Clumsy Fingers

[lorijones]

What clumsy hands my sweetest love,
my heart has fallen from those glove
soft fingers and in fragments lies
between your breasts and silken thighs
that rode me up body and soul
so infused joy made two halves whole
but now am missing that life part
I gave to you, my broken heart.

[Antcliff]

Hi Lori

I liked the title. However, the poem itself employs a great deal of cliché in expression...silken thighs, broken heart, two halves whole. Is there a way of saying what you want to say here that does not reach for these stock expressions?

Best,
Seth

[lorijones]

Fistly I reject that because the poem incorporates "broken heart" and "silken thighs" IN YOUR OPINION it is cliched. Poetry is about communicating using a common language yet retaining some aspect, however slight, of the poet's style and character. Take the poem in its entirety. Put any two or three words together and you have what you call a "stock expression" the point is how you put the "stock expressions" together as part of a whole. Your looking at a building ignoring the architecture and criticising the bricks. The poem is obviously, for those who wish to see, in an intentionally traditional format. In its defence it incorporates warmth and humanity in a simple direct way. It isn't trying to be so clever that those who don't understand it feel obliged to describe it as "erudite". However here is a less cliched version if you prefer ....

Your such a callous bloody bitch,
to think that I wanted to hitch
my whole life in matrimony,
to be your slave and never free
living as one and in your bed
to ride you hard and give you head,
but you are eying my best mate
and I’ve exchanged my love for hate.

[B00295798]

....surely if you're posting asking for critique then you have an obligation to listen to how people read your poetry? If you're writing just for yourself then don't post and inquire how it reads. I agree that the ohrases used are cliché. Personally, a good poem is one which portrays something we all can relate to, amd is composed with a unique voice. That's the challenge - not to sound like a million other poems...

[B00295798]

...
And I much prefer the blatency and punch of the second version :)

[Ros]

Lori,

If people give their time to comment on your poem, please take time to consider their thoughts and respond politely. If you don't agree, just thank them and move on. You don't have to take all comments on board, but you do have to accept them in the spirit they are given. I'd agree that the language used overall here, in both versions, is rather well-used and comes across as a stereotyped view rather than the passion of a real person. Breaking a line on glove/soft fingers doesn't work too well, does it?

Ros

[lorijones]

The problem here is the usual one of forums, opinionated cliques. I shan't post here again because basically there seems to be no meaningful critique it is just biased criticism for criticisms sake from a tiny vocal group of very dubious critics. The obvious insult implied of "I like the title" and then condemning the poem does not seem to me indicative of constructive criticism especially from someone who describes as clever and erudite a poem which by his own confession he doesn't even understand. . The words that seem most frequently absent are "IN MY OPINION", please note !!! . I haven't read anything here that warrants the high opinion members seem to have of their own expertise. BOO for instance totally misses the point of the second poem. I am confident in my poetry and I know prose bias when I see it and I also now know this forum has nothing to offer. I now understand why so little work is submitted for comment.

[Firebird]

I think you are being very unfair about this forum. There are a lot of committed and well informed readers and writers of poetry here with a real mix of views. I would think again when you have calmed down. This is an excellent forum!

[David]

The problem here is the usual one of forums, opinionated cliques. I shan't post here again because basically there seems to be no meaningful critique it is just biased criticism for criticisms sake from a tiny vocal group of very dubious critics. The obvious insult implied of "I like the title" and then condemning the poem does not seem to me indicative of constructive criticism especially from someone who describes as clever and erudite a poem which by his own confession he doesn't even understand. . The words that seem most frequently absent are "IN MY OPINION", please note !!! . I haven't read anything here that warrants the high opinion members seem to have of their own expertise. BOO for instance totally misses the point of the second poem. I am confident in my poetry and I know prose bias when I see it and I also now know this forum has nothing to offer. I now understand why so little work is submitted for comment.

Ah well. On you go. Good luck.

[Ros]

It is taken as read that all comments are 'in the opinion' of the commentator. We're not going to write it every time. Have fun elsewhere.

Ros

[Antcliff]

The obvious insult implied of "I like the title" and then condemning the poem does not seem to me indicative of constructive criticism especially from someone who describes as clever and erudite a poem which by his own confession he doesn't even understand

No insult was intended. I was saying just what I said...that I liked the title.

Nor did I say another poem was erudite or that I did not understand it. You have confused me with someone else.

This thread is now closed. I see no point in indulging you further. My best wishes for your journeys.

Seth