Once upon a time, hi all

[raedaljishi@]

hi all that is my 1st poem hope u like it
thanx
>>>>>>>>
Once upon a time

Once upon a time there was a girl
She was crying, but no one was there
She cried, she cried, she was afraid
She saw a shadow coming ahead
She thought that it was a shadow of a monster
And yes, it was
Her body swung in his four hands
She slept by the shock, but when she awoke
She saw him there
Crying and weeping on his chair
He tried to help, her fear did go
She hugged him, she kissed him
Was it love, oh, yeah it was
I really know
I was the monster
And now she is dead, and now I will
I'll close my eyes, I'll say the spell
Good-bye, my life; good-bye, my life

[calxaed]

Hi raedaljishi@
I think I can see what you're going for here, but it needs some work. This poem is very prose like, you're telling us a story, which is fine, narrative in poetry is an ancient tradition, but the narrative has to serve some purpose beyond just the telling. I think you need to pay some attention to structure, cutting into short line lengths isn't really enough, concentrate on the rhythm of your words and the way they go together on the line, alliteration, assonance etc. Try to avoid cliched formulations like 'once upon a time' unless you're going for some ironic effect.

'Was it love, oh, yeah it was'

Who exactly are you asking and who is answering, this sort of thing is more song lyric like than poetic. I'd avoid directly addressing your reader, lyric poetry generally works on the principle of overheard thought.
Also some of the english is a bit clunky and doesn't really work well. For example 'She slept by the shock' and 'her fear did go' are not phrases that a native speaker of english woud use, is english your first language?
As a whole the story doesn't work well either, it's not clear to me what you're trying to say. She was frightened, then not, in love, then dead?? I'd advise you to look at some of the other poems that are posted here and in the experienced section to get some idea of what other people are doing, which would also give you the opportunity to give the obligatory two crits of others work.

[barrie]

Hello raedaljishi -

Just to let you know that you are are expected to post at least two crits on the works of other forum users for every poem that you submit.
Look forward to reading your crits.

cheers

Barrie

[raedaljishi@]

thank you dear calxaed for enlightening me with your comments

(( is english your first language?))

No eng. is not my first lang
but i ll try my best
next time

thanx again

[raedaljishi@]

Hello barrie

thanks

i ll blame my tools/ connections

[ccvulture]

R

Heartfelt evolution is told of here but it could be a lot different. You could try to concentrate on one image (the monster) and explore it in closer detail, rather than simply narrating your way through thr evolution. To add some technical comments...

1. There is punctuation within the lines but not at the end. It must be consistent one way or the other. (Personally I prefer punctuations because they give the reader a firmer idea of the intended pace and structure, also meaning; and they show that the writer is skilled enough to use them.)

2. Generally the use of Capitals at the start of each line is unneccesary. Examples of good deployment include acrostics and the beginnings of sentences; Again, without punctuation line-breaks, Capitals can confuse because they blur the intention of the ends/starts of sentences.

Keep at it

Stu

hi all that is my 1st poem hope u like it
thanx
>>>>>>>>
Once upon a time

Once upon a time there was a girl
She was crying, but no one was there
She cried, she cried, she was afraid
She saw a shadow coming ahead
She thought that it was a shadow of a monster
And yes, it was
Her body swung in his four hands
She slept by the shock, but when she awoke
She saw him there
Crying and weeping on his chair
He tried to help, her fear did go
She hugged him, she kissed him
Was it love, oh, yeah it was
I really know
I was the monster
And now she is dead, and now I will
I'll close my eyes, I'll say the spell
Good-bye, my life; good-bye, my life

[raedaljishi@]

thanks alot

i ll put your comments
in my mind