The Percuil River

[Luce]

Nice one forty-two. I like the setting. The format used fits the poem's tone. Some stanzas/lines I especially like but others not so much. The imagery, end rhymes, progression and meter are mostly on point. My feedback will basically cover the imagery, rhymes and progression. I'll lightly touch on the meter. I'll leave the last for more experienced hands. I'm a newbie when it comes to a deep critique on meter.

Please bear in mind that all suggestions/comments are always TOT. Therefore, it isn't necessary to do a blow by blow account of what you accept or do not accept re the feedback.

Luce

A sloe hedged path of grass and moss
leads to a channeled stream embossed
upon the creeping mud and slime
and there our little skiffs confined.

L1-4 - I like the rich imagery that L1-L2 provides. I especially like this line "leads to a channeled stream embossed".

Not sure if "confined" is a good word choice since it can easily imply that the skiff is stuck in the "mud and slime". Maybe a better word choice could be: reside, park, rests, or awaits. My vote would be "awaits" because of what follows in the second stanza. Of course this means changing L3 to contain a matching end rhyme for "awaits".

Perhaps instead of saying "skiffs" just "skiff"? It makes it more of a personal journey of the N rather than a crowd. However, it isn't a deal breaker if you don't change it.

In silent mist of cold grey air
we start our day’s adventure there
as oars caress the roading streams
run seaward where awaits the dream.

L5-8 - I like L6. It starts the adventure in the poem and has an upbeat rhythm to it. Not crazy about using "roading" in L7 since it is heavily associated with cars, ATVs, etc. I'm wondering if you can introduce another sense in the poem rather than sight for L5.

The infant river’s lapsing stride
propels our progress with the tide
then expands to a wider reach
where restless vessels fetch and reach.

L9-12 - Another word besides "infant" to describe the river for L9? I can't buy a river as small. Not crazy about repeating "reach" twice in L11-12. Maybe other images involving water fowl or turtles to fill L11-12 along with matching rhymes?

Seabirds awakened from their rest
make plaintive call for daylights fest
that lies upon an island strand’s
flaxen, sea fed nurturing sand.

L13-16 - Not a favorite stanza. Just reads very awkward and forced, especially L14 (daylights fest). L15-16 not as bad and I do like "nurturing sand".

Ahead the mist is sundpierced through,
our little ship comes into view
incites our oars more rapid beat
to fix our skiff to the yachts cleats.

L17-20 - Typo with sun pierced. Wasn't aware that the skiff was headed for a sailing yacht but okay. Not crazy about L19. It reads as if the oars are incited and not the people handling the oars.

We climb aboard our hobbled steed
to hoist the sails as means for speed
Pegasus wings aloft are set
so restlessly it veers and frets.

L21-24 - My least favorite stanza. Describing the sailing yacht as a "hobbled steed" just doesn't work for me. It creates a dark image. And although you do link the horse imagery with a mythical one (Pegasus) the switch doesn't negate the hobbled imagery for me. Perhaps a remedy to this is to make the yacht somewhat restless in its anchor?

The tethers bind wind gifted strength,
attendant masters tread the length
to coil and cleat and needs attend
so safe upon our journey send.

L25-28 - Okay. Stanza progresses the poem along. No nits.

Then from the taut grey chain we’re freed
so unrestrained we gather speed
outbound towards the open sea
and synthesis of liberty.

L29-32 - I would have preferred having some imagery describing the "synthesis of liberty" instead for the end.

[Luce]

Hi Luce.
Thanks for such a concentrated read and for a constructive balance of compliment and helpful opinion. A brief scan of your points shows me immediately there is much to consider and that I have unintentional errors to correct as in the repetition of "reach". Can't think how that got through but this pesky AMD means by now my field of vision is so restricted. I will get onto some revision later today but thanks again.
Sincerely Ft

I'm glad my crit. was helpful to you Ft. I would wait a while with that revision. Let's see what others think. I may be all wrong you know on some things. I'm just one view.

Luce

[David Smedley]

A sloe hedged path of grass and moss
leads to a channeled stream embossed
upon the creeping muddy drift
where their awaits our little skiff.

VERB
embossed (past tense) · embossed (past participle)
carve, mould, or stamp a design on (a surface or object) so that it stands out in relief:
"an embossed brass dish" · [More]
synonyms: imprint · print · stamp · mark · engrave · deboss · emboss · punch · etch · carve · inscribe · cut · chisel
carve, mould, or stamp (a design) on a surface or object:

The "stream" in verse 1 cannot be "embossed" upon anything, as the definition of embossed will tell you.


In silent mist of cold grey air
we start our day’s adventure there
as oars caress the roading streams
run seaward where awaits the dream.

You need a word between "stream" and "run" for the run-on from the line break on to make sense.

"Silent" mist?


Seabirds awakened from their rest
fly seaward for their morning fest
they find upon an island strand
of tidal, worm cast, new blessed sand.

How can "sand" be "new blessed?"


Then from the taut grey chain we’re freed
so unrestrained we gather speed,
outbound towards the open sea
beneath a sky of liberty.

I think I know what your trying to say with the last line, but it does not work for me in its present form to impart that thought with clarity, so I see it as forced rhyme.

[Luce]

Just thought I'd drop by to see the revision. It's too bad that you felt you had to change the lines concerning "embossed". IMHO I can easily see the word "embossed" used for the stream. After all, it's a memory that the N is telling us and memories are usually imprinted. Also, water does carve/cut into a landscape and very suddenly too, in case of a flood. However, I do see the need to inject a healthy dose of reality in descriptions. It keeps the poem grounded. Sometimes it's hard to find the balance between using ones imagination vs reality.

As far as the rest of the revision, I really like the "breach/upreach" change. However, I do long for the shorter original. Yet, despite the nits I still enjoy the majority of the poem because of its peaceful rhytemic tone and vivid setting.

Luce