January 5th, 2018. slight edits.

[David Smedley]

V3, minor edits.

Dark, rook and crow dark. Black cloud
inches above wet roof-slates
that haven't dried out for days. Doves:
a pair, drenched, statue still
for hours on a low evergreen bough;
the whole tree shivers in a wind
that has seen the garden furniture
rolled around the like tumbleweed
and has pushed blue-bins full of plastic
waste over onto their sides
for the whole length of the street.
I climb the stairs to the attic,
get the stepladders and climb them
to scan the horizon through the velux
window, no break close at hand,
but a rainbow arced over the far moors
speaks of sunshine somewhere.


V2, with minor edits.

Dark, rook and crow dark. Black cloud
inches above wet roof-slates
that haven't dried out for days. Doves:
a pair, drenched, sat statue still
for hours on a low evergreen bough;
the whole tree shivers in a wind
that has seen the garden furniture
rolled around the like tumble
weed and has pushed blue-bins
full of plastic waste over onto their sides
for the whole length of the street.
I climb the stairs to the attic,
get the stepladders and climb them
to scan the horizon through the velux
window, no break close at hand,
but a rainbow arced over the far moors
speaks of sunshine somewhere.



Original.

Dark, rook and crow dark. Black cloud
inches above wet house-roof-slates
that haven't dried out for days. Doves:
a pair, drenched, sat statue still
for hours on a low evergreen bough;
the whole tree shivers in a wind
that has seen the garden furniture
rolled around the garden like tumble
weed and has pushed blue-bins
full of plastic waste over onto their sides
for the whole length of the street.
I climb the stairs to the attic,
get the stepladders and climb them
to scan the horizon through the velux
window, no break close at hand,
but a rainbow arced over the far moors
speaks of sunshine somewhere.

[ray miller]

Enjoyed. I like the opening sentence.
wet house-roof-slates - "wet roof slates" would do.

that has seen the garden furniture
rolled around the garden like tumble - again, don't think you need "the garden".
weed and has pushed blue-bins

Could do with a semicolon after "window", perhaps

[David Smedley]

Thanks for your thoughts Ray, happy you got something from this draft.

[David Smedley]

Thank you for your view Fortytwo.

[Firebird]

Overall, it’s a good poem. I like the way you use the birds. Some minor points below.

Cheers,

Tristan

V2, with minor edits.


Dark, rook and crow dark. Black cloud
inches above wet roof-slates
that haven't dried out for days. Doves:
a pair, drenched, sat statue still (do you need ‘sat’)
for hours on a low evergreen bough; (nice opening)
the whole tree shivers in a wind
that has seen the garden furniture
rolled around the like tumble (Not keen on this line break)
weed and has pushed blue-bins
full of plastic waste over onto their sides
for the whole length of the street.
I climb the stairs to the attic,
get the stepladders and climb them
to scan the horizon through the velux
window, no break close at hand, (do you need ‘window?)
but a rainbow arced over the far moors
speaks of sunshine somewhere. (Maybe a full stop after ‘moor’ and the final line just ‘sunshine somewhere’)



Original.

Dark, rook and crow dark. Black cloud
inches above wet house-roof-slates
that haven't dried out for days. Doves:
a pair, drenched, sat statue still
for hours on a low evergreen bough;
the whole tree shivers in a wind
that has seen the garden furniture
rolled around the garden like tumble
weed and has pushed blue-bins
full of plastic waste over onto their sides
for the whole length of the street.
I climb the stairs to the attic,
get the stepladders and climb them
to scan the horizon through the velux
window, no break close at hand,
but a rainbow arced over the far moors
speaks of sunshine somewhere.

[David Smedley]

Cheers FB, have incorporated 2 of those thoughts, I want the "window."
D.