My smattering of Swahili

[David]

He was buffalo - nyati -
a small man in a small house
with dinky doorways, through which he'd pass
with a planter's self-assurance. She
would follow, stooping,
as discreetly as she could.

She was antelope - puku -
spirited but docile
as occasion
demanded - even in the midst
of play attentive
to something in the wind.

Before the hearth, its mantelpiece
teeming with tribal knick-knacks
and postcards of old Empire,
a disembodied tiger lay
prostrated, its open-mouthed
astonishment still intact.

Sometimes there was tranquillity,
with rock cakes, the second-best china
and memories of tiffin past,
but sometimes it was awkward:
flurry and consternation,
a bellowing at the watering hole.

[68degrees]

The he/she of this relationship doesn't sound so different than mine own...w/o the Swahili, of course. Although sometimes methinks that one of us might as well be speaking Swahili for all the good it does us

A "smattering" is right, I think. Not sure "knick-knacks" is of official Swahili. I do like duo language like "dinky doorway" or even "spirited but docile". Lots of teeter-tottering back and forth (e.g. "flurry and consternation") to flesh out the emphasis on two. Nice.

68degrees

[Firebird]

I like it, and the smattering of Swahili - it adds an extra dimension to the poem. It's a great portrait of an old colonial couple (I think?), and reads really well, with a lovely rhythm to most lines. Some more specific comments below.

He was buffalo - nyati -
a small man in a small house
with dinky doorways, through which he'd pass
with a planter's self-assurance. She (not sure about this line break)
would follow, stooping,
as discreetly as she could. (two 'shes' in one sentence seems a little excessive)

She was antelope - puku -
spirited but docile
as occasion
demanded - even in the midst
of play attentive (don't like this line break)
to something in the wind.

Before the hearth, its mantelpiece
teeming with tribal knick-knacks
and postcards of old Empire,
a disembodied tiger lay
prostrated, its open-mouthed (do you need prostrate?)
astonishment still intact. (Great image. Words really well.)

Sometimes there was tranquillity,
with rock cakes, the second-best china
and memories of tiffin past, (lovely phrase)
but sometimes it was awkward:
flurry and consternation, (these two words are too abstract for me)
a bellowing at the watering hole.(great final image)

Cheers,

Tristan

[Xillus_Xavier]

I think this is decent, but it didn't succeed in providing within me an emotional response of any kind. Other than some solid assonance and alliteration in the third stanza, I don't really see other poetic devices being used to a degree that would elevate this piece above prose. Maybe I'm just not currently in the right mood or frame of mind to appreciate this piece. I will come back to it tonight or tomorrow and give it another shot.

[David]

Thanks, 68. A certain amount of mutual incomprehension is good for the soul, n'est-ce pas?

And thanks, Tristan. Some good pointers there for a revision.

And thanks, Xillus. Fair enough.

Cheers all

David

[k-j]

I quite like it, especially s2 and "open-mouthed / astonishment still intact" and the last three lines, but...

The tiffin and the tiger evoke India, not Africa, so it comes over as sort of generic colonial.

"Prostrate" has better metre than "prostrated". And is perhaps more correct?

Odd that buffalo is a small man. I want to read it as "big man in a small house".

[Arian]

I like this a lot, David. Smooth and evocative (though k-j has a point about some of the language being more reminiscent, perhaps, of India. That occurred to me, too).

Still, a very nice piece. This...

a disembodied tiger lay
prostrated, its open-mouthed
astonishment still intact.

Is such a jarring and vivid image that I read the piece several times just to feel its impact. Excellent.

Cheers
peter

[Macavity]

Hi David,
I think everyone has mentioned the possible tweaks. Overall the tensions of the relationship, the differing natures enclosed and surviving, were effectively expressed. I especially liked the animal instncts of attentive/to something in the wind.

Look forward to the revision.

all the best

mac

[Suzanne]

Thank you, David, for the visual imagery of these two. I really liked the female's description and could picture her quite well.
I think the title is good and also did not mind the India/ Africa tiger. I think that the collection of such tings by most people is a mishmash of the globe.

You have done a wonder job of inspiring this poet-reader to observe better and get it down on paper.

Thank you,
Suzanne

[bodkin]

He was buffalo - nyati -
a small man in a small house
with dinky doorways, through which he'd pass
with a planter's self-assurance. She
would follow, stooping,
as discreetly as she could.

She was antelope - puku -
spirited but docile
as occasion a slightly odd phrase to put on its own, why didn't you pull the "demanded" on to this line as well?
demanded - even in the midst
of play attentive
to something in the wind. These two images at the end of these two strophes are lovely...

Before the hearth, its mantelpiece
teeming with tribal knick-knacks
and postcards of old Empire,
a disembodied tiger lay
prostrated, its open-mouthed I'd have put both these into the present tense "prostrate" and "open-mouth" as smoother and more-striking phrasing, however this may just be personal style...
astonishment still intact. Another great moment.

Sometimes there was tranquillity, can you lose this comma? "tranquillity with rock cakes" is more striking as a concept, rather than a concept and attached qualification...
with rock cakes, the second-best china
and memories of tiffin past, I might have used (say) an m-dash instead of the "and" so as to pull this apart slightly as a commentary on what came before, and also a slight pause before the following
but sometimes it was awkward:
flurry and consternation, "flurry" doesn't feel quite apposite to me, I see how it's a small storm, but it also feels a bit arctic and soft...
a bellowing at the watering hole. A great end too!

Very nice all-in-all, just a few quibbles to show I was paying attention.

Ian

[David]

Thanks all.

I feel a little guilty about this one. I knew both of these people reasonably well, and liked them - although they did have their moments. Between them - and, in part, together - I think they had lived in Kenya (or Rhodesia?), India and Australia, so they were (as k-j fairly says) sort of generically colonial.

Lots of other detailed pointers to. Thank ye all. The revision is under way, Mac. In my mind at least.

Anyway, I'm glad this version gave some pleasure.

Cheers all

David

[bodkin]

Why guilty? Is only because it feels a bit "kiss and tell"?

I ask because if you feel you're being unkind to them (their memory) then I'd say you're not. This comes over as entirely affectionate...

Ian

[David]

Why guilty? Is only because it feels a bit "kiss and tell"? Yes!

I ask because if you feel you're being unkind to them (their memory) then I'd say you're not. This comes over as entirely affectionate... That's great. Thanks, Ian.