This is another fragment I've composed for Lycidas - a bit of a love interest.
IX. Elysa
Across that verdant carpet
Her eyes shot firebolts.
In a smoke-addled haze
Her features, phosphorescent
------(The devil’s element)
Luminesced – but love?
When captitalized, Love breaks up
Like so many sybilline leaves.
Only in silence,
------In the reverence of ignorance,
Was it approached.
The gathering gloom could not damp
The conflagration, overhung
By ancient oaks.
Their knotted gnarls
Suggest experience, the crushing weight
Of so many an autumn.
Though spring was sibilant
In the branches,
More beauty seemed
Contained within a dying leaf –
Fallen, broken, but completing
All the Sybil’s text –
Than the unquenchable springing
Beat within his chest.
Elysa (another fragment of Lycidas)
Hi Dilingworth.
Is this a work of yours about a myth or is it a creation of your own? Afraid I have very little literary knowledge, so I don't follow some parts, but found the whole flowed well and kind of absorbed me. Loved "Knotted gnarls", but found "crushing weight" a little too familiar in a poem that is, otherwise, so original.
Nice one.
Mick
Is this a work of yours about a myth or is it a creation of your own? Afraid I have very little literary knowledge, so I don't follow some parts, but found the whole flowed well and kind of absorbed me. Loved "Knotted gnarls", but found "crushing weight" a little too familiar in a poem that is, otherwise, so original.
Nice one.
Mick
Hi Dillingworth,
I kept going back to this poem of yours, I like it, I don't understand it, but I like it. You put quite a bit of effort here, anyway here's my crit:
IX. Elysa
Title: who is Elysa?Forgive my ignorance did you mean elysia as in paradise?
Across that verdant carpet --which verdant carpet? verdant isnt as original as it used to be, it doent work for me here
Her eyes shot firebolts. --wow! imagine this as your opening line, you'll have all eyes peeled on the next line,
In a smoke-addled haze ---not the second line I was waiting for, smoke addled is cliche
Her features, phosphorescent
------(The devil’s element)
Luminesced
Ok its fine but why? so far all this is not normal, we may have strayed into alien grounds, I don't mind, but Dillingworth, you don't take it up, we stop here and now we're talking about something entirely different, what have I missed out on? who is she?
– but love?
When captitalized, Love breaks up
Like so many sybilline leaves.
in the dictionary sibylline is prophetic as pertaining to female prophets of old, so how can the leaves be prophetic? As an extended metaphor it is very good line breaks increase the tension.
Only in silence, --?
------In the reverence of ignorance, ---too abstract
Was it approached. --what is iIT?
The gathering gloom could not damp
The conflagration, overhung
By ancient oaks.
Their knotted gnarls
Suggest experience, the crushing weight ( don't need suggest experience)
Of so many an autumn.
Though spring was sibilant --interesting, metaphor of the spring as a wind that hisses through the branches
In the branches,
More beauty seemed ---no don't say it just leave the picture and let us decide on whether there is beauty or not.
Contained within a dying leaf –
Fallen, broken, but completing
All the Sybil’s text – ----what text is that?
Than the unquenchable springing
Beat within his chest.
--last two lines don't make sense to me.
I liked this Dillingworth, I like the way you use words, the sounds you create, but forgive my ignorance, I know lycidas, as a poet shepherd who died without fame, and as the title of Milton's poem, but I don't understand how this poem relates to him? There was much I didnt understand, but I liked it enough to want to know more about it. You use abstract terms, I loved what you did to Love as a metaphor but you didnt follow it through, or if you did I missed it. In general unless you make abstract terms live and thrive and bring them closer to our imagination it is better to avoid them.
I wish you the best with this piece
thanks for the read
Khansaa
I kept going back to this poem of yours, I like it, I don't understand it, but I like it. You put quite a bit of effort here, anyway here's my crit:
IX. Elysa
Title: who is Elysa?Forgive my ignorance did you mean elysia as in paradise?
Across that verdant carpet --which verdant carpet? verdant isnt as original as it used to be, it doent work for me here
Her eyes shot firebolts. --wow! imagine this as your opening line, you'll have all eyes peeled on the next line,
In a smoke-addled haze ---not the second line I was waiting for, smoke addled is cliche
Her features, phosphorescent
------(The devil’s element)
Luminesced
Ok its fine but why? so far all this is not normal, we may have strayed into alien grounds, I don't mind, but Dillingworth, you don't take it up, we stop here and now we're talking about something entirely different, what have I missed out on? who is she?
– but love?
When captitalized, Love breaks up
Like so many sybilline leaves.
in the dictionary sibylline is prophetic as pertaining to female prophets of old, so how can the leaves be prophetic? As an extended metaphor it is very good line breaks increase the tension.
Only in silence, --?
------In the reverence of ignorance, ---too abstract
Was it approached. --what is iIT?
The gathering gloom could not damp
The conflagration, overhung
By ancient oaks.
Their knotted gnarls
Suggest experience, the crushing weight ( don't need suggest experience)
Of so many an autumn.
Though spring was sibilant --interesting, metaphor of the spring as a wind that hisses through the branches
In the branches,
More beauty seemed ---no don't say it just leave the picture and let us decide on whether there is beauty or not.
