Thick water - looking for feedback

[JaneDoe]

Hello, New here!
I'm new to poetry writing, so i'm hoping i can learn a thing or two from this really inspiring community.
I write a lot but more in a way to spit out my thoughts. Maybe i can find a more creative way of doing it to share with others.

Thick Water Ver03

My mouth is filled with water,
thick, black water.
The kind you can’t cough up
or swallow.

It’s hard to speak
but when I try your asphyxiating truth spills
from my palate, overflowing with
a sour bile that never falters.

My throat is filled with water,
thick, black water.

I feel sickened
retching on the viscosity of your words.
Light headed, I can’t breathe.
I want a release, just a little time,
a little more time to breathe.

My lungs are filled with water,
thick, black water
in which i am drowning.

Thick Water Ver01

My mouth is filled with water,
Thick, black water.
The kind that you can’t cough up or swallow.

The taste of your words glaze my tongue
Making my breath bitter and hot.
I can’t speak,
I can’t speak without it spilling from my mouth
Like a waterfall gushing from my palette,
Sour and angry.

My throat is filled with water,
Thick, black water.

I feel sick
Trying to swallow the viscosity of your words.
Light headed, i can’t breathe,
I want a release, just a little more,
A little more time to breathe.

My lungs are filled with water,
Thick, black water.

I feel so heavy.

My body is filled with water,
Thick, black water.
The kind that you can’t cough up, or swallow.

I feel like maybe the flow of it needs some work but i hope the story is coming across strongly enough.
Thank you.

[Firebird]

Welcome Jane! This is a good poem IMO. You use repetition to good effect (it builds up the force of the poem well), and I think it mostly flows well. I like your use of a refrain. I also like the paradox that even though we sometime find it hard to swallow things they still go in. Some specific points below that might help.

Cheers,

Tristan

Thick Water

My mouth is filled with water,
Thick, black water. (Maybe ‘Thick and black’)
The kind that you can’t cough up or swallow. (Maybe delete ‘that’ and finish the line on ‘up’, and have a new line with ‘or swallow’)

The taste of your words glaze my tongue
Making my breath bitter and hot.
I can’t speak,
I can’t speak without it spilling from my mouth
Like a waterfall gushing from my palette,
Sour and angry. (‘angry’ is a telly)

My throat is filled with water,
Thick, black water.

I feel sick
Trying to swallow the viscosity of your words.
Light headed, i can’t breathe, (capital ‘I’)
I want a release, just a little more,
A little more time to breathe.

My lungs are filled with water,
Thick, black water.

I feel so heavy.

My body is filled with water,
Thick, black water.
The kind that you can’t cough up, or swallow.[/quote]

Nice poem.

[JaneDoe]

Thank you very much Tristan!

I'm really glad you like it.
I love to use repetition a lot to help drive a narrative so i'm glad it works well.

I've applied your feedback and i like it a lot more than before. Sometimes i add to many pronouns or conjunctions so its been hard to cut it all out for poetry.

I've tried looking it up but i'm unsure what you mean by "angry is a telly". Could you let me know what you meant by that? I looked at the glossary to try find out what telly may mean.

Thanks again!

[David Smedley]

My mouth is filled with water,
Thick, black water.
The kind that you can’t cough up or swallow.

The taste of your words glaze my tongue
Making my breath bitter and hot.
I can’t speak,
I can’t speak without it spilling from my mouth
Like a waterfall gushing from my palette,
Sour and angry.

My throat is filled with water,
Thick, black water.

I feel sick
Trying to swallow the viscosity of your words.
Light headed, i can’t breathe,
I want a release, just a little more,
A little more time to breathe.

My lungs are filled with water,
Thick, black water.

I feel so heavy.

My body is filled with water,
Thick, black water.
The kind that you can’t cough up, or swallow.


Hello JD. The repetition does not work for me, You are literally saying the same thing for verse after verse, it makes for a boring read,
and a read that has no depth.

I have to assume that the narrator feels they are drowning because of the "words" "N" has had to listen to, be they from a lover, brother, or mother.

"Pallete" should be "palate." And I would suggest that nothing can "gush from the palate."

Your syntax also says that it is the "breath" that is gushing from N's palate, not the "black water" that is supposed to be filling N's mouth.
Attention to order is a must.

Good luck. David.
,

[Firebird]

Hi Jane, ‘telly’ just means that you are ‘telling’ me your N (narrator) is angry rather than ‘showing’ me it via an image or some sort of concrete discription of facial expressions or actions.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan

[JaneDoe]

Thank you David for your feedback!

