The Skylark

[lorijones]

Could I once be, what might I be,
free from mundane reality,
I would upon a sunbright day
from this green earth climb high away
to sing my song as close could be
to that bright god that summoned me.

I’d dance my worship in the sky
upon the face of that great eye
which throws its glance down in the day
and lifts me from my nest away
into one vast and airy space
that is the palace for his grace.

Then when, in blazoned reds and golds,
my god takes rest down those dark halls,
hid from the terrors of the night
I'd wait for his affirming light
to warm my life and make it whole
to fly and dance and sing my soul.

[Arian]

It's not easy to make a couplet form sound unforced, but I think you do it pretty well. And there are some very good lines - I particularly like

that great eye
which throws its glance down in the day

Overall, though, I can't help feeling it has a rather superficial pastoral quality, with little below the surface. But that might just be me.

A nice enough piece, all the same.

Cheers
Peter

[ray miller]

Enjoyed. The rhythm is nigh perfect and the first 8 lines are very nice indeed.

Could I once be, what would I be - the 2nd formulation doesn't sound natural, what I might be, perhaps.

Then when, in blazoned reds and golds,
my god takes rest down those dark halls, - the rhyme golds/halls ain't great and I wonder what the dark halls might be - if it's just darkness then dark folds would do.
hid from the terrors of the night
would wait to feel his nurturing light - I'd wait is better than would wait, I think. nurturing disrupts the rhythm, there must be something better
warming my life to make me whole - warming could be bettered
to fly and dance and sing my soul.

[lorijones]

Thankyou for reading and making largely helpful comments.
Peter if you feel personally it is superficial so be it, I don't agree obviously as it's as sincere as I can make it.
Carl, yes the alteration to "might be" sounds better. Will do. Also agree with "I'd". Thanks for all the rest which I'll look at and give thought to.

[lorijones]

Peter I've taken out "nurturing" as you suggested { it did give me a syllable too many in that line as well } and I like the new line better with "affirming" which gives it a more subtle nuance. Thanks for that pointer.

[ray miller]

Hello lori. I'm Ray, by the way, not Carl or Peter! Anyway, affirming is much better
I'd wait for his affirming light
warming my life to make me whole - I think to warm or that warms might be better.

[B00295798]

I agree with peter about the superficiality, but it's a subject with definite archetypal imagery, universal atmd almost without exception. I can imagine its hard to have a unique view on heavenly matters.

....but this confuses me....


Then when, in blazoned reds and golds,
my god takes rest down those dark halls,
hid from the terrors of the night

...if you're talking about an actual omnipotent, all encompassing god he wouldn't be hiding from any terrors and probably wouldn't be resting either.

It's got great imagery and it's really fresh, I like it for what it is

[lorijones]

This may help to clarify the basic premise of the poem which seems to have been missed by some commentators. Skylarks rise into the sky during daylight often from their nest sites and this is synonymous with rising towards the sun thus the sun can be likened to a god for them. The sun is life to them that's why they don't nest in the middle of winter !! Having once grasp this the references in the final stanza fall into place. If the poem is to be condemned as superficial which I totally reject please explain in what way it is. Also the comment that the poem is both archetypal and fresh suggests some confusion on the part of that commentator. It is NOT about heavenly matters !! it is about the sun and a skylark hence part of the title. The sun as a god is carried clearly through the whole poem.

[Katherine]

This poem has me a little confused.

Could I once be, what might I be,
free from mundane reality,
I would upon a sunbright day
from this green earth climb high away
to sing my song as close could be
to that bright god that summoned me.

This verse makes me think that 'the voice' is a human who wishes to fly like a skylark, because of the use of 'if I could be...' and a hint that this is not 'reality', as it would be for a skylark. 'The voice' seems unable to fly, but lives a 'mundane' earthbound life.


I’d dance my worship in the sky
upon the face of that great eye .................. If it's 'an eye', has it got a 'face'?
which throws its glance down in the day
and lifts me from my nest away ................. to lift me? Otherwise there is a shift from the 'if' and 'I would' ie conditional tense to present tense.
into one vast and airy space
that is the palace for his grace.

Then when, in blazoned reds and golds,
my god takes rest down those dark halls,
hid from the terrors of the night
I'd wait for his affirming light
warming my life to make me whole ............ 'to warm my life and make me whole', might have a better rhythm.
to fly and dance and sing my soul.

Do you 'the voice' worship the sun and being a skylark would help you to offer greater worship to your god, or are you a skylark?

Sorry if I sound a bit nit-picky, but, like I said - I'm confused! x

[lorijones]

Yes thank you Katherine I think "to warm" is better than "warming".

[B00295798]

....by fresh I mean sunny and simple, I think it's quite easy to misinterpret the poem because of the wording and imagery.

[David]

Very nice, Lori. Oddly enough, the full-blooded vowel rhyme at the start seems a bit of a false step - it made me go, mentally, "oh-oh" - but after that the metre and rhyme are both beautifully handled. At times it felt as though I could have been reading one of the great 17th century masters of this sort of poem.

There's only one bit of grammatical metre-driven cheating that I could see - "to sing my song as close could be " - and I have to agree with Ray (or Carl) that the golds/halls rhyme ain't great, but overall I think this is very good. I like it a lot.

Cheers

David

[Richard]

Could I once be, what might I be, ---I want this to say, what I might be for rhythm, but am not sure
free from mundane reality, --- is there a syllable missing from the beginning of the line?
I would upon a sunbright day
from this green earth climb high away
to sing my song as close could be
to that bright god that summoned me.

I’d dance my worship in the sky
upon the face of that great eye
which throws its glance down in the day
and lifts me from my nest away
into one vast and airy space
that is the palace for his grace.

Then when, in blazoned reds and golds,
my god takes rest down those dark halls, --- this line doesn't make sense to me, what dark halls?
hid from the terrors of the night
I'd wait for his affirming light
to warm my life and make it whole
to fly and dance and sing my soul.

Overall, this is sweet, and has a very old fashioned feel because of the rhyme and some of the images, but charming too

[cynwulf]

Very well achieved piece, the ecstasy of the skylark caught in lines of as perfect metre and rhyme ( apart from 'golds'...'halls') as Meredith's piece, a superb pastoral.
c.

[Arian]

Hello lori. I'm Ray, by the way, not Carl or Peter!

Had to smile.

[lorijones]

Happy to oblige Fred !