Haiku

[trobbo44]

Dog upon my lap
Cat purrs in the corner
Goldfish swims in bowl

[Moth]

I wonder........ a political or social message perhaps? If so, I think you need a better title.

Dog upon my lap.................. a lap?
Cat purring in the corner......... possibly pluralise cat
Goldfish swims in bowl............. goldfish in a bowl?

Ok so the final image isn't the most original way to describe people but I think it works with the inclusion of cat. Contentment as a title, maybe?

[trobbo44]

Moth, thanks for the feedback. Contemplation is closer to the meaning of the poem

[Firebird]

This haiku is quite strange for me because of its syntax: there is no verb in l1 and l2 contains a present particle (purring), and l3 has a present simple active verb. Was this meant and if so why? It's quite interesting.

You do not have to stick to the 5/7/5 syllable count in modern haiku if this is the reason for the what I think to be the off kilter syntax. However, you do not either have to stick to standard syntax in modern haiku. It should be no more than 17 syllables though.

Dog upon my lap
Cat purring in the corner
Goldfish swims in bowl

[trobbo44]

Firebird, the syntax was intentionally clipped. Each image of its own is separate, yet as a whole presents acceptable imagery. We live with these animals daily, yet as a marriage they are untenable. Our minds view of all three somehow puts them together and yet as a working tenet of collaboration they are juxtaposed. Regards

[Firebird]

I like the idea that we put the three naturally together in a domestic setting yet they are actually separate and unrelated in them selves. It's a strong image and idea. I think you need a better title though to draw this idea out a little more. I do like it though.

Cheers,

Tristan

[trobbo44]

Tristan, you can name it if you wish

[Firebird]

Maybe something like 'familiarity and disparity' or 'a marriage' or 'togetherness' or 'unrelated parts' or 'dot to dot' or 'triangles' or 'a disparate marriage' or 'fitting together'.

Hope this helps a little.

Cheers,

Tristan

[trobbo44]

Firebird, you get half of the new title 'unrelated marriage'. Regards

[JJWilliamson]

Hi, Terry

Interesting thread and haiku. I enjoyed this tale of man, dog, cat and fish. They are linked through an ancient connection and cause.
The small dog sits on the man's lap and they both watch and listen to the cat as it observes the fish in the glass bowl. Man/dog = friends, dog/cat = traditional enemies and cat/fish represents the cold eye of the hunter and the innocent movements of the fish. I think the progression is quite succinct, although I had to think about it and I might well be barking up the wrong tree.

Grew on me.

Best

JJ

Dog upon my lap
Cat purring in the corner ...I'd drop the 'ing' and say, "purrs" to sit well with 'swims'.
Goldfish swims in bowl

[trobbo44]

JJ, you have understood the whole connective line of the poem. I'm afraid it has to remain'purring' as this denotes a continuous action. Purrs relates more to an inactive form of the word, for me. But, I take your point. Further, I need to keep to the seven syllables in tge second line. Regards

[Halfwrittenpoem]

Trobbo44,
This is one endearing read, especially after reading JJ's comment.
A haiku does not need a title, so you can scrape it off.
Also, I figure the absence of a coherent image pertaining to nature makes it more of a micro poem with counted line breaks. Although I'm no expert, I guess a seasonal reference or talking about the natural surroundings would make it an authentic haiku.
thehaikufoundation.org is a great place to look for some examples.
Regards,
hwp.

[trobbo44]

HWP, thank you for the insight. It's my first attempt at a Haiku and am still learning the art. Regards

[Firebird]

There is little art in sticking to the 5/7/5 syllable count per line. This structure has meaning in Japanese which does not translate in stress-timed languages such as English. It is an arbitrary structure in English adding nothing to the poem. The 5/7/5 structure is best left in primary schools where it is used to make kids aware of syllables and how they sound. It's an easy way into poetry. Almost all good contemporary Haiku does not follow this structure.

Cheers,

Tristan

[trobbo44]

Tristan, thanks for the heads up

[Luce]

Dog upon my lap
Cat purrs in the corner
Goldfish swims in bowl

As Tristan pointed out, 5-7-5 doesn't work well for English based haiku. I use the 3-5-3 format. This format seems to work, most of the time. But, in the end, as long as the haiku doesn't go beyond 17 syllables, then you're good to go. It doesn't even have to be in three lines. it could be one line.

In the end, I see this more of a short poem than a haiku simply because the poem is very dependent on your title.

Since haiku are not titled, you can't, strictly speaking, call it a haiku. It definitely has the feel of one and that's okay.

BTW, I'm not fond of the title. Very confusing. "Unrelated marriage?" How about simply "home" since these pets seem to represent "home" to you.

Would like to see more action in the poem too and a zonker of a last line that ties them all or part of them together. For example:

dog sleeps on lap,
cat stares at fish
fish in bowl swims in circles

Luce

[Macavity]

Dog upon my lap
Cat purrs in its corner
Goldfish bobbing about.

Perhaps discard the haiku baggage and work a slant in the title?

best

mac

[trobbo44]

Mac, cheers but this is my first Haiku and I'm sticking with it?

[Macavity]

Mac, cheers but this is my first Haiku and I'm sticking with it?

Fair enough robbo, The potential relations between the four elements is worthing working on. The fish line could be more inventive?

best

mac

[Luce]

Mac, cheers but this is my first Haiku and I'm sticking with it?

Fair enough robbo, The potential relations between the four elements is worth working on. The fish line could be more inventive?

best

mac

Ditto.

My favorite Haiku poet is Kobayashi Issa. He managed to take a very simple short form and bring it to another level. For example,

visiting the graves
the old dog
leads the way

Note how he linked the old dog with the graves.

And yes, I'm aware that it is your first haiku. Good start.

Luce