Past Tense {was Night Talk}

[lorijones]

REVISED....Past Tense

Fond nights we talked ourselves so wide awake
piercing the shadows in our sundered lives,
such intercourse of minds with empathy,
now silence drowns our past's sought harmony.

Warm bodies lie beyond thought's cold high walls
as both face outward from the other's care,
soon comes the exit from that constant maze
wherein the centre lies unity's grave.

ORIGINAL...Night Talk

Time past we talked ourselves so wide awake,
bright words lit shadows in our separate worlds,
such intercourse of thought with empathy,
now silence drowns the love in you and me.

Warm bodies near, behind our cold dark walls
we both face outward from the others care,
soon comes the exit from the constant maze
wherein the centre lies harmonies grave.

[ray miller]

I like lines 3 and 4, the first verse is ok. Lines 7 and 8 are pretty tortuous, though, they need rearranging.

[k-j]

Hi Lori. I agree with Ray. The first part is pretty good, then it gets a bit garbled in S2 and the last line is especially hard to understand.

[Antcliff]

Hi Lori

Rather with the others on s2. However, I did like this bit...."bright words lit shadows"....especially the two combinations of the t/w sounds.

Seth

[lorijones]

Thanks for your interest. Looked at your points but still happy with the poem asb it is. Thanks for reading.

[Firebird]

I like s1 but don't think I understand s2. Think it needs a little more work.

Cheers,

Tristan

[lorijones]

Perhaps the final stanza is less about revision as understanding how to interpret what's there.
Here it is line by line. The two are lying in ed together close physically but seperated emotionally and the positions they lie in also summarises that . The breakdown of the relationship is aptly compared to a maze, has been happening gradually but started at the centre of the maze with the initial breakdown of harmonious relationship. It's all about interpretation, the words are fine as far as I'm concerned. Thanks for your interest.

[1lankest]

I like the firsts stanza and feel it says it all and could stand alone very nicely.


Luke

[lorijones]

Yes it could but I prefer to qualify the final line with the second stanza. Completes the story as it were. Thanks for reading.

[1lankest]

Sure, I understand. Sometimes I find, however, my attachment to a part of the story is not as important to the reader as it is to me and can detract from the impact of the poem which, after all, isn't a story.

Perhaps with this one you're right to leave it though.

Luke

[lorijones]

Well my motivation for writing it is the poem expresses my own personal experience and I knew where I wanted to take it from the initial visualisation. Thanks again for your interest.

[Crayon]

Hi lorijones - It's a worthy theme, but feels rather generic in this piece. Anyhow, here are some thoughts that may help with what you've got.

- The title is a bit prosaic. Maybe something such as 'Nightfalls' or 'Sleeptalkers'.

- "Time" should be 'Times'.

- Can shadows be lit? Maybe 'dispelled'.

- "me" feels like a ungrammatical forced rhyme.

- The second stanza is written in a very different style to the first stanza.

- The second stanza is unclear, probably because its syntax is so muddled.

- The second stanza's rhyme feels very laboured.

- Two possessive apostophes are missing.

- Why the plural "harmonies"?

[lorijones]

Thanks Crayon, you made me look harder ans revise. Took some of your pounts and some changes of my own. Hope you think its improved.

[lorijones]

Also just changed the title.

[Crayon]

To my mind, it's an improvement. Really like the new title. It's a difficult subject to tackle with a sense of clarity. I'll offer a presumptuous edit below - just throwing some hasty thoughts into the mix, for which there are most likely better word and emotion choices to be found. Anyhow, see what you think.

BTW, it's an essential forum policy to post every subsequent revision above the original poem, and to give them version numbers. And also to keep a previous title in the subject line - usually in parenthesis.


Wild nights we talked ourselves so wide awake,
bright words pierced shadows in our hidden worlds,
such intercourse of thought and empathy,
but now silence drowns out all harmony.

Both turned away from each other's concerns,
warm bodies backed behind cold walls of doubt,
lost hope of exiting that fearful maze
that rose around our union's grave.

[lorijones]

Re-posted original. Now happy with poem as it stands. Thanks for your suggestions.

[Ros]

To me, 'wherein the centre lies harmonies grave.' is still too convoluted and doesn't make grammatical sense. I assume you're meaning 'at the centre lie grave harmonies', but that's not what the line is actually saying.

Ros

[lorijones]

Revised version is unity not harmony and it makes sense to me. It's simple enough if your capable of understanding it and also what it implies that it was the end of that sense of tunity/empathy that started the slow, not instant, decline of the relationship with misunderstanding and failure to communication on both parts.

[Ros]

It's simple enough if your capable of understanding it .

Obviously needs a smarter reader than me then.

Ros

[lorijones]

I have found some critique a useful spur to revision and some offensive in its ignorance of what is being criticised. I am reminded of a traveller late in the last century who while visiting a small fishing village discovered an old fisherwoman fixing live eals to a nail on a post and stripping the skins off the writhing flesh one by one. " " Isn't that very cruel ? " the traveller asked the woman. " Oh no my dear ", replied the crone, " I've been doing this work for forty years so now them's used to it ". Too much emphasis on GRAVE in some quaters and not enough on POETS.

[Antcliff]

Your final line does not quite make grammatical sense. It does not quite say what you want it to say. As Ros...a very experienced poetry editor...has helpfully noted for you.

Lori, I am transferring you over to "Beginners". You are a beginner. Nothing wrong with that. We all were once. Some of us still are. Try to take on board what critics say and in a constructive/amiable spirit. You do not need to accept all that is said, of course. But I suggest it is a good idea to engage with points about grammar. And try and get your hands on some works of contemporary poetry. If you do so, and engage a little more with what far more experienced writers are suggesting, you will find that your poetry will rapidly and substantially improve. Honest. I hope you will do that.

Best wishes,
Seth

[lorijones]

I suspect that your comment was designed "to take me down a peg" but as you well know not only am I not a beginner but my work is of a quality that few can match on this forum. If you don't know that it would be no surprise as many who set themselves up as expert here haven't a clue.As for "experience" in critique it counts for nothing if the people concerned just basically are not tuned in to the medium norbever have been.. I am a published poet and your opinion may be of consequence on this forum but beyond that in the real world of real poetry isof no significance. I also note that many of your contributors don't share your view of my status as the reading figures indicate. It doesn't matter to me what your opinion of my work is you simply don't have the exprtise to judge as is evident in your own work. If I classify as a beginner where does that place you ?

[Antcliff]

I see, so that is a "no" then.

Good luck.
Seth