Was "not submitting more than one poem a day" a hard and fast rule?
Sorry....If i'm bugging anyone, let me know. Just finding this new burst of creativity too urgent!
A certain polished awkwardness,
A twitch about the face,
Steeley eyes and handshake firm,
No sign of your disgrace.
Sycophantic to the last,
Amazing in your guile,
A paragon of marketing,
Complete with fake-tan smile.
Bereft of conscience, free of blame,
Obdurate, suited snake!
A sound profession, found your niche,
With all those skills so fake.
Apologies for using "obdurate" so soon again - liked the word and wanted to try it out.
Car Salesman
Wow you read the rules!
Most don't.
It actually says, though, that you can't post more than 2 a day. As long as you don't put them on the same thread. And you may want to look at more critiques, but I haven't been keeping track of you or anything. We're laid back here.
As for the poem, I liked it and I think the rhyme suited it. I think stanzas 1 and 2 work well, the third is a bit superfluous and just lays out bare the skepticism that lies dormant in the other two. I'd cut it.
Good stuff -
- Caleb
Most don't.
It actually says, though, that you can't post more than 2 a day. As long as you don't put them on the same thread. And you may want to look at more critiques, but I haven't been keeping track of you or anything. We're laid back here.
As for the poem, I liked it and I think the rhyme suited it. I think stanzas 1 and 2 work well, the third is a bit superfluous and just lays out bare the skepticism that lies dormant in the other two. I'd cut it.
Good stuff -
- Caleb
You could be describing any politician here - they sell us all crap every day.
Obdurate's good; I first heard that word when I had to read 'Paradise Lost' for 'O' level English lit.
' ..................................But his doom
Reserv'd him to more wrath; for now the thought
Both of lost happiness and lasting pain
Torments him; round he throws his baleful eyes
That witness'd huge affliction and dismay
Mixt with obdurate pride and stedfast hate:'
I think you need a comma after obdurate, otherwise it sounds as if the suit is obdurate and not the 'snake'.
You could have called it 'Our Tony' This verse is him to a tittle -
'Sycophantic to the last,
Amazing in your guile,
A paragon of marketing,
Complete with fake-tan smile.'
nice one
Barrie
Obdurate's good; I first heard that word when I had to read 'Paradise Lost' for 'O' level English lit.
' ..................................But his doom
Reserv'd him to more wrath; for now the thought
Both of lost happiness and lasting pain
Torments him; round he throws his baleful eyes
That witness'd huge affliction and dismay
Mixt with obdurate pride and stedfast hate:'
I think you need a comma after obdurate, otherwise it sounds as if the suit is obdurate and not the 'snake'.
You could have called it 'Our Tony' This verse is him to a tittle -
'Sycophantic to the last,
Amazing in your guile,
A paragon of marketing,
Complete with fake-tan smile.'
nice one
Barrie
Hi Mick,
I liked the subjct matter of the poem, the meaning was clear, but you were telling a lot rather than showing.
first stanza:
A certain polished awkwardness,
A twitch about the face,
Steeley eyes and handshake firm,
No sign of your disgrace.
I have great difficulty imagining an awkwardness or a disgrace, give me a picture of his awkwardness, an incident maybe? and a picture of the disgrace?
second stanza:
Sycophantic to the last,
Amazing in your guile,
A paragon of marketing,
Complete with fake-tan smile.
once again, sycophantic, guile, paragon, you're telling me here, describe it, give me a picture of this guy being all these things, pictures endure more and they are far more interesting.
third stanza:
Bereft of conscience, free of blame,
Obdurate, suited snake!
A sound profession, found your niche,
With all those skills so fake.
once again, you're telling us that he is such and such. Show is infinitely better. Its pretty hard, I know because I am continuously trying to drive off the tellyness in my own poems. Best thing to do is after writing the poem. Look at each line and ask yourself whether or not its telly.
Actually, I liked your poem, I think it will be so much better though for a revision with that in mind.
best of luck
khansaa
I liked the subjct matter of the poem, the meaning was clear, but you were telling a lot rather than showing.
first stanza:
A certain polished awkwardness,
A twitch about the face,
Steeley eyes and handshake firm,
No sign of your disgrace.
I have great difficulty imagining an awkwardness or a disgrace, give me a picture of his awkwardness, an incident maybe? and a picture of the disgrace?
second stanza:
Sycophantic to the last,
Amazing in your guile,
A paragon of marketing,
Complete with fake-tan smile.
once again, sycophantic, guile, paragon, you're telling me here, describe it, give me a picture of this guy being all these things, pictures endure more and they are far more interesting.
third stanza:
Bereft of conscience, free of blame,
Obdurate, suited snake!
A sound profession, found your niche,
With all those skills so fake.
once again, you're telling us that he is such and such. Show is infinitely better. Its pretty hard, I know because I am continuously trying to drive off the tellyness in my own poems. Best thing to do is after writing the poem. Look at each line and ask yourself whether or not its telly.
Actually, I liked your poem, I think it will be so much better though for a revision with that in mind.
best of luck
khansaa
Mick, i thought it was very real, again i see your work as a real insight into everyday situations, a paragon of marketing, a twitch upon the face, no sign of your disgrace, i love your words, what a slime ball this person is;
I won't deal with him, lol, good read but that word, obdurate is a word i do not recognise, hmmm not that clever me. AC
I won't deal with him, lol, good read but that word, obdurate is a word i do not recognise, hmmm not that clever me. AC