Catchean/Common Grazing

[Antcliff]

The Duke broke the township into crofts.
[tab][/tab]Subtler means after that.
If a widow had no adult son,
[tab][/tab]everyone was out.

If you didn't improve the land,
[tab][/tab]everyone was out.
If you did improve the land,
[tab][/tab]rent doubled.

Disease carrying animals appeared,
[tab][/tab]nudging livestock.
No one knew how,
[tab][/tab]everyone knew how.

With the start of a quarry,
[tab][/tab]empty crofts were given to quarrymen.
The ancient 18 foot Cross of the Commons
[tab][/tab]got dynamite.

[k-j]

Too straightforward for my taste, but the ending is great.

"With the start of a quarry" reads a bit awkwardly? Maybe "when quarrying began" or something.

[Ros]

I'm with k-j - an interesting bit of history, but I'm not certain you've made it into poetry.

Disease carrying needs a hyphen.

'got dynamite' is an odd phrasing!

Ros

[Firebird]

Seth, I like its simplicity, which I think reflects well the straightforward nature of the poem. Besides the form it seems to me that the other central poetic feature being used here is repetition; however, I'm not completely sure how effective this is or whether it makes the poem sound a little wordy. For me, this is especially the case in s3.

I like the poem and what it documents. It is important that such events are remembered, especially in our present time.

Cheers,

Tristan

The Duke broke the township into crofts.
[tab][/tab]Subtler means after that.
If a widow had no adult son,
[tab][/tab]everyone was out.

If you didn't improve the land,
[tab][/tab]everyone was out.
If you did improve the land,
[tab][/tab]rent doubled.

Disease carrying animals appeared,
[tab][/tab]nudging livestock.
No one knew how,
[tab][/tab]everyone knew how.

With the start of a quarry,
[tab][/tab]empty crofts were given to quarrymen.
The ancient 18 foot Cross of the Commons
[tab][/tab]got dynamite.

[Antcliff]

Thanks K-J,
glad about the ending. Will tweak that line. The cross was real...it would have been a few feet from where I live. I wanted to play this one with a straight bat, but I see it may be too straight. Hmm.

Thanks, Ros
Ta, hyphen will be added. I suppose I was trying for a more dramatic sound pair in "got dynamite" rather than the earlier more functional "were given". Okay, not poetry yet.

Thanks, Tristan
Yeh, I will look again at the use of repetition. Point taken.
It is my reconstruction of events around the hill where I live which account for the ruins. Partly fictional, but I suspect not far from the truth. Fortunately there is a record touching on some of it written by a nearby crofter who appeared before the 1881 Commission (that was very important for the crofters on the islands). Glad I found it, but have not done justice to it yet. Hmm.

Thanks again all.
Seth

[Ros]

I know it would be fictional, but would concentrating on one person's experience work better? It's a bit general at the moment, so hard to 'feel' the emotional impact.

Ros

[Antcliff]

I know it would be fictional, but would concentrating on one person's experience work better? It's a bit general at the moment, so hard to 'feel' the emotional impact.

Ros

Yes, that might be an idea. Will give it some thought.

[lorijones]

In what way is this anything other than plain narrative. What precisely makes it poetry ? And you have the gall to define my work which is superior to this nonesense in every way. This is narrative plain and simple and has nothing that sets it apart. Don't worry I'm going this is NOT a poetry forum in any sense other than its title. I have never come across so little real talent analised by so little really meaningful or aware analysis. It's unbelievable

[Antcliff]

Don't worry I'm going

Bon Voyage!

Seth

[lorijones]

You're kidding no one except yourself what you couldn't stomach was the fact that in quality quantity and readership my work was dominaing this clumn and you and your talentless cronies had to find a solution. You want to keep this forum dominated by wrk which os nothing more than simple narrative populrly described as prose. "Tennis with the net down" allows invalids to call themselvesa athletes. You and your ilk are why poetry is in the doldrums and note that recent revival of poetry in the media was NOT prose [ which isn't poetry ]. This forum should in all honesty be "TGHE WRITERS GRAVEYARD" because that is precisely what it is.

[Antcliff]

Fun stuff.
Lori has now left the building.

I have the greatest respect for those who, on a daily basis, deal with the delusional. I could not have done your job, Ray.

Sigh.

