Our First Shop At Asda (revision3)

[Macavity]

revision3

My gran scoops hearts from pick n' mix,
mumbles her wedding vows. Granddad
offers his grin and grabs a bouquet.
He wears red wellies and looks bone thin.

It's Lucy's first day on the checkouts,
our mam's trolley is overflowing
with Pedigree Chum and Del Monte.
I put some Spam in the foodie bin.

Security's Flynn, a Gooner mate,
we trade some tribal banter on Spuds.
The trip's perfect, like an advert,
I hide my pride of tattooed skin.

==================================================================


revision2

My gran scoops hearts from pick n' mix,
mumbles her wedding vows. Granddad
offers his grin and grabs a bouquet.
He wears red wellies and looks bone thin.

It's Lucy's first day on the checkouts,
our mam's trolley is overflowing
with Pedigree Chum and Del Monte.
I put some Spam in the foodie bin.

Security's Flynn, a Bluebird mate,
we trade some banter on the Jacks.
The scam's perfect, it warms my hide,
I flex my pride of tattooed skin.

or

First Shop At Asda

My gran scoops hearts from pick n' mix,
mumbles her wedding vows. Granddad
offers his grin and grabs a bouquet.
He wears red wellies and looks bone thin.

It's Lucy's first day on the checkouts,
our mam's trolley is overflowing
with Pedigree Chum and Del Monte.
I put some Spam in the foodie bin.

Security's Flynn, a Bluebird mate,
we trade some banter on the Jacks.
The trip's perfect, it warms my hide,
I flex my pride of tattooed skin.

======================================================

revised

My gran scoops hearts from pick n' mix,
mumbles her wedding vows. Granddad
offers his grin and grabs a bouquet.
He wears red wellies and looks bone thin.

It's Lucy's first day on the checkouts,
mam's trolley is overflowing
with Pedigree Chum and Del Monte.
I put some Spam in the foodie bin.

Security's Flynn, a Bluebird mate,
we trade some banter on the Jacks.
The sky's perfect, no knot of clouds,
I flex my pride of tattooed skin.

========================================================================


original

My gran scoops hearts from pick n' mix, mumbles
a sequin of wedding vows. My granddad
offers a smile and grabs a pricey bouquet,
he's wearing red wellies and looks bone thin.

It's my sister's first day on the checkouts
and mum's trolley is overflowing with
the Pedigree Chum and dad's Del Monte.
I put some basics in the foodie bin.

Security's Flynn, a solid footie mate,
we trade some tribal banter on the Jacks.
Outside the sky's a perfect blue, no knot
of clouds, I flex my pride of tattooed skin.

[NotQuiteSure]

mac
nice opening line,
the first lines of each stanza are strong.
Not sure about either 'mumbles' or 'sequin'
(particularly together).
L2 do you need the 'my' before 'granddad'?
L4 surely [he's]?
L5 I think you could give 'sister' a name, just to break up the list of relatives.
L6 do you need 'and'?
Could you move L8 up to L5, avoiding the proximity of 'foodie' and 'footie'?
I think it's missing a final stanza, something to conclude the story
(and explain why you're all there - other than perhaps to support the sister).
The title has something of the 'I shop at Waitrose' about it.
'pride of tattooed skin' - good line.
Regards, Not

[Macavity]

Thank you NQS. Plenty of suggestions to ponder. Very much appreciated.

all the best

mac

[JJWilliamson]

Hi, mac

An interesting episode/vignette with some fine imagery. I'm not sure about its greater purpose
but the snapshot was believable, and enjoyable.

After reading the poem I thought the title was "No Rest at Asda".

I assume you're referring to the documented arrests that seem to take place at Asda on a regular basis. Can't be sure.
There's a security guard in one or more of the incidents I recall.

My gran scoops hearts from pick n' mix, mumbles ...Not sure about this line break. It broke the flow for me.
I always associate 'mumbles' with Wales. It was only a brief hiatus.
a sequin of wedding vows. My granddad ...I'm not familiar with 'sequin' in this context.
offers a smile and grabs a pricey bouquet,
he's wearing red wellies and looks bone thin. ...The red wellies seem significant. Is this a political point?

It's my sister's first day on the checkouts
and mum's trolley is overflowing with ...Not keen on this line break. Are the family there to offer their support, giving the new girl an opportunity to show her worth?
[s]the[/s]Pedigree Chum and dad's Del Monte. ...Interesting choices. Chum and Del Monte are relatively expensive items, are they not? Is that significant?
I put some basics in the foodie bin.

