Looking Out the Kitchen Window (revision 2)

[JJWilliamson]

The finest flakes of snow descend
to cover late December's grime,
but still I miss the Jenny Wren
and all the songs of summertime.

The dizzy flurries find a place
to drift and settle when they’re done,
and yet I wish for just a trace
of celandine and warming sun.

For winter brings the quiet season,
when every living thing retires;
there is no hum of honey bees in
hollow trees or woodland briars.

The holly and the sycamore
are laden with the freshest snow,
and even though I long for warmth
I’m always drawn to winter’s glow.



Revision 1

The finest flakes of snow descend
to cover all the filth and grime,
but still I miss the Jenny Wren
and all the songs of summertime.

The dizzy flurries find a place
to drift and settle when they’re done,
and yet I hanker for a trace
of celandine and warming sun.

For winter is the quiet season,
when every living thing retires;
there is no hum of honey bees in
hollow trees or woodland briars.

The holly and the sycamore
are laden with the freshest snow,
and even though I long for warmth
I’m always drawn to winter’s glow.


Original

The finest flakes of snow descend
to cover late December's grime,
but still I miss the jenny wren
and all the sounds of summertime.

The gentle flurries find a place
to drift and settle when they’re done,
and yet I long for just a trace
of meadow flowers and warming sun.

For winter is the coldest season,
when every living thing retires;
there is no hum of honey bees in
hollow trees or woodland briars.

The holly and the sycamore
are laden with the freshest snow,
and even though I long for warmth
I’m always drawn to winter’s glow.

[Macavity]

hi JJ

Room with a view Nice to read a poem with some 'zing'. There is much to enjoy - season/bees in raised a smile.

Anyway, a poem that mentions my fav. bird gets my thumbs up!

The finest flakes of snow descend
to cover late December's grime,...........contrasts finest against grime...like a fine cloth to disguise
but still I miss the jenny wren
and all the sounds of summertime..................................sound as opposed to silence of winter

The gentle flurries find a place
to drift and settle when they’re done,
and yet I long for just a trace
of meadow flowers and warming sun......specifics?

For winter is the coldest season,.....................quietest...to thead S1L4?...quietest/freshest...just a thought
when every living thing retires;
there is no hum of honey bees in
hollow trees or woodland briars.

The holly and the sycamore
are laden with the freshest snow,
and even though I long for warmth
I’m always drawn to winter’s glow............a different kind of 'shine'

muchly enjoyed

mac

[David]

Hi JJ.

You manage the iambs pretty well, as usual - you are a shepherd of iambs - but I think you overdo them. Some variation in the pace would be nice, and would make things more interesting.

It's also a fairly dutiful trot round the standard sights and sounds of winter. Some new insight, some startling thought, something to make it all the more JJ-specific and less generic would also help to lift it a bit. In my opinion.

Cheers

David

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, mac and David, for the very helpful response to this poem. Appreciated.

Delighted you picked up on the sonics there mac, and more than pleased with your season/bees in comment. The revision loses a bit on that front but there's always an exchange. I'm going to go for the celandine as my flower, but could well drift back.

Hi JJ.

You manage the iambs pretty well, as usual - you are a shepherd of iambs - but I think you overdo them. Some variation in the pace would be nice, and would make things more interesting. ...Aye, it's a possibility. I was in a quiet reflective mood and read this one slowly. I wonder if I've misjudged the pace. A troche often slows the reader down. Will think on it. I have a headless iamb at the head of S3L4 but it's preceded by a feminine syllable in L3, so the iambic rhythm hardly seems to vary. The rest is strict Iambic tetrameter with a few hypermetrical lines lobbed in for good measure.

It's also a fairly dutiful trot round the standard sights and sounds of winter. Some new insight, some startling thought, something to make it all the more JJ-specific and less generic would also help to lift it a bit. In my opinion. ...A sound opinion it is too. I will post a revision soon, though I doubt it will too cerebral or much more than it already is, mainly because I wanted accessible, soft and reflective thoughts to seep through. I think one or two fresher words might give it a nudge. Good suggestion. Cheers.

Cheers

David

Once agian, my thanks to both.

Best

JJ

[David]

JJ, you are so gracious that you make me feel quite curmudgeonly. And, of course, I'm sure old William himself must have written some shorter poems that were jammed to the neck with iambs. Still, as you've had a go at a revision, I'll have a look.

Cheers

David

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks for having another look, David.

It's a short and to the point sort of poem that peacefully examines the other side of the coin, the silver cloud, that sudden feeling of things could be worse.
I hate the damp and dismal British winter but must concede that when it snows the whole world seems to look beautiful. The snow brightened my day.

I'm off to the hospital today for a minor eye op', where they are going to try and restore some of the vision in my right eye. The retina is ok, apparently, but the fluid is cloudy with blood. It was on my mind at the time.

Best

JJ

JJ, you are so gracious that you make me feel quite curmudgeonly. And, of course, I'm sure old William himself must have written some shorter poems that were jammed to the neck with iambs. Still, as you've had a go at a revision, I'll have a look.

