“best friends” we said,
but that was the first time.
you decided to turn away,
sheer pain, jealousy, unrefined wannabe.
“best friends” we said,
it happened again.
was this time worth it?
could we try to resolve this?
“best friends” we said,
a third time now?
here i am alone as you shun me to the world.
“best friends” we said,
are we doing this again?
the boy captured your heart, or so you thought;
you used me to get to him, when he just wanted to play.
“best friends” we said,
we’re coming to an end. no more lies, no more using, no more distress.
“best friends?” i said,
closure,
not a chance.
Untitled
The pain of betrayal is definitely voiced in the poem. However, you gotta give us a picture of it. It is all in the details. Show us the betrayal. What does it look like? Is it a glance, a smirk, an unanswered call, seeing the loved one with the friend holding hands in the park on a bench?
For example, if you told a friend - "Gloria betrayed me!" The first thing your friend is going to ask is "How?"
Luce
For example, if you told a friend - "Gloria betrayed me!" The first thing your friend is going to ask is "How?"
Luce
"She acts like summer, walks like rain." - Train
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NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3660
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
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Hi anongirl
Firstly, it does improve on the original, there is more focus, I think,
just not quite enough for me. What I don't get, in either version, is
an understanding of that "best friends" actually means to the narrator,
and how the subsequent 'betrayals' relate to that.
S1
'But' is telegraphing what is to come, you don't need to do that.
'turn away' what does this mean?
'sheer pain...' this is already implied.
S2
[when] it happened again perhaps? Or 'it happened once more' to avoid repeating 'again'
(which works best in S4)
I like the question, but it comes back to what does "best friends" mean?
What resolution is required? When did 'friendship' become exclusive?
S3
Stick with four line verses.
S4
'again?', good question.
'you used me' seems to be the key to this verse (rather than 'the boy'),
and could stand elaboration.
S5
Either drop this verse or add more detail, it isn't doing enough.
Maybe something like
“best friends” we said,
I'm starting to lose count
too tired for the...
S6
this has the potential for a strong finish.
maybe;
"best friends?" you said
closure,
not a chance.
“best friends?” i said,
Hope this helps
Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]
Hi anongirl
Firstly, it does improve on the original, there is more focus, I think,
just not quite enough for me. What I don't get, in either version, is
an understanding of that "best friends" actually means to the narrator,
and how the subsequent 'betrayals' relate to that.
S1
'But' is telegraphing what is to come, you don't need to do that.
'turn away' what does this mean?
'sheer pain...' this is already implied.
S2
[when] it happened again perhaps? Or 'it happened once more' to avoid repeating 'again'
(which works best in S4)
I like the question, but it comes back to what does "best friends" mean?
What resolution is required? When did 'friendship' become exclusive?
S3
Stick with four line verses.
S4
'again?', good question.
'you used me' seems to be the key to this verse (rather than 'the boy'),
and could stand elaboration.
S5
Either drop this verse or add more detail, it isn't doing enough.
Maybe something like
“best friends” we said,
I'm starting to lose count
too tired for the...
S6
this has the potential for a strong finish.
maybe;
"best friends?" you said
closure,
not a chance.
“best friends?” i said,
Hope this helps
Regards, Not.
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