Accompaniment
Maybe like an onion-
all those concealed layers.
Maybe I am nothing
but mysterious new layers
to peel off, one at a time
only to discover - what is under
the next transparent membrane
is another pungent layer.
Not the meal, not the anticipated dessert-
maybe you see me as the onion.
He tells me I am a feast, he tells me
I am a rose.
2-------_
Maybe like an onion-
all those concealed layers.
Maybe I am nothing
but mysteriously new layers
to peel off, one at a time
only to discover - what is under
the next transparent membrane
is another pungent thing.
Not the meal, not the anticipated dessert-
maybe you see me as the onion. He tells me
I am a rose, he tells me
I'm a feast.
..........
But maybe like an onion-
all those concealed layers.
Maybe I am nothing
but mysteriously new layers
to peel off, one at a time
only to discover - what is under
the next transparent membrane
is another pungent layer.
Not the meal, not the anticipated dessert-
maybe you see me as the onion.
He tells me I am a feast, he tells me
I'm a rose.
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Accompaniment
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- Joined: Mon Jun 01, 2015 2:58 pm
Suzanne wrote:Accompaniment
But maybe like an onion- ----- maybe lose the dash
all those concealed layers. ----- why the need for a full stop?
Maybe I am nothing
but mysteriously new layers ----- but mysterious new leaves
for you to peel off, one at a time
only to discover - what is under ---- comma instead of a dash?
the next transparent membrane
is another pungent layer. ------- is another fragrant skin
Not the meal, not the anticipated dessert- ----- maybe lose the dash cos the pause and stop are there without it
maybe you see me as the onion. ------ lose the full stop cos you've included a natural pause
He tells me I am a feast, he tells me ------ comma after the first me?
I'm a rose. ----- love it
reads good - just thought that the word "layers" was a bit repetative to describe it. read it out loud and you'll understand what i mean
donna
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- Joined: Mon Jun 01, 2015 2:58 pm
ooooops sorry !!!!!!
please feel free to inundate my inbox as you see fit
take care
donna
please feel free to inundate my inbox as you see fit
take care
donna
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Confused by both the first and last line. The start is a bit abrupt, an effect I do often like, but here it bumps me out for some reason. And the last line, rose reads like an extension of the feast idea, which is odd. Probably just me.
The layers also jarred for me, but it seemed obvious the repetition was deliberately forcing the theme.
B.
The layers also jarred for me, but it seemed obvious the repetition was deliberately forcing the theme.
B.
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I like the repetition, I'd bring back layer and throw out thing.
mysteriously, not just mysterious?
Not the meal, not the anticipated dessert-
maybe you see me as the onion.
I'd end it there. Rose and feast are just muddying the waters.
mysteriously, not just mysterious?
Not the meal, not the anticipated dessert-
maybe you see me as the onion.
I'd end it there. Rose and feast are just muddying the waters.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.