Dancer: The New Moon's Partner

[RCJames]

(rev.2)

She changes partners –
lightning wrapped in mist;
ten of them and none have
a chance of holding on.
You may view it as dance macabre-
her laugh is steamy, unbeatable,
timed to the quick; she glides
with insolent grace across the floor,
dismissing the men like exotic birds
who fly only to be seen; she wants
you to disappear into her story
so she can surprise you unraveling
the shroud surrounding passion.






(rev. 1)
She shuffles partners
like a wanton breeze-
look at it as dance macabre—
ten of them and none have a chance
of holding on. Her laugh is steamy,
calculated and quick,
summer lightning wrapped in mist.
She glides with grace
across the floor as if it were skyway,
dismissing the men like exotic birds
who fly only to be seen; she wants
you to waltz to a new measure,
to disappear into her fable so she
can discover you unraveling
the shroud, enfolding passion.






(orig)
She changes partners—
lightning wrapped in mist.
You may view it as dance macabre—
ten of them and none have a chance
of holding on. Her laugh is steamy,
unbeatable, timed to the quick;
she glides with insolent grace
across the floor as if it were skyway,
dismissing the men like exotic birds
who fly only to be seen; she wants
you to disappear into her story,
so she can surprise you unraveling
the shroud surrounding passion.

[Ros]

No idea what this is about, but I rather like it.

you to disappear into her story so she
can find you and celebrate your discovery
of the shroud surrounding passion.

It gets a bit prosy here, at the end - could you sharpen the phrasing up a bit?

Ros

[bodkin]

I also like it but I'm going to say it needs more concrete images.

The "dance macabre", skyway and the birds are great, but other parts, like "timed", "insolent" "disappear into her story" are abstract possibilities rather than concrete observations.

Some abstraction is fine, I think, for the slightly contemplative mood of the piece, but I think you need more concrete elements. Maybe particularly towards the start, to make it a really "liveable" scene that we get pulled into?

The only other thing is "lightning wrapped in mist" which is an effective phrase... but you've used it before the situation is really introduced. So it feels a bit to be coming apropos of nothing. I think I need to know the subject better before such a striking description is applied...

Ian

[David]

Here's a femme fatale indeed. The "wanton breeze" is a good phrase, and so is "summer lightning wrapped in mist", but I wonder whether the whole thing is too conventionally femme fatalish. Is there - to be blunt about it - a trace of misogyny here? I'm not saying there is. I only wonder. It's always a risk in this sort of "mysterious dangerous and (especially) wanton woman" character sketch.

Still, lots of it works, but I agree with Ros and Ian about the last few lines, especially "exotic birds / who fly only to be seen" - wasn't sure what to make of that at all.

Should that be danse macabre?

Cheers

David

[Arian]

Like Ros, I can't claim to grasp what this is about, but I rather like the feel of it.

I really like:

she wants
you to waltz to a new measure,

though I have to admit to finding the following lines unfathomable.

Cheers
peter

[cynwulf]

I liked latest version and the feel of this, though like some others I have no idea what it is about, not sure whether I'm missing some deep esoteric reference , or whether it is as it seems on the surface. Liked the pairing of insolence and grace.
C.

[RCJames]

I don'no - I'm not sure why people are having trouble comprehending this. Basically I saw her as a kind of cheery femme-fatale with a passion for dancing and finding the right man. The latest version is a return to the original in most parts of it and I do prefer the simplicity of that original. Thanks for your comment, RC