I've changed the syntax to reaffirm that it is the water filling their mouth, not the breath, changed out the word gushing and removed one of the repeats so it doesn't get too tiring.

Thank you Tristan! I have fixed that up, thanks for letting me know. I wanted to use angry as a taste rather than an expression or emotion but i don't think that it works the way intended.

Here is a revision:

Thick water ver02

My mouth is filled with water,
Thick, black water.
The kind you can’t cough up
Or swallow.

Your words glaze my tongue
Making my breath bitter and hot.
I can’t speak without water spilling from my mouth
Like a waterfall from my palate,
Sour and tart.

My throat is filled with water,
Thick, black water.

I feel sick
Trying to swallow the viscosity of your words.
Light headed, I can’t breathe.
I want a release, just a little more,
A little more time to breathe.

I feel heavy

My lungs are filled with water,
Thick, black water.
The kind you can’t cough up
Or swallow.

[Luce]

Hi JaneDoe and welcome to PG. First things first, please post any revisions on top of your original contained in your first post. This enables posters to see and compare versions. It also prevents your revision from getting lost in the string as posters respond and add to the string. You can't assume that all posters go through the string. They may just see the first post or two or they may just go through the string quickly and miss your revision. I, for one, go through the comments quickly (especially if there are a lot of them. I could of easily missed your revision. Also, put in the title bar "Revision" or "Version" next to the title.

To be clear, I'm not a moderator, just a fellow poster giving you a heads up.

Now to your poem.

I like the repetition and the progression that you instilled in the repeated lines. I like the use of water as a metaphor for held back anger.

Using water fits, IMHO. When I think of drowning I immediately think "water" even though history has sadly shown us that sentient being can drown in any type of liquid. Please note that feedback and suggestions given are always TOT (Take or Toss).

Luce

Thick water ver02

My mouth is filled with water,
Thick, black water.
The kind you can’t cough up
Or swallow.

I like the opening lines. It grabs your attention.

The preferred modern style is not to capitalize the first letter of each line. Take a closer look at modern poems or even the poems on these boards and you'll seldom see this style used.

Your words glaze my tongue
Making my breath bitter and hot.
I can’t speak without water spilling from my mouth
Like a waterfall from my palate,
Sour and tart.

I like the imagery involving the breath but there is some confusion in the lines. If the mouth is filled with thick, black water how can the N feel that his tongue is glazed?

I do like the imagery involving the N not being able to speak without water falling out of the N's mouth. However, I think you need a clearer more violent simile than a waterfall. Perhaps a dam breaking would be better. A major dam breakage is violent and sudden.

My throat is filled with water,
Thick, black water.

I like the progression from the mouth to the throat in the repetition.

I feel sick
Trying to swallow the viscosity of your words.
Light headed, I can’t breathe.
I want a release, just a little more,
A little more time to breathe.

"I feel sick" is telly. Show us sick or better yet, delete this line.

It maybe an unpleasant task to do but you may want to research what it feels like to be drowning in your own fluids. If you have personally experienced it, recount that experience. What was actually felt? Recalling or reading of this type of event will help you to create more vivid and concise imagery.

I feel heavy

My lungs are filled with water,
Thick, black water.
The kind you can’t cough up
Or swallow.

I'd delete "I feel heavy". Instead conclude your repetition with the lungs, like so:

My lungs are will with water,
thick, black water

Instead of repeating your opening lines describe what it feels to have your lungs filled with water. What happens to the N? Does he/she drowns in her own fluids (anger)?

In viewing this poem from a far, I'm wondering if you should reverse the progression from the lungs to the mouth. The release could be an eruption of anger from the mouth. TOT.

[JaneDoe]

Fortytwo, thank you for your very helpful feedback! I would like to keep the water visual but I agree with a lot of your other suggestions and I have tried to implement them or use them to make a similar change. I feel like I'm learning so much already and it is a lot fun thank you!

Luce, thank you as well. I will make sure to amend my posts so that people can see the revisions. I appreciate the heads up.
I'm going to remove the lines about the breath, I like the lines but I agree that it is confusing in this poem and is proving difficult to make fit with the rest of the stanza.
I don't know what it feels like to drown, it sounds awful but i'll try and take a look into it to see if it can add anything to my visuals.

Its really fun listening to people interrupting the message.

I've posted a revision to the first post after all the feedback. Thank you again everyone!