the art critic

[ManOfWar]

Standing picking his nose,
Elbow veins looked perturbed,
The dust hermit looking at a Hieronymus Bosh painting,
His face, his body,
Looked like he had been eating from a
Dentist-spittoon.
Harnessed in a primitive jock strap
He studied the painting, the Freudian symbolism,
Writing it down.

the second writing

picking his nose, elbow veins perturb.
he looks at the Hieronymus Bosch painting.
the face, body, looks like a dentist spittoon,
dressed in a primitive jock strap.
he studies the painting, the Freudian symbolism,
and writs it down.

[Halfwrittenpoem]

ManOfWar,
I like the colorful descriptions of this poem, but fumbled along the lines to find the ideas converging into something coherent.
You can get rid of art in the title(just a suggestion); it's a nice way to engage the reader by making him guess it himself.

Standing picking his nose, --Standing and picking together in one line sounds clumsy and awkward. Otherwise the first line is unusual (in a good way).
Elbow veins looked perturbed, --You can drop the looked
The dust hermit looking at a Hieronymus Bosh painting, -- I don't quite get why you used dust to describe the critic. I might be completely wrong, but is it because he is old hence, figuratively dusty?
His face, his body,
Looked like he had been eating from a
Dentist-spittoon.-- Why? Without proper context this line sounds rather nonsensical.
Harnessed in a primitive jock strap
He studied the painting, the Freudian symbolism, --Beautiful last line especially with the Freudian symbolism.
Writing it down.

Regards,
HWP.

[Lou]

I don't think you can get rid of the title because the reader needs to know who is looking at the painting, Joe Soap or a qualified art critic. The Freudian stuff about Bosh's work is old hat, I'm wondering why the critic is worrying himself about it. He doesn't seem very respectful towards the artist, why is he bothering? Like HWP, I also like the last line which whatever you do you must keep.

Best,
Lou

[Luce]

I never saw a Bosh painting before. Now I know what nightmares are made of. What made it so fantastic was that it was done in the 16th century. It's surreal. He should be ranked with other surreal painters.

Now to your poem. The piece seems to center on the N's obvious disgust of the man viewing a Bosch painting. However, the descriptions/similes/imagery offered are hard to understand. What do you mean by a "dust hermit", primitive jock strap and the fact that he looked like he had been eating from a dentist's spittoon?

if the intent of the poem was for the reader to view the man with disgust too, then it failed - with me. Infact, it left me with disgust for the N for being such a snob. The fact that the man was taking notes infers that he, more than likely, had enormous respect for the painter. If he didn't, he wouldn't be taking notes. BTW, would be nice if we knew what Bosch painting the man was looking at.

Of course, if the intent of the poem was for me to have disgust for the N, then it succeeded.

However, in either case, the intention is not clear, for this reader, in the poem.

In the end, I like the poem but I think you went overboard with the imagery. They were hard to put together or believed. You may want to use imagery that is a little more reachable. And oh yes, be mindful of the vomit factor.

Luce

P.S. I just noticed that you and I spelled Bosch wrong.

[JJWilliamson]

Quite a surrealistic poem, MOW

Standing picking his nose, ...Got this image.
Elbow veins looked perturbed, ...I've never noticed the veins of an elbow before. I can't remember seeing perturbed ones, or any veins of the elbow for that matter.
The dust hermit looking at a Hieronymus Bosh painting, ...Don't get 'dust hermit'. Bosch? OR do you mean 'bosh' as in rubbish?
His face, his body,
Looked like he had been eating from a
Dentist-spittoon. ...This is an impossible reverse image to comprehend. Is that the point? We normally spit into the dentists 'spittoon' and never eat from it.
Harnessed in a primitive jock strap ...Jockstrap? As a former wearer of old jockstraps I fail to see why he'd wear one to study a painting. A truss would work.
He studied the painting, the Freudian symbolism,
Writing it down. ...Not sure of the significance of this line.

Now, here's the rub. I enjoyed reading this poem and smiled at the imagery. It seems to me you're moving back and forth from the critic to the painting with all of its strange grotesqueness.

Best

JJ

[Boat]

Standing picking his nose,
Elbow veins looked perturbed,
The dust hermit looking at a Hieronymus Bosh painting,
His face, his body,
Looked like he had been eating from a
Dentist-spittoon.
Harnessed in a primitive jock strap
He studied the painting, the Freudian symbolism,
Writing it down.

Hello, MOW.

Completely wasted on me I'm afraid.

Distgusting man, studies painting and writes something down.

That's all I got.

Hopefully you can fill in some questions/gaps in my understanding of your poem.

Regards.

Pat.

[Firebird]

I'm not going to comment about the content as I don't know enough about Bosh's paintings or Freudian symbolism. But 'looked', 'looked', 'looking' is a short poem is too much for me.

Some comment below:

Standing picking his nose,
Elbow veins looked perturbed, (can elbow veins look perturbed? Maybe bulging is better)
The dust hermit looking at a Hieronymus Bosh painting, (why not a more descriptive word than 'looking' such as examining?)
His face, his body,
Looked like he had been eating from a
Dentist-spittoon.
Harnessed in a primitive jock strap
He studied the painting, the Freudian symbolism,
Writing it down.

Hope this helps a little.

Cheers,

Tristan

[ManOfWar]

thanks to you for all for your grit

will take all your comments very seriously

thank you very much

mow

[trobbo44]

Read it twice. Way over my head. I don't get the dentists spitoon simile, would like that one explained please. Regards Terry

[ManOfWar]

trobbo44

thanks very much for the grit,

i was told that if you tell somebody about your poem its lost,

but for you i will gladly approach the subject with all enthusiasm,

the dentist spittoon is the most ugliest pice of porcelain in the universe,

regurgitated waste from dentist operation, lying there alive in a porcelain coffin

before it is returned to the hell from whence it came from.

again thank you for the grits: