Backache (revision2)

[Macavity]

revision2

I hear the buzz of bluebottles
bebop their frenzy round a braid
of overflowing bins. You press
a thumb along my vertebrae,
unknot inventive anagrams
beneath the skin. Charts on a wall
map your intent. You hold my head
and twist the neck, that crack aligns
the spine. A saxophone plays on
my wanton bones. You knead. I ache.
I hear the jazz of bluebottles.

==============================================

revision

I hear the jazz of bluebottles
bebop their buzz around a braid
of overflowing bins. You press
a thumb along my vertebrae,
unknot inventive anagrams
beneath the skin. You hold my head
and twist the neck, that crack aligns
the spine. A saxophone plays on.
You map my back. You knead. I ache.

====================================================================================

original

I hear the buzz of bluebottles
bebop their jazz around a braid
of overflowing bins. You press
a thumb along my vertebrae,
unknot inventive anagrams
beneath the skin. You map my back
and twist the neck, that crack aligns
the spine. A saxophone plays on.
You knead. I need. You knead. I ache.

[JJWilliamson]

Good one, mac, and most enjoyable.

Perfect iambic tetrameter all the way through, with a troche in the fourth foot of L1. The rest is iambic, I think.

I hear the buzz of bluebottles
bebop their jazz around a braid ...That reads like a lot of bins.
of overflowing bins. You press
a thumb along my vertabra, ...On a vertebra or along the vertebrae? Just wondering. Also a typo on the spelling,
unknot inventive anagrams ...Great line.
beneath the skin. You map my back
and twist the neck, that crack aligns
the spine. A saxophone plays on. ...Some good sonics going on here, and throughout. Loved align/spine. You could end here.
You knead. I need. You knead. I ache. ...Not sure about the close. Maybe "I need, you knead, I need, you need". Bit of word play.

Enjoyed

Best

JJ

[Macavity]

On a vertebra or along the vertebrae? Just wondering. Also a typo on the spelling,

Thanks for picking that up JJ. I shall have a think about the last line.

cheers

mac

[ray miller]

Enjoyed. bebop their jazz sounds contrived, almost tautological. bebopping around a braid?
unknot inventive anagrams - I wondered what that referred to, maybe the last line needs unravelling - You naked. I need. You naked. I ache.

[Jackie]

I enjoyed this, Mac.

I stumbled with the opening a little, partly because I took buzz to be the subject of bebop—but then you go on with “their jazz” so I guess I’m wrong. Also, I place the stress in bebop on the first syllable so it offset the iambic thing you have going here so well. I love the braid of bins.

From L6, I feel the mapping and twisting separately. Would you consider this rewrite?
You map my back.
You twist the neck; that crack aligns
the spine.

I know those cracks so well!

Jackie

[Macavity]

Thanks Ray and Jackie. I've shuffled the word order for now. Axed some of the last line.

I place the stress in bebop on the first syllable so it offset the iambic thing you have going here so well.

I liked the variation Jackie. Especially, after ending L1 with a trochee.

cheers both

mac

[ton321]

I hear the jazz of bluebottles
bebop their buzz around a braid
of overflowing bins. You press
a thumb along my vertebrae,
unknot inventive anagrams..........like the comparision
beneath the skin. You hold my head
and twist the neck, that crack aligns
the spine. A saxophone plays on.
You map my back. You knead. I ache.

Hi Mac,
I like the revision a lot better than the original, as the last line seemed a bit awkward. I like the repetition of the "ack" sound, of things clicking together again,
almost as if you are solving a puzzle in 3 dimensions!
Enjoyed, Tony

[Macavity]

Thanks for the thumbs up on the revision Tony.

cheers

mac

[Jackie]

Great revision—I feel the jazz now!

I hear the jazz of bluebottles
bebop their buzz around a braid
of overflowing bins. You press
a thumb along my vertebrae,. . . . . I'd be tempted to try "thumb" as a verb (You thumb along my vertebrae)
unknot inventive anagrams
beneath the skin. You hold my head
and twist the neck, that crack aligns
the spine. A saxophone plays on.
You map my back. You knead. I ache. . . . . . Might just be me, but this has an unfinished feel. Could you consider placing this line before "A saxophone plays on"?

Jackie

[NotQuiteSure]

[tab][/tab]
Hi mac.
Somewhat perplexed by the proximity
of 'overflowing bins' to the action.
(Surely something of a passion killer?)
I keep on misreading 'inventive'
as 'invective'. Though that's
obviously my problem

Would second Jackie's excellent 'thumb as verb' idea.

No idea what the saxophone represents
(other than some play on 'horn', possibly).

A couple of cut and paste suggestions;

I hear the jazz of [bumble bees]
bebop their buzz around a braid
of [over-flowering pots]. [You thumb
a groove] along my vertebrae,
inventive anagrams unknot
beneath the skin. [H]old my head
twist the neck, [a] crack aligns
the spine. [Back-beat upon] my back.
You knead. I ache. [You dig]

Regards, Not.
[tab][/tab]

[Lake]

Hi Mac,

Just listening to the sound of the poem makes me happy. That's you.

Hope writing this poem relieved some of your back pain.

Best,

Lake

[Pauline]

Hi Mac.
Just a thought.
You went for 8 beats (?) whereas I went for 10, per line.
See what you think.
Just a thought for you to take or toss

A jazz of bluebottles bebop their buzz
around a braid of overflowing bins.
Pressing a thumb along my vertebrae
unknotting inventive anagrams , neck
and head twisted to align my spine. Crack.
A saxophone plays as you kneed my need.

Hey, just my thoughts.

[Macavity]

Thanks Jackie. I might use the verb. Good idea. In regard to the ending I know what you mean. The number of 'you' was concerning me. Thanks for revisiting.

mac

[Macavity]

Thanks NQS. The opening image was intended to convey the noise of the hyperactive. The saxophone was referencing Charlie Parker, but also the chiropractor 'playing' on the spine. Thanks for the offer of 'groove'. Could be an option to use with Jackie's suggestion. Not sure. A chiropractor relieves pain by giving pain - in my experience.

cheers

mac

[Macavity]

Hi Mac,

Just listening to the sound of the poem makes me happy. That's you.

Hope writing this poem relieved some of your back pain.

Best,

Lake

Pleased you enjoyed Lake. It seems a long time since we shared poems (I remember the kitchen ) Still share poems with Tink and Tony. Not sure where the rest are.

all the best

mac/badge

[Macavity]

Good job Pauline. I tend to shy away from pentameter - tend to use too much filler. Your approach could be an option!

cheers

mac

Hi Mac.
Just a thought.
You went for 8 beats (?) whereas I went for 10, per line.
See what you think.
Just a thought for you to take or toss

A jazz of bluebottles bebop their buzz
around a braid of overflowing bins.
Pressing a thumb along my vertebrae
unknotting inventive anagrams , neck
and head twisted to align my spine. Crack.
A saxophone plays as you kneed my need.

Hey, just my thoughts.

[NotQuiteSure]

Thanks for the offer of 'groove'. Could be an option to use with Jackie's suggestion. Not sure. A chiropractor relieves pain by giving pain - in my experience.

Well, if you're sure I can't twist your arm

Regards, Not.

(Incidently, it wasn't so much the bluebottles as the bins)
[tab][/tab]

[Macavity]

I wondered where the pain was coming from!

The outside world...the stresses of...its fast-paced urban ugliness...its noise...its litter...flowers/bees, I wish!

Thanks for the offer of 'groove'. Could be an option to use with Jackie's suggestion. Not sure. A chiropractor relieves pain by giving pain - in my experience.

Well, if you're sure I can't twist your arm

Regards, Not.

(Incidently, it wasn't so much the bluebottles as the bins)
[tab][/tab]

[Joao]

Hi mac. 'Bebop' is excellent. I agree with Ray, though, that 'jazz' is somewhat redundant. Still scratching my head on 'braid' and 'anagrams' and the final line still feels inconclusive - maybe you need a closing rhyme. I really like the idea of the spine played as a saxophone: I would have preferred as metaphor rather than allusion, but you're subtler than I am - I can tell. Very enjoyable poem with great rhythm.
Best,
Joao

[Macavity]

Thanks for taking a look Joao. In this case the backache doesn't go away so I've reinforced that with an additional line. Also fiddled with my placement of Jazz. The anagrams were meant to signify the 'knots' in daily life translated into the tensed up back.

cheers

mac

[Joao]

In this case the backache doesn't go away so I've reinforced that with an additional line.

Excellent point. Hadn't thought about it this way. The repetition of the first verse works great and sounds like the beginning of a new bar in your jazz song

[Macavity]

Thanks Joao for taking another look and the thumbs up on the revision!

cheers

mac