Rhythm
-
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 232
- Joined: Sat May 13, 2006 8:02 pm
- Location: manchester UK
Rhythm
Headphones on, the metronome of bassbeat
dictates the patterns of the world,
from slow, bleak queues, and the march of feet,
to the movement of shadows in a dappled courtyard.
specks soar in a bottle blue sky,
slow, serene, alien to us, below beetle
back cars snap sharply at lights, beasts in chrome robes
horns shrieking and radio shows babbling from open windows
Whilst the bus plays a restrained song,
Slow, shy tune of entrance and exit,
Head jerks to stop eye contact, long
lethargy of mind pierced by sharp cymbal strikes of humanity
these micro-tunes are but a single movement
in a grander piece, older than night and day,
or silent spinning galaxies in the firmament,
an echo through time, a single, sharp, clear clap
Benjy
Headphones on, the metronome of bassbeat
dictates the patterns of the world,
from slow, bleak queues, and the march of feet,
to the movement of shadows in a dappled courtyard.
specks soar in a bottle blue sky,
slow, serene, alien to us, below beetle
back cars snap sharply at lights, beasts in chrome robes
horns shrieking and radio shows babbling from open windows
Whilst the bus plays a restrained song,
Slow, shy tune of entrance and exit,
Head jerks to stop eye contact, long
lethargy of mind pierced by sharp cymbal strikes of humanity
these micro-tunes are but a single movement
in a grander piece, older than night and day,
or silent spinning galaxies in the firmament,
an echo through time, a single, sharp, clear clap
Benjy
Last edited by benjywenjy on Mon Jun 19, 2006 3:26 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Like this Benjy. There's a problem with "cars jerks" (I think) and you used the word "jerk" twice which, to me, doesn't help. I did like the "head jerks to stop eye contact" bit though. Also think the last stanza should go; think that particular subject has been done to death - could be wrong though. Still liked the last line.
Nice one.
Mick
Nice one.
Mick
-
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 232
- Joined: Sat May 13, 2006 8:02 pm
- Location: manchester UK
hi mick
thanks for the heads up on the repeat of jerks, your right it doesn't sound right changed that and realised I'd used whilst twice and it was making the second one sound unnatural so edited the second verse a bit more. Is this better now?
benjy
thanks for the heads up on the repeat of jerks, your right it doesn't sound right changed that and realised I'd used whilst twice and it was making the second one sound unnatural so edited the second verse a bit more. Is this better now?
benjy
- twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
I agree with Mick about the last line.
Since you are using "movements" perhaps you should call the poem
"percussion" or somethine else associated with a symphony?
Just my opinion.
Geoff
Since you are using "movements" perhaps you should call the poem
"percussion" or somethine else associated with a symphony?
Just my opinion.
Geoff
I quite enjoyed this - one of your best I would say. The cosmological last verse showed some nice touches, especially the sybilants in L3 -
'or silent spinning galaxies in the firmament'
One thing I'd change - 'pitter-patter raindrops' - big cliche (as you probably know).
Apart from that, well done.
Barrie
'or silent spinning galaxies in the firmament'
One thing I'd change - 'pitter-patter raindrops' - big cliche (as you probably know).
Apart from that, well done.
Barrie
Hi,
I agree with Barrie on the pitter-patter bit and i could'nt see sunlight creeping past curtains as a part in all this, perhaps:
Headphones on, the metronome of bassbeat
dictates the patterns of the world,
from slow, bleak queues, to the march of feet
and April rays shine through tinking rain on glass.
Just an idea, AC
I agree with Barrie on the pitter-patter bit and i could'nt see sunlight creeping past curtains as a part in all this, perhaps:
Headphones on, the metronome of bassbeat
dictates the patterns of the world,
from slow, bleak queues, to the march of feet
and April rays shine through tinking rain on glass.
Just an idea, AC
-
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 232
- Joined: Sat May 13, 2006 8:02 pm
- Location: manchester UK
raindrops pattering on sun-framed windows
is this line better? I just took your proposed line AC and chanegd it slightly
what do we think of this instead?
benjy
is this line better? I just took your proposed line AC and chanegd it slightly
what do we think of this instead?
benjy
-
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 232
- Joined: Sat May 13, 2006 8:02 pm
- Location: manchester UK
the movement of shadows in dappled courtyards
? ? ?
benjy
? ? ?
benjy
Headphones on, the metronome of bassbeat
dictates the patterns of the world,
from slow, bleak queues, to the march of feet
and the movement of shadows in dappled courtyards.
Nice like that, i added an and.
Your poem is about sound and music is'nt it so shadows could dance a tune in your head could they not?
Well done AC
Love to hear others comments on this.
dictates the patterns of the world,
from slow, bleak queues, to the march of feet
and the movement of shadows in dappled courtyards.
Nice like that, i added an and.
Your poem is about sound and music is'nt it so shadows could dance a tune in your head could they not?
Well done AC
Love to hear others comments on this.
-
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 232
- Joined: Sat May 13, 2006 8:02 pm
- Location: manchester UK
hey AC
changed it as you suggested, I think the first stanza reads better now....thank you
benjy
changed it as you suggested, I think the first stanza reads better now....thank you
benjy