[Trygo]

Quite the spectacle this lorijones character.

As for the poem, I liked the tone. Although narrative, it meant/lead to something ^^

[Antcliff]

Quite the spectacle this lorijones character.

As for the poem, I liked the tone. Although narrative, it meant/lead to something ^^

Thanks Trygo. We do get such characters arriving once in a while, but it is very rare. I can recall 4 in the last few years. Which is not that many really.

Seth

[Grace]

Hi Trygo,

I really liked the story of this work, and like another poster said, good to remember the history.

The repetition of reversals like "improve/not improve" the land and "no one/everyone" added a lot.
Not sure if you could find a way to continue that device.

Also, it might be fun to find a meter to bring all the way through, like tetrameter or trimeter.


The Duke broke the township into crofts...................strong start
Subtler means after that.
If a widow had no adult son,
everyone was out.

If you didn't improve the land,...............if the land was not improved
everyone was out.
If you did improve the land,................if the land was improved,
rent doubled.

Disease carrying animals appeared,...............needs a fix
nudging livestock.
No one knew how,
everyone knew how........................I really like this but I don't know how the diseases appeared.

With the start of a quarry,
empty crofts were given to quarrymen.
The ancient 18 foot Cross of the Commons
got dynamite.......................................I like that this giant Cross overlooked the scene of injustice. Could it bookend the poem, surveying the problem and then falling prey to it? No
...........................................................pun intended .

Grace

[Trygo]

Hello Grace, you said hi to me but it's Antcliff that wrote that ^^

[Grace]

whoops!

Sorry Antcliff!

Thanks Trygo!

[Macavity]

Effective piece of writing Seth. The tone, the facts, the sense of no escape in the form deliver a suppressed anger at the injustice. Alas power breeds bastards.

On the crit front, for the approach in this poem, perhaps a simple 'was dynamited' would be more to the pitch of the poem's delivery.

best

mac

[ray miller]

Fun stuff.
Lori has now left the building.

I have the greatest respect for those who, on a daily basis, deal with the delusional. I could not have done your job, Ray.

Sigh.

On reflection, I find that leaving the field of psychiatry has not diminished my encounters with delusional people one jot.
Do you need Catchean in the title. It didn't take me long to discover it's the name of a place, but I hadn't immediately imagined that's what it is.
I thought the ending a bit disappointing. You could maybe make more of the crofters as quarry, hunted off the land.

[bodkin]

What Ray said. Although I am not sure why the end isn't quite working for me, as it is a striking event. Maybe because it's a bit in the abstract? Nobody is seeing it happen?

Enjoyed generally however.

Ian

[JJWilliamson]

Well, the simplicity works for me. The disappointed almost melancholic tones are accompanied by a healthy dose of outrage;
a resigned outrage at that.

The Duke broke the township into crofts.
[tab][/tab]Subtler means after that.
If a widow had no adult son, ...How about 'when' instead of 'if'. Gives it more immediacy and smacks of truth rather than supposition.
[tab][/tab]everyone was out.

If you didn't improve the land,
[tab][/tab]everyone was out.
If you did improve the land,
[tab][/tab]rent doubled. ...Very effective strophe and completely credible. Heads I win, tails you lose. I might look to strengthen 'out' to 'ousted'.

Disease carrying animals appeared,
[tab][/tab]nudging livestock. ...I'm assuming these are animals were imported with mainland based diseases, resulting in dire consequences for the existing livestock.
No one knew how,
[tab][/tab]everyone knew how. ...All in denial but absolutely certain where the blame lies. However, they dare not speak out for fear of eviction or severe reprisals. Succinctly put, I'd say.

With the start of a quarry,
[tab][/tab]empty crofts were given to quarrymen. ...The ever encroaching scourge of business opportunism and "development". Every time I pass the green slate quarry on Coniston Old Man I could cry. It keeps a few people in work for part of the year, when a new blast is required to satisfy demand, but most of the money is lost to the local economy very quickly as it makes its way to God knows where. If they don't have a cut off point they will lose ALL their tourism income AND the famous "Matterhorn" of the Lake District.
The ancient 18 foot Cross of the Commons
[tab][/tab]got dynamite. ...Could the cross fall? IE 'fell with a blast of dynamite'

Very effective poem that could possibly stand a nudge or two, but nothing too drastic.

Best

JJ