A hundred feet up
the dust is uncommonly frenetic:
a calico commotion of
white and black granite pirouetting around
dried brown canyon fodder tracked up on rock shoes.
I anchor down and marionette style,
a few hundred feet further and
dangle my legs over the ledge for lunch.
My valley floor failings fade into the tree line,
shrink down to the breadth of toe holds—
here, nothing is more profound than the next crevice—
and I know better than to look down.
5.9 Perspective
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private_grave
- Posts: 3
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(wow i feel dumb,) after looking up some words (pirouetting:marionette)
i realized what was going on
the "a calico commotion..." places images of cat like movements in my head and it makes me smile.
i realized what was going on
the "a calico commotion..." places images of cat like movements in my head and it makes me smile.
Good first verse Keith. Lyrical and energetic. We rarely get days like that here in the rainy isles.
Second verse:
I anchor down, and marionette style,
a few hundred feet further,
dangle my legs over the edge for lunch
Maybe, although not sure 'and' can follow a comma....anyroad, marionette is a really good metaphor.
Good last verse which took two or three reads before I made it fit what I wanted................freedom.
Nice one.
Second verse:
I anchor down, and marionette style,
a few hundred feet further,
dangle my legs over the edge for lunch
Maybe, although not sure 'and' can follow a comma....anyroad, marionette is a really good metaphor.
Good last verse which took two or three reads before I made it fit what I wanted................freedom.
Nice one.
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juliadebeauvoir
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2083
- Joined: Wed Feb 01, 2006 2:42 am
- Location: East of Eden
I am ever so slightly afraid of heights but I go 'mound' climbing here regardless of my fears in Wisconsin. The mounds are several hundred feet up and if you're lucky you can spot the terribly ugly turkey vulture (but they fly like angels). The native Americans believed that the mounds were created by gods because they stuck up from the flat landscape but I digress, so here are the parts that really stuck out at me:
A hundred feet up
the dust is uncommonly frenetic:
a calico commotion of
white and black granite pirouetting around
dried brown canyon fodder tracked up on rock shoes.
I anchor down and marionette style,
a few hundred feet further and
dangle my legs over the ledge for lunch.
My valley floor failings fade into the tree line,
shrink down to the breadth of toe holds—
here, nothing is more profound than the next crevice—
and I know better than to look down.
I guess the only crit I have is maybe a little more of the same of 'valley floor failings fade' as to give the peice more descriptive depth but I think that it did it's job and made the reader the viewer.
I can see you dangling your legs carelessly over the ledge about to have lunch while the rest of us would be hanging on for dear life. Especially nice was the marionette reference.
Cheers,
Kimberly
A hundred feet up
the dust is uncommonly frenetic:
a calico commotion of
white and black granite pirouetting around
dried brown canyon fodder tracked up on rock shoes.
I anchor down and marionette style,
a few hundred feet further and
dangle my legs over the ledge for lunch.
My valley floor failings fade into the tree line,
shrink down to the breadth of toe holds—
here, nothing is more profound than the next crevice—
and I know better than to look down.
I guess the only crit I have is maybe a little more of the same of 'valley floor failings fade' as to give the peice more descriptive depth but I think that it did it's job and made the reader the viewer.
I can see you dangling your legs carelessly over the ledge about to have lunch while the rest of us would be hanging on for dear life. Especially nice was the marionette reference.
Cheers,
Kimberly
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twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
Despite being someone who feels queasy on the first rung of a ladder
I enjoyed reading this from behind the sofa
I especially liked "calico commotion" - a perfect description of dust
seen against the sun -
and the final stanza is a real gem.
One very small quibble is:
"I anchor down AND marionette style,
a few hundred feet further AND
dangle my legs over the ledge for lunch"
- if "marionette-style" goes with "dangle" the "and" that
follows "further" should be omitted IMHO.
Or are you anchored at the top, absailing down like a puppet?
Doh!!!!!! - it's the ANDs that are confusing me.
Impressed
Geoff
I enjoyed reading this from behind the sofa
I especially liked "calico commotion" - a perfect description of dust
seen against the sun -
and the final stanza is a real gem.
One very small quibble is:
"I anchor down AND marionette style,
a few hundred feet further AND
dangle my legs over the ledge for lunch"
- if "marionette-style" goes with "dangle" the "and" that
follows "further" should be omitted IMHO.
Or are you anchored at the top, absailing down like a puppet?
Doh!!!!!! - it's the ANDs that are confusing me.
Impressed
Geoff
Yep, nice one Keith. Agree with some of the above, but feel a comma can be used wherever you want in poetry; putting pauses where you want, so that it comes across to the reader in the way you intended. I'd hate to think that language rules were impairing communication - defeating their own object.
I liked your use of "profound" best.
Mick.
I liked your use of "profound" best.
Mick.
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Bombadil
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2672
- Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 6:38 pm
- Location: The hills are my home, the mountains where I roam.
- Contact:
Mick,
I've been accused of controlling readers with punctuation before...
Glad everyone liked it.
Perhaps I'll tone the ANDs down, Geoff.
Kim,
I'm afraid of heights too. It's a confrontational sort of therapy: progressive, but a bit stupid as well.
Cheers all.
Keith
I've been accused of controlling readers with punctuation before...
Glad everyone liked it.
Perhaps I'll tone the ANDs down, Geoff.
Kim,
I'm afraid of heights too. It's a confrontational sort of therapy: progressive, but a bit stupid as well.
Cheers all.
Keith
Howdy peps,
Very good and i did so enjoy this, even though i hate hights, couple of brain testers though.
The and, and it's controversial comma?
I anchor down in marionette style, ......may come over better;
In saying that anchor down in marionette style is perhaps to telling?????????
As i shrink down to the breadth of toe holds-................maybe.
Oh! i don't know not much to pick on with this nice bit of work. AC
Very good and i did so enjoy this, even though i hate hights, couple of brain testers though.
The and, and it's controversial comma?
I anchor down in marionette style, ......may come over better;
In saying that anchor down in marionette style is perhaps to telling?????????
As i shrink down to the breadth of toe holds-................maybe.
Oh! i don't know not much to pick on with this nice bit of work. AC