Contained within a dying leaf –
Fallen, broken, but completing
All the Sybil’s text – ----what text is that?
Than the unquenchable springing
Beat within his chest.
--last two lines don't make sense to me.
I liked this Dillingworth, I like the way you use words, the sounds you create, but forgive my ignorance, I know lycidas, as a poet shepherd who died without fame, and as the title of Milton's poem, but I don't understand how this poem relates to him? There was much I didnt understand, but I liked it enough to want to know more about it. You use abstract terms, I loved what you did to Love as a metaphor but you didnt follow it through, or if you did I missed it. In general unless you make abstract terms live and thrive and bring them closer to our imagination it is better to avoid them.
I wish you the best with this piece
thanks for the read
Khansaa
-
dillingworth
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- Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2005 2:53 pm
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thanks for that. a few explanations:
1. the whole poem is supposed to be allusive to a certain degree - lycidas you got spot on. this section he falls in love with a woman called elysa, who shares her name with "elyssian dido" from the aeneid, the woman aeneas loves. this is why there is so much fire imagery in the poem (because dido stabbed herself and was consumed on a pyre)
2. on sybil's text and sybilline leaves - the female prophetess (again in aeneid) used leaves in her prophecies, reading off them; but if you disturbed her (e.g. by speaking) the leaves blew away and the prophecy was lost. i was using this as metaphor for love.
3. the last two lines: the last section is saying that there is more beauty in autumn (dying leaves) than spring, represented by the "springing beat" of his heart which is full of vitality. i.e., more beauty and interest in dying life than in new life just beginning.
1. the whole poem is supposed to be allusive to a certain degree - lycidas you got spot on. this section he falls in love with a woman called elysa, who shares her name with "elyssian dido" from the aeneid, the woman aeneas loves. this is why there is so much fire imagery in the poem (because dido stabbed herself and was consumed on a pyre)
2. on sybil's text and sybilline leaves - the female prophetess (again in aeneid) used leaves in her prophecies, reading off them; but if you disturbed her (e.g. by speaking) the leaves blew away and the prophecy was lost. i was using this as metaphor for love.
3. the last two lines: the last section is saying that there is more beauty in autumn (dying leaves) than spring, represented by the "springing beat" of his heart which is full of vitality. i.e., more beauty and interest in dying life than in new life just beginning.
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cameron
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Hi Dill,
Your work is always of a high calibre but this project of yours brings to mind Larkin's famous quote:
"As a guiding principle I believe that every poem must be its own sole freshly-created universe, and therefore have no belief in 'tradition' or a common myth-kitty or casual allusions in poems to other poems or poets, which last I find unpleasantly like the talk of literary understrappers letting you see they know the right people."
For me, complex literary allusions diminish my enjoyment of poems.
Others may disagree of course.
Cheers
Cam
Your work is always of a high calibre but this project of yours brings to mind Larkin's famous quote:
"As a guiding principle I believe that every poem must be its own sole freshly-created universe, and therefore have no belief in 'tradition' or a common myth-kitty or casual allusions in poems to other poems or poets, which last I find unpleasantly like the talk of literary understrappers letting you see they know the right people."
For me, complex literary allusions diminish my enjoyment of poems.
Others may disagree of course.
Cheers
Cam
Dillingworth,
It really had me puzzled last year, the same problem, I want to write something that interests me, is original and not often written about, but how to get the reader understanding what the subject is all about, without having to google for it, or at least not google extensively? Well someone criticised my poem and gave me valuable info, she said, it's your poem's job to make people take that extra effort to look things up, or alternatively the image may be so vivid that it won't really matter that the essence of the subject is unknown.
I'm not the world's best person at explaining, hope it makes sense, and helps you
K
It really had me puzzled last year, the same problem, I want to write something that interests me, is original and not often written about, but how to get the reader understanding what the subject is all about, without having to google for it, or at least not google extensively? Well someone criticised my poem and gave me valuable info, she said, it's your poem's job to make people take that extra effort to look things up, or alternatively the image may be so vivid that it won't really matter that the essence of the subject is unknown.
I'm not the world's best person at explaining, hope it makes sense, and helps you
K
I think this is best "fragment" yet.
The metaphor of the seasons works well I think, and the language is as thick as Milton.
Her features, phosphorescent
------(The devil’s element)
That was a good part. I also liked:
More beauty seemed
Contained within a dying leaf –
Fallen, broken, but completing
All the Sybil’s text –
Than the unquenchable springing
Beat within his chest.
But I think you mean "Then the unquenchable springing..."
- Caleb
The metaphor of the seasons works well I think, and the language is as thick as Milton.
Her features, phosphorescent
------(The devil’s element)
That was a good part. I also liked:
More beauty seemed
Contained within a dying leaf –
Fallen, broken, but completing
All the Sybil’s text –
Than the unquenchable springing
Beat within his chest.
But I think you mean "Then the unquenchable springing..."
- Caleb
-
dillingworth
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- Posts: 455
- Joined: Wed Aug 17, 2005 2:53 pm
- Location: Oxford, UK
No no - "Than" follows "within a dying leaf", with the dashes making parentheses, a comparison between the dying leaf (autumn) and the springing beat (spring, passion).