Cheers

David

[ray miller]

Enjoyed the rhythm and rhyme. I particularly like season/bees in because it's a bit different. I'm disappointed by the ending, I suppose, I feel it would be truer to the poem's spirit to be reiterating why you prefer summer. Almost like having your cake and eating it.

[Firebird]

Nice poem JJ. Some specific comments below.

The finest flakes of snow descend
to cover all the filth and grime, (I’m sure you could manage something more specific/descriptive than ‘filth and grime’)
but still I miss the Jenny Wren
and all the songs of summertime. (Lovely two lines)

The dizzy flurries find a place
to drift and settle when they’re done,(this line is weak ending in ‘done’)
and yet I hanker for a trace
of celendine and warming sun.

For winter is the quiet season, (I like the rhythm (I’m not talking about the metre) of this line. It seems to reflect the content well)
when every living thing retires;
there is no hum of honey bees in (I know ‘season’/‘bees in’ is a nice rhyme, but don’t think ‘in’ works well enough at the end of this line)
hollow trees or woodland briars.

The holly and the sycamore
are laden with the freshest snow, (‘are’ is a weak start to this line)
and even though I long for warmth
I’m always drawn to winter’s glow. (Strong finish)

All in all though, a good poem.

Cheers,

Tristan


Original

The finest flakes of snow descend
to cover late December's grime,
but still I miss the jenny wren
and all the sounds of summertime.

The gentle flurries find a place
to drift and settle when they’re done,
and yet I long for just a trace
of meadow flowers and warming sun.

For winter is the coldest season,
when every living thing retires;
there is no hum of honey bees in
hollow trees or woodland briars.

The holly and the sycamore
are laden with the freshest snow,
and even though I long for warmth
I’m always drawn to winter’s glow.

[David]

I'm off to the hospital today for a minor eye op', where they are going to try and restore some of the vision in my right eye. The retina is ok, apparently, but the fluid is cloudy with blood. It was on my mind at the time.

Best

JJ

Best of luck with that, JJ.

David

[Antcliff]

Best of luck with the op, JJ!

Have three smiles....

[Firebird]

Good luck JJ.

Hope all goes well!

All my best,

Tristan

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Ray

I smiled at season/bees in as well. It was one of those moments that forced the rulebook out of the window, so to speak.
I thought about following the route you suggest and didn't really reject the idea, more just opted for this version. Could change.
The British winter is a dismal time of year, especially when it's dark, damp, dreary and unbelievably drab. When the snow falls
it's like a temporary gift from the gods that always seems to make up for the dismal days.

Don't get me started on cake!

Best

JJ

Enjoyed the rhythm and rhyme. I particularly like season/bees in because it's a bit different. I'm disappointed by the ending, I suppose, I feel it would be truer to the poem's spirit to be reiterating why you prefer summer. Almost like having your cake and eating it.

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Tristan, for sharing your thoughts again.

Nice poem JJ. Some specific comments below.

The finest flakes of snow descend
to cover all the filth and grime, (I’m sure you could manage something more specific/descriptive than ‘filth and grime’) ...Yes, it's been bothering me as well. I'm happy enough with 'grime' but find 'filth' inappropriate somehow. It seems a tad vulgar to my ear. I'll rethink that line.
but still I miss the Jenny Wren
and all the songs of summertime. (Lovely two lines)

The dizzy flurries find a place
to drift and settle when they’re done,(this line is weak ending in ‘done’) ...It means done as in "spent".
and yet I hanker for a trace
of celandine and warming sun.

For winter is the quiet season, (I like the rhythm (I’m not talking about the metre) of this line. It seems to reflect the content well)
when every living thing retires;
there is no hum of honey bees in (I know ‘season’/‘bees in’ is a nice rhyme, but don’t think ‘in’ works well enough at the end of this line) ...Just GOT to keep it, though.
hollow trees or woodland briars.

The holly and the sycamore
are laden with the freshest snow, (‘are’ is a weak start to this line) ...Not sure what you mean.
and even though I long for warmth
I’m always drawn to winter’s glow. (Strong finish)

All in all though, a good poem. ...Thanks again.

Cheers,

Tristan

Much appreciated critique, Tristan

Best

JJ

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Gents

The op' was a false alarm. I arrived to be told that more tests were necessary, so I had an eye ultrasound scan, a macular (I think that's the right word) series of photos and a final consultation, which resulted in a projected date for the op'. I'm now looking at another six to eight weeks, at least, for the op. Ah, me.

"I understand completely, doctor", Was all I could muster in my disappointment.

Best

JJ

PS

I can still see well enough, just not like I used to.

J

[Firebird]

Hi JJ,

Sorry hear your op was postponed.

The holly and the sycamore
are laden with the freshest snow, (‘are’ is a weak start to this line) ...Not sure what you mean.

I tend not to like lines that start with the passive form, mainly because the auxiliary verb (are) is empty in meaning and offers little interest when the line starts.

