In My Image - revised

[ray miller]

Revised

It’s someone else’s funeral
and in the midst of congregation
there is ample space to drift
and lift my eyes to heaven
during hymns I cannot sing,
prayers my lips won’t mumble.

I renovate the House of God
in the likeness of a bathroom;
tiled with stained glass,
that cross nailed to the wall
makes a convenient shelf
for soap and flannel.

The Sermon on the Mount
rumbles through the pipes
and we are blessed
with a curtained shower.
The priest appears
to sprinkle Holy Water.

My daughter says nothing
came out of his hand.
I feel like I have passed
down something to her.


Original



It’s someone else’s funeral
and in the midst of congregation
there is ample space to drift
and lift my eyes to heaven
during hymns I cannot sing,
prayers my lips won’t mumble.
I renovate the House of God
in the likeness of a bathroom;
tiled with stained glass,
the cross nailed to the wall
makes a convenient shelf
for soap and flannel.
The Sermon on the Mount
rumbles through the pipes
and we are blessed
with a curtained shower.
The priest appears
to sprinkle Holy Water.
My daughter says nothing
came out of his hand.
I feel like I have passed
something to her.

[Lou]

Really good, Ray. I did momentarily stumble over 'midst of congregation' looking for a 'the', but you're quite right, it's fine. I love the way you have the N's doubts being mystically passed on to the daughter. I wonder if the poem needs a little air, it's a bit of a splodge of text and making it into two or three stanzas would aid the eye. Otherwise, first rate!

Best,
Lou

[NotQuiteSure]

Terrific piece ray,

Great opening line.
I agree with Lou about the 'splodge'.
L10[tab][/tab]possibly 'that' rather then 'the'
L14[tab][/tab]'rumbles' seems somewhat weak, perhaps 'murmurs' or something more evocative.
L17[tab][/tab]I wonder if 'appears' doesn't undercut the end?
Would it still work if it was
The priest anoints
with Holy water

My daughter says nothing
came out of his hand.
I feel like I have passed
something to her.
?
Is 'on' or 'down' missing from the final line?

Regards, Not.

[David]

Yes, really good. But, after the first four lines, I was disappointed it didn't maintain that metre throughout. That's just me being slightly obsessive-compulsive about metre, I think. There are some great lines in there anyway.

Cheers

David

[ray miller]

Thanks, fellas. I may take the advice about the splodge. I had "that cross" and changed it. I also had "passed something on to her" and changed it. I'll probably change them back, though I like the sound of "passed/down something to her".
There's an ambiguity about "appears" that I like.

[JJWilliamson]

Very readable poem, Ray, with a great finish.

Thoroughly enjoyed the detached musings and observations of the speaker.

Revised

It’s someone else’s funeral
and in the midst of congregation
there is ample space to drift
and lift my eyes to heaven
during hymns I cannot sing,
prayers my lips won’t mumble.

I renovate the House of God
in the likeness of a bathroom;
tiled with stained glass,
that cross nailed to the wall
makes a convenient shelf
for soap and flannel.

The Sermon on the Mount
rumbles through the pipes
and we are blessed
with a curtained shower.
The priest appears
to sprinkle Holy Water.

My daughter says nothing ...Not keen on this line break. I didn't spot the enjambment at first, thinking the sentence ended here.
came out of his hand. ...Is 'hand' the right word? Don't they use a sprinkler of some kind. An aspergillum, perhaps.
I feel like I have passed
down something to her.

Yes, I enjoyed this poem.

Best

JJ


Original



It’s someone else’s funeral
and in the midst of congregation
there is ample space to drift
and lift my eyes to heaven
during hymns I cannot sing,
prayers my lips won’t mumble.
I renovate the House of God
in the likeness of a bathroom;
tiled with stained glass,
the cross nailed to the wall
makes a convenient shelf
for soap and flannel.
The Sermon on the Mount
rumbles through the pipes
and we are blessed
with a curtained shower.
The priest appears
to sprinkle Holy Water.
My daughter says nothing
came out of his hand.
I feel like I have passed
something to her.

[bodkin]

Enjoyed, not 100% sure I understand the end, are you saying the daughter inherited scepticism from you? And thus calls the holy water "nothing" (meaning "nothing special")?

Is the first strophe entirely necessary as a set up? Could you start with the striking bathroom image and only reveal why it's going on afterwards?

Good stuff!

Ian

[ray miller]

Thanks, JJ,Ian. I don't know how they're supposed to sprinkle water, but my daughter did actually say that nothing came out of his hand. I like to think that my children have inherited a healthy scepticism. On a slightly related note it has pleased me no end that my 4 eldest children all voted Labour.