have known
only too well -

This changes it dramatically, stating that these are men of the past, but the men of today are not as familiar.

Then, to finish it off, something about this new style of burying people upright being OUR time in the shield wall etc.

I hope this makes sense...I know it's a bit confusing, but I feel you have a great poem here that could be made even more powerful with a couple of tweaks.

[twoleftfeet]

Barrie, Rachel and Ty, thanks for the crits.

Barrie - I have to say that your crit is more interesting than the poem.
wrt cremation
Catholics will insist on burial, won't they? (Gabriel's horn and all that)

Ty
I take your point about knows/have known. I was trying to imply
conditioned behaviour , so I've changed the poem slightly.

Rachel - I'm glad you liked it.

Cheers
Geoff

[barrie]

Depends when he blows his horn. Is it before, or after death? If it's before, it won't matter; if it's after, then surely an urn would amplify the blast.

Barrie

[dillingworth]

i liked the idea of men rehearsing for their burial in this life, but i'd question the use of "WW2", jarred a little for me.