Cheers,

Tristan

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Tristan, I understand now. I have the same feeling about end of line words, preferring something strong to end with.

Best

JJ

[Firebird]

Yes, the end and start of a line are both important. I believe Dylan Thomas used to change both obsessively.

Cheers,

Tristan

[JJWilliamson]

It wasn't just us then!

JJ

[Macavity]

The dizzy flurries find a place
to drift and settle when they’re done,
and yet I hanker for a trace
of celandine and warming sun.

For winter is the quiet season,

Like celandine/quiet, but don't feel dizzy/hanker improve. The latter are not the right pitch in this soundscape - in my opinion (I enjoyed the simplicity of the original, which did not strain for novelty).

all laden could be an option - though all is used twice in S1 (could restore the original L2 there)

best wishes for the op JJ

mac

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks for getting back, mac, to take a look at the revision. Appreciated.

The dizzy flurries find a place
to drift and settle when they’re done,
and yet I hanker for a trace
of celandine and warming sun.

For winter is the quiet season,

Like celandine/quiet, but don't feel dizzy/hanker improve. The latter are not the right pitch in this soundscape - in my opinion (I enjoyed the simplicity of the original, which did not strain for novelty). ...Excellent! I didn't like 'hanker' either but I am partial to the dizzy or eddying flurries. I'll remove hanker forthwith.

all laden could be an option - though all is used twice in S1 (could restore the original L2 there) ...I was thinking about restoring the original L2. Consider it done. Still thinking about 'laden'.

best wishes for the op JJ ...Thanks. It was postponed for another 6 to 8 weeks.

mac

All the best

JJ

[oggiesnr]

Interesting because I come to the Wren (the King of the Birds which is another tale) from the folk tradition where it is the symbol of winter rather than summer. Traditionally the wren was hunted on St Stephen's Day (aka Boxing Day) which puts a different spin on it.

Steve

[JJWilliamson]

Yes, that is interesting, Steve. Thanks for mentioning it because I have a winter poem with the wren featuring as one of the main players. I've attached a link.
I was referring to the sound of the wren, that beautiful song that belies its size. Your winter folklore is another spin indeed. Got me thinking.

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=21488&p=179298&hili ... en#p179298

Best

JJ

Interesting because I come to the Wren (the King of the Birds which is another tale) from the folk tradition where it is the symbol of winter rather than summer. Traditionally the wren was hunted on St Stephen's Day (aka Boxing Day) which puts a different spin on it.

Steve

[NotQuiteSure]

[tab][/tab]
Just in case you were sitting on your laurels
with this one JJ.

Looking Out the Kitchen Window


The finest flakes of [ice] descend
to cover all the [grot] and grime,
[How I do] miss the Jenny Wren
and all [her] songs of summertime.

The dizzy flurries find a place
to drift and settle, [a cold welcome],
[yet still I] hanker for [just] a trace
of celandine and warming sun.

[All year's end in a] quiet season,
when every living thing retires;
[no longer humming] honey bees in
hollow trees or woodland briars.

[Old] holly and the sycamore
[bear branches of] the freshest snow,
and even though I [want] for warmth
I’m always drawn to winter’s glow.

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Not, for your thoughtful input.

[tab][/tab]
Just in case you were sitting on your laurels ...More like my holly leaves.
with this one JJ.

Looking Out the Kitchen Window


The finest flakes of [ice] descend ..It was definitely snow.
to cover all the [grot] and grime, ...Bit of a mouthful, I think. 'late December's grime' slips off the tongue. It's softer. Then there's 'descend' and 'December' to consider and the general sibilance.
[How I do] miss the Jenny Wren
and all [her] songs of summertime. ...She is not the only songbird. The blackbird song takes some beating.

The dizzy flurries find a place
to drift and settle, [a cold welcome], ...Disrupts the meter too much. I'm not averse to substitutions, btw.
[yet still I] hanker for [just] a trace ...Again, the meter could be seen as clumsy. There should always be a sound reason for substitutions.
of celandine and warming sun.

[All year's end in a] quiet season, ...You start with a headless, progress to an iamb, an anapest, then an iamb with a feminine end. It's a bit of a stretch.
when every living thing retires;
[no longer humming] honey bees in ...Metrically sound alternative. There is the double 'is' to consider. I'll take another look to see if it jars too much. I'm tempted to change the first 'is' to "brings". "For winter brings the quiet season". That would do it and would maintain the smooth meter.
hollow trees or woodland briars.

[Old] holly and the sycamore ...Ah, you're trying to ditch a 'the'. It's always an interesting point but one I'm prepared to tolerate at this moment. There are a number of adjectives that would fit, and yet I feel they sound a bit forced.
[bear branches of] the freshest snow, ...I think I prefer my version.
and even though I [want] for warmth ...I LONG LONG LONG for warmth. There's a huge difference methinks.
I’m always drawn to winter’s glow.

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

Thanks again, Not, for taking the time to offer so many potential alternatives.

Best

JJ

[David]

It looks fine to me as it was, JJ.

Cheers

David