Rhythm

[benjywenjy]

Rhythm

Headphones on, the metronome of bassbeat
dictates the patterns of the world,
from slow, bleak queues, and the march of feet,
to the movement of shadows in a dappled courtyard.

specks soar in a bottle blue sky,
slow, serene, alien to us, below beetle
back cars snap sharply at lights, beasts in chrome robes
horns shrieking and radio shows babbling from open windows

Whilst the bus plays a restrained song,
Slow, shy tune of entrance and exit,
Head jerks to stop eye contact, long
lethargy of mind pierced by sharp cymbal strikes of humanity

these micro-tunes are but a single movement
in a grander piece, older than night and day,
or silent spinning galaxies in the firmament,
an echo through time, a single, sharp, clear clap

Benjy

[mick]

Like this Benjy. There's a problem with "cars jerks" (I think) and you used the word "jerk" twice which, to me, doesn't help. I did like the "head jerks to stop eye contact" bit though. Also think the last stanza should go; think that particular subject has been done to death - could be wrong though. Still liked the last line.
Nice one.
Mick

[benjywenjy]

hi mick

thanks for the heads up on the repeat of jerks, your right it doesn't sound right changed that and realised I'd used whilst twice and it was making the second one sound unnatural so edited the second verse a bit more. Is this better now?

benjy

[twoleftfeet]

I agree with Mick about the last line.
Since you are using "movements" perhaps you should call the poem
"percussion" or somethine else associated with a symphony?

Just my opinion.
Geoff

[barrie]

I quite enjoyed this - one of your best I would say. The cosmological last verse showed some nice touches, especially the sybilants in L3 -

'or silent spinning galaxies in the firmament'

One thing I'd change - 'pitter-patter raindrops' - big cliche (as you probably know).

Apart from that, well done.

Barrie

[anniecat]

Hi,
I agree with Barrie on the pitter-patter bit and i could'nt see sunlight creeping past curtains as a part in all this, perhaps:

Headphones on, the metronome of bassbeat
dictates the patterns of the world,
from slow, bleak queues, to the march of feet
and April rays shine through tinking rain on glass.

Just an idea, AC

[benjywenjy]

raindrops pattering on sun-framed windows

is this line better? I just took your proposed line AC and chanegd it slightly

what do we think of this instead?

benjy

[anniecat]

No my love you've got open windows.
Try again i am waiting

[benjywenjy]

the movement of shadows in dappled courtyards

? ? ?

benjy

[anniecat]

Headphones on, the metronome of bassbeat
dictates the patterns of the world,
from slow, bleak queues, to the march of feet
and the movement of shadows in dappled courtyards.

Nice like that, i added an and.

Your poem is about sound and music is'nt it so shadows could dance a tune in your head could they not?

Well done AC

Love to hear others comments on this.

[anniecat]

in a dappled couryard?

[benjywenjy]

hey AC

changed it as you suggested, I think the first stanza reads better now....thank you

benjy

[anniecat]

Cool AC.