Who’s Cattle Now

[AlanReynolds]

If cattle cannot ruminate, who can?
Their thoughts proceed, recede. They amble, stand.
Their automatic mandibles mould grass
into beef, milk, pasture patties. Methane gas.

Microscopic organisms farm
humans doing good more times than harm
until it’s harvest time and we’re their chief
source of what they call their milk and beef.

[David]

Nice measured lines and rhyming, Alan. Does L4 seem a bit long?

Is the second verse about pandemics starting? That's what I got out of it anyway. The fact that the last verse is all one sentence, without any punctuation, makes it a bit of a mouthful. Which might be appropriate.

I like the first line a lot.

Cheers

David

[AlanReynolds]

Cheers, David.

Your take on this helps. I shall have another look at it all. Maybe pandemics, or just how the bacteria we carry inside us might think they are (might be) farming us along the lines that we farm cattle.

Best,

Alan

[Macavity]

hi Alan,
I enjoyed S1 and that opening question. S2 went into message mode and wasn't so convincing/entertaining as S1.

all the best

mac

[AlanReynolds]

That's helpful to hear, Mac. I appreciate your telling me. Now, how to progress this one...

Alan

[cynwulf]

An interesting take on ( is it Isaiah's ?) 'all flesh is grass'. I enjoyed the parallelism between the verses. I felt line 4, though lengthy, in the 1st verse had a nice cadence, not sure about the mandibles being automatic-perhaps something suggesting their enormous crushing power might be appropriate.
Best wishes, C.

[AlanReynolds]

Thanks, Cynwulf. I will have another look at 'mandibles' and other options for it.

Best regards,

Alan

[Suzanne]

I enjoyed the first two lines best.
The rest feels strained to make a point, which is not to say that is bad.... I just liked the first lines best.

This must have looped in your mind a while before you completed it. It is a pleasant thing sometimes to have metered phrasing doing loops.

Thanks for the read.
Suzanne

[AlanReynolds]

Thanks for your comments, Suzanne.

Loops indeed. I have to try to get these loops to quit trying to make a point or at least to get them to do so without straining

Cheers,

Alan

[ablackfoot]

If cattle cannot ruminate, who can?
Their thoughts proceed, recede. They amble, stand.
Their automatic mandibles mould grass
into beef, milk, pasture patties. Methane gas.

Microscopic organisms farm
humans doing good more times than harm
until it’s harvest time and we’re their chief
source of what they call their milk and beef.

I like the idea but think it needs some drafting.

Honestly I know surprising line breaks are desired but the break at line 7 throws us so far off it is very distracting because so misleading. Just my opinion - it may have worked well for other readers. You switched speakers and it is not clear until line 8. Chief and beef is a good rhyme though.

My main suggestion is to create a more realistic picture of the cows ruminating. Would they meditate that way? What does the poem get from such a detached meditation on their own death in the slaughterhouse? I guess in a way that is realistic, maybe I am being personifying them too much. But I think the opening suggests that if we are given their perspective it should be a valuable perspective attitudinally since they are the subjects.

Take a step back and look at the logic/rhetoric of the poem. Do lines 3 and 4 really fit? Do we need to know just the facts about cows' diets and what they produce. You go from a pretty intriguing, comedic, opening two lines, to a flat factual description, and the second stanza kind of blends them. I think we need to take stock of what is really desired in the poem and go for that. SO if you have something to say about cows and what their attitude might be - and certainly I guess I do see you might be saying: where is their attitude - you should develop that comment in the second stanza. That is assuming you want to give us a direct peak into their brain.

Think about how you set up the first two lines with style and sound. Now try to write with as much voice in the second stanza. Thinking about the subject matter may be necessary to get there.

[AlanReynolds]

Thank you for writing to me about this one, ablackfoot.

I shall take your comments along with me to revision city. An interesting aspect of poetry is how differently different people read the same poem.

For example, I saw only one speaker here.

[David]

For example, I saw only one speaker here.

Yes, me too, but on rereading it with abf's comment in mind I can see where that came from.

[AlanReynolds]

Yep, it's just at this stage too loopy.