The soft white belly of the clouds
above the triangle of sea
reminds the old analogy,
with silent valley birthed at morn
unliving as a still newborn
beneath the skies pale misted shroud.
Now mornings amniotic light
bleeds ruddy streaks to stain the sky,
firing the day’s new life to cry
its wake in one continuum,
sharing the spoils it therein won,
while leaching time ages to night.
Newborn Day
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Antcliff
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6599
- Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
- Location: At the end of stanza 3
Just a reminder, Lori, in case you missed the rules. They are easy to miss for those new to the place.
The rule is that for each poem we post, we must critique two poems by other posters. There is a handy guide to the kind of thing required here....viewtopic.php?f=25&t=3537
Best wishes,
Seth
The rule is that for each poem we post, we must critique two poems by other posters. There is a handy guide to the kind of thing required here....viewtopic.php?f=25&t=3537
Best wishes,
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
-
Antcliff
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6599
- Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2011 1:35 am
- Location: At the end of stanza 3
Apologies if I missed those critiques, Lori
My main intention was to give you the link to the kind of thing PG has in mind. People relatively new to the site often find they are helped by glancing at it.
Best wishes,
Seth
My main intention was to give you the link to the kind of thing PG has in mind. People relatively new to the site often find they are helped by glancing at it.
Best wishes,
Seth
We fray into the future, rarely wrought
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Save in the tapestries of afterthought.
Richard Wilbur
Hi Lori,
I like the opening image, although there seems to be something missing from L3. and I'm not sure whether "still newborn" is supposed to imply "stillborn" or not. If it is, I'm not sure how the day can be said to be stillborn - so I don't think it is meant to imply that. Apologies for being a bit slow on the uptake there.
If you can sort out the ambiguity there - if, indeed, there is any ambiguity - I think you could drop the second verse, leaving you with, in just one verse, a very nice little Imagist poem.
I have a sneaking feeling you won't agree with me, but I hope you'll take my suggestion in good part.
Cheers
David
I like the opening image, although there seems to be something missing from L3. and I'm not sure whether "still newborn" is supposed to imply "stillborn" or not. If it is, I'm not sure how the day can be said to be stillborn - so I don't think it is meant to imply that. Apologies for being a bit slow on the uptake there.
If you can sort out the ambiguity there - if, indeed, there is any ambiguity - I think you could drop the second verse, leaving you with, in just one verse, a very nice little Imagist poem.
I have a sneaking feeling you won't agree with me, but I hope you'll take my suggestion in good part.
Cheers
David
David thank you for such a thorough review. As is evident the birth analogy is the foundation of the poem. The second verse maintains and builds on that and in my opinion is the better verse if I had to choose. The thinking in "still newborn" is a play on "stillborn" but done so as to describe very early morning before the valley 2 comes to life as it were, death like but not dead. I'm surprised you think I should lose the second verse as I think the poem is holds together well.