Security's Flynn, a solid footie mate, ...Could he have the nickname Security Flynn instead of the possessive form? Surely he got "Errol" all the time.
we trade some tribal banter on the Jacks. ...Local football team?
Outside the sky's a perfect blue, no knot
of clouds, I flex my pride of tattooed skin. ...Strong image to close on. What is the tattoo, I wonder. Could be a reference to perceived social status and associated political party. Whatever the reason, the tattoo seems significant. Could you provide another clue? I think the speaker is hanging onto his roots.

Reads like a family enjoying some of the good things in life and proud to be a part it all, whilst still having one eye on the needy, or the speaker does.
Then there's the pricey bouquet and the vows. "For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or in health".

Lots to think about and I'm not sure If I've got it or not.

Best

JJ

[Macavity]

Thanks JJ. I've taken your comments, and NQS, and duly revised.

all the best

mac

[Antcliff]

Enjoyed that, Mac. Nice.

And a good subject...family solidarity on her first day at the checkout. The love comes through.

You are good at these family pieces with you as the kid...like a scene from the great Giles.

Not much to add other than I liked the close especially and the first stanza especially.

I was puzzled about "Bluebird" at first, but then assumed it was a pub. I would be puzzled otherwise. Jacks..Swansea of course.

Seth
I'd forgotten about Del Monte. We always had pears, bloody Del Monte pears.

[Firebird]

I prefer V2 Mac, though have a few minor nits which I've pointed out below.

revised

My gran scoops hearts from pick n' mix,
mumbles her wedding vows. Granddad
offers his grin and grabs a bouquet.
He wears red wellies and looks bone thin. (Don't really like the grin/thin rhyme here. It stands out too much)

It's Lucy's first day on the checkouts,
mam's trolley is overflowing (like the line break)
with Pedigree Chum and Del Monte.
I put some Spam in the foodie bin.

Security's Flynn, a Bluebird mate, (nice specific local colour)
we trade some banter on the Jacks.
The sky's perfect, no knot of clouds,
I flex my pride of tattooed skin. (Strong finish)

========================================================================


original

My gran scoops hearts from pick n' mix, mumbles
a sequin of wedding vows. My granddad
offers a smile and grabs a pricey bouquet,
he's wearing red wellies and looks bone thin.

It's my sister's first day on the checkouts
and mum's trolley is overflowing with
the Pedigree Chum and dad's Del Monte.
I put some basics in the foodie bin.

Security's Flynn, a solid footie mate,
we trade some tribal banter on the Jacks.
Outside the sky's a perfect blue, no knot
of clouds, I flex my pride of tattooed skin.

[JJWilliamson]

I like the revision, mac

One or two reservations, minor ones, though.

revised

My gran scoops hearts from pick n' mix,
mumbles her wedding vows. Granddad
offers his grin and grabs a bouquet.
He wears red wellies and looks bone thin. ...Very pleasant introduction. I'm still looking at those red wellies. I think it's the symbolism offered by 'red' that has me scrutinising granddad's footwear.

It's Lucy's first day on the checkouts, ...The name is specific but you've lost the relationship. Would the intro of 'our' before 'mam's' help? Is it already implied? I already know she's N's sister from the original, so it's difficult to tell.
mam's trolley is overflowing
with Pedigree Chum and Del Monte.
I put some Spam in the foodie bin. ...What a difference a word makes.

Security's Flynn, a Bluebird mate, ...Cardiff City and Swansea City football teams. Now I've got it, thanks to Seth and this addition.
we trade some banter on the Jacks.
The sky's perfect, no knot of clouds,
I flex my pride of tattooed skin. ...Reads like you're a "blue" but I instinctively felt the tattoo would be of a swan. Blue and tattoo would be difficult for me to resist.

The revision helped to open some of the imagery. I still think I'm missing something from S1.

Best

JJ

========================================================================


original

My gran scoops hearts from pick n' mix, mumbles
a sequin of wedding vows. My granddad
offers a smile and grabs a pricey bouquet,
he's wearing red wellies and looks bone thin.

It's my sister's first day on the checkouts
and mum's trolley is overflowing with
the Pedigree Chum and dad's Del Monte.
I put some basics in the foodie bin.

