Imperfections

[k-j]

[tab][/tab][tab][/tab]A sweet disorder in the dress
[tab][/tab][tab][/tab]Kindles in clothes a wantonness

[tab][/tab][tab][/tab][tab][/tab][tab][/tab]– Herrick, Delight in Disorder

No woman wants compliments on a thing out of place.
I remark how well her disheveled hair
looks with the firm lines of her face:
cue withering stare.

Or perhaps, I essay a word of praise
for the drop of sweat that pearls her clavicle
on muggy days –
hardly kinky, deviant, or radical –

and all of a sudden she's in the shower
doing everything in her ability
to expunge, eradicate, and overpower
stray examples of Herrick's "wild civility".

"But when everything's perfect..." I want to say,
then think better of it. I'll rue entropy, one day.

[Lou]

Good idea for a sonnet, pretty well carried out. Your 'imperfections' of metre go along with this idea, apart from the last line which is a mouthful, but I never could stand, 'all of a sudden' - why not 'suddenly'?

Best,
Lou

[1lankest]

Clever and funny.

It followed nicely, in my head at least, until the end.

Why would N rue entropy one day, having been such an advocate before?

Wouldn't he in fact come to rue tactlessness?

Although I suppose this is itself a form of entropy.....

Hmmm. Confused.

Luke

[k-j]

Lou, thanks. I think I did have "suddenly" at first. I don't really feel strongly about it. I suppose I can understand your aversion and would happily change.

Luke, the N is acknowledging that it's one thing to be enchanted by little blemishes, but eventually the whole canvas is going to start peeling and falling apart. His own as much as hers. I hope this comes through as is, because I want to keep it right at the end.

[ray miller]

Very nice.
I remark how well her disheveled hair
looks with the firm lines of her face: - looks is a bit weak, something like enhances?

hardly kinky, deviant, or radical –
to expunge, eradicate, and overpower

Can we hear the pages of the thesaurus turning?

[JJWilliamson]

I thought this was quite brilliant, funny, observant and wonderfully typical of male clumsiness.
Just smile and try to look nice. (Just kidding)

I think the title could stand a nudge. Herrick's title is a gud'n.

[tab][/tab][tab][/tab]A sweet disorder in the dress
[tab][/tab][tab][/tab]Kindles in clothes a wantonness

[tab][/tab][tab][/tab][tab][/tab][tab][/tab]– Herrick, Delight in Disorder ...Great epigram.

No woman wants compliments on a thing out of place.
I remark how well her disheveled hair
looks with the firm lines of her face:
cue withering stare. ...This is a hoot. I can imagine the clumsiness of the crap compliment.

Or perhaps, I essay a word of praise
for the drop of sweat that pearls her clavicle
on muggy days –
hardly kinky, deviant, or radical –

and all of a sudden she's in the shower
doing everything in her ability ...I was expecting 'power'. "Confident in her ability" or something along those lines.
to expunge, eradicate, and overpower
stray examples of Herrick's "wild civility". ...Could 'stray' be dropped?

"But when everything's perfect..." I want to say,
then think better of it. I'll rue entropy, one day. ...You could extend the fun by employing. "way" at the start of L2. EG only, "In my own deplorable way"

All minor observations.

Thoroughly enjoyed this one in its present form. A tweak here and there might give it lift.

Best

JJ

[Antcliff]

I seem to recall you are a Herrick fan.

Excellent. Nae nits. Good "Comedy of the Sexes" stuff.
Downright Neo-Herrickean, if there is such a thing.

Clavicle/Radical = fun rhyme.


Seth

[k-j]

Thanks all.

Ray, I'm a thesaurus addict it's true but didn't use one here. However those two triads - especially the second one - do give that impression. I'll likely change that.

JJW, ta, good comments.

Seth, neo-Herrickean. There's our new School. This is how we get published.

[David]

Yes, very good. The wild civility is a great reference.

Cheers

David

[lorijones]

Well this resonates, indeed who hasn't lived it, except a hermit. Much enjoyed