Regret

[that girl]

If I could leave you in a kinder way,
hurt you tactfully,
time this conveniently,

I would.

Anyway,

I still cry when going from one room to the next
in those pointless hallways
where the only lingering distractions

are our ghosts. Waltzing sock-footed on the wooden floor,
kissing through each other,
moving in and out of me,
trapped in the inbetween.

.tg.

[twoleftfeet]

Hi TG,
I think this will strike a chord with many - it certainly did with me.

I only have one tiny quibble:
The rhythm greatly contributes to the effect, so I feel that
"where the only lingering distractions
are our ghosts....."
- should be pared down because it breaks that rhythm IMHO.
Others will doubtless disagree.

I especially like the final three lines.
Nice one
Geoff

[barrie]

To quote Geoff:

'"where the only lingering distractions
are our ghosts....."
- should be pared down because it breaks that rhythm IMHO.
Others will doubtless disagree.'

I disagree Geoff. Whether it was written purposely to have that effect, I don't know - but it works - 'lingering distractions'. Were you not distracted by the rhythm, and the line break?

I will agree with the Geoffs first point - I don't know anyone who wouldn't empathize with this (No, I don't know any sociopaths!).

'pointless hallways' - Very apt phrase.

Again, I'll agree with Geoff - the three out lines are quite memorable -

'kissing through each other,
moving in and out of me,

causing such regret.'

nice one

Barrie.

One question. Why post in beginners?

[calxaed]

This really struck a chord, its poigniant and graceful. 'Waltzing sock-footed on the wooden floor' is a beautiful image. You manage to capture the sense of regret very well which is why i'm not sure the last line is necessary, you've shown the regret already in the images that you used. I would leave it hanging at 'moving in and out of me 'without actually expressing it directly or replace the last line with something that follows and amplifies what goes before.
I think that the rhythm is fine, the line break after distractions fits and although gramatically a pause there is not needed, I think that it adds to the whistful nostalgia of the whole(don't ask me to explain that). I can imagine pausing in 'pointless hallways', it's great.

[benjywenjy]

Hi

I really like the tone and images in this piece. I love the staccato rhythm of lines 3 and 4, they alter the rhythm and really get the point across.

I'd agree with calxaed about the last line, is it needed? or could you substitute it for something more hard hitting?

thanks for posting

benjy

[diva of reality]

I disagree and think the last line is essential as it gives a deeper insight into the character and the way they feel, sometimes we tend to look at rhythm and meter when we should just be feeling the words.

I found this very emotional and actaully cried a little at it.

[calxaed]

Hey diva,
I think that the last line does the opposite of giving a deeper insight into the emotion, the imagery and situation achieve that much better than just a bald statement of emotion, to a degree that's what makes a poem different from say a letter or some other sort of prose. It tries to make the reader understand and and empathise with the emotion it's expressing rather than just telling them about it. As for concentrating on rhythm, a large part of what we feel from the words of a poem is because of the music of those words, so i think its contadictory to say that we should just feel the words without addressing the means by which those words convey emottion. I think people post here because we want to know how better to communicate through poetry, and the only way to learn that is to have what we write critiqued, it doesn't help anyone to express themselves more effectively if our response to their work is simply to shed a tear and congratulate them.

[camus]

Hey TG,

Graceful little number. Get your ass in Experienced.

I tend to agree with calxaed on the final line "you've shown the regret already in the images that you used"

It's the closure sydrome, the last line to nowhere thing.

Good emotive stuff.

[Jester]

Hi That Girl. I was very envious of your ability to set out this poem in such a way as to direct the reader. I feel

"in those pointless hallways
where the only lingering distractions

are our ghosts. Waltzing sock-footed on the wooden floor"

reads perfectly.

On the other hand, I side with the "drop the last line" brigade for this type of poem. Have you seen "After Lunch" by Lemony?

Really enjoyed this read - thank you.

Mick

[calxaed]

Removing that last line and changng the title to 'Regret' was a good solution to the last-line problem, now the idea of regret informs the reading of the whole poem without making it too explicit. Good thinking.

[that girl]

Thank you all for your comments.

And nice to meet you, to those I don't know.

.tg.

[Macavity]

The last line's fine. The poem's tone is spot-on. Really liked the socks.

cheers

mac