Security's Flynn, a solid footie mate,
we trade some tribal banter on the Jacks.
Outside the sky's a perfect blue, no knot
of clouds, I flex my pride of tattooed skin.

[Crayon]

Neat scam. I suppose they couldn't get away with it these days.

The brands (and the scam itself?) make it a period piece (70s/80s?), but isn't folk saying "banter" post-milleninium? And maybe bouquets in Asda came later too?

"Lucy" doesn't quite feel like the right name. And I imagine the narrator would abbreviate most names to single syllables.

The language of the last two lines isn't in character with "I". But I can see why you wrote the poem in first-person.

I like it, mostly, even though it's somewhat comical, and I'm (probably totally unfairly) getting a faint hint of down-facing class snobbery.

[NotQuiteSure]

mac
the revision is a definite improvement,
but I still think the snobbery of the title undercuts the affection N shows to the family.
L4[tab][/tab]could he be doing something more than simply 'wearing' red wellies? (buckling his swash, foxtrotting...?)
L5[tab][/tab]I think Crayon is right about the name - maybe 'our Lynn's first day...', for example.
L8[tab][/tab]I don't buy spam (as it were), but would be persuaded by a period appropriate amount of (celebratory) alcohol
L9[tab][/tab]In agreement with JJ on the name - perhaps just move the apostrophe - 'Security Flynn's...
Also, there might be more mileage in 'an old school mate' (just a thought).
L10[tab][/tab]Again with Crayon, 'banter' does seem a bit at odds with 'pick n' mix'. Thought 'tribal' was good, worth keeping.
L11/12[tab][/tab]Suddenly N appears to be outside, what happened? You still seem to be rushing (to) the ending.
Getting tripped by 'flex', can't see why it's happening, perhaps 'sun warms the pride of my tattooed skin'?

Regards, Not
[tab][/tab]

[JJWilliamson]

Oh no! Are they on the nick at Asda, pushing the goodies through the daughter/sister?

It all fits. The arrest, or lack of it due to Flynn's blind eye, and the stocking up on certain dearer items.

Even the wellies could conceal a thing or two.

And there was me thinking the family were out in force to support the daughter on her first day.
Would they wait until she'd finished her training before chancing it? I'm no expert.

JJ

[Ros]

Oh no! Are they on the nick at Asda, pushing the goodies through the daughter/sister?

It all fits. The arrest, or lack of it due to Flynn's blind eye, and the stocking up on certain dearer items.

Even the wellies could conceal a thing or two.

And there was me thinking the family were out in force to support the daughter on her first day.
Would they wait until she'd finished her training before chancing it? I'm no expert.

JJ

I read it like that too, innocent support rather than theft. But then the title was making no sense to me. The tatooed skin is a good image but I'm expecting it to be significant to the story, and I'm not seeing it.

Ros

[Antcliff]

Ah, I missed the "liberating items" reading as well...assuming the innocent "solidarity" reading. As JJ says, it all fits.

Seth

[David]

I don't prefer the original! I thought this needed to be said. It's much better in tetrameter - well, nearly in tetrameter. But you need "my sister" (or NQS's clever suggestion) for the story to make sense.

I missed the thefts, and therefore the significance of the non-arrest, completely. I'm impressed that Crayon spotted it. It's hard to see. In fact I think it's still invisible.

I like lots of this - the red wellies especially - but "I flex my pride of tattooed skin" is a line that should have been strangled at birth. I can just about to get it to make sense, but I had to work far too hard. (It's also Not Proper English.) The poem is quite charming, and deserves a better ending.

I can't comment on the snobbery aspect (although it doesn't sound like you). We have neither Asda nor Waitrose here. Have you tried Shoprite?

Cheers

David

[Macavity]

Thanks Seth, JJ, Crayon, NQS, Ros, Tristan and David. Very much enjoyed your responses, perspectives, and have picked up some of the suggestions (will ponder others). Love the thought of Giles. Never tried Spam myself, but have put a tin of it in the 'foodie bin'!

all the best

mac

[Antcliff]

At the mention of Giles the Great...

[Macavity]

great

[Sheila]

This poem feels comfortable. The tatoos reference changed the image in my mind, made me think of dreadlocks and rebellion, and altered my perception of the family. Perhaps this was meant, or perhaps I am being judgemental? Sheila

[Macavity]

Thanks Sheila. I think the poem has invited 'judgmental' comments, which I found interesting.

best

mac