Nature's fall to materialism

[Skarp Hedin]

Countless years ago, Men were young 1
Emerald flourished throughout the land
Of ancient trees from which birds sung,
With pebble paths of silken sand.
Time lingered with little effect 5
But Man cut wider needing his space,
Into the green he hacked and wrecked,
Clearing ground, laying trees to waste.
With axes strong and sharp he hewed
Himself enough space for to build 10
A citadel in no way crude
But forth from stronghold dwellings spilled….

In time solitary section stood
Quartered in parts of equal size.
Bloom for a season each part would 15
Salvaging nature’s cycle wise.
The spring quarter had trees entwined
With feet of fresh primrose flower,
Twittering birds on branches rhymed
Music of natural power. 20

But space was needed to construct
Important buildings for business
Necessity called to destruct
The spring part of wood picturesque.
So filled they with machinery 25
Strong and ruthless flattening down
Concrete cold for their company
Suffocating soil richly brown.

The summer quarter bloomed in might
Of warming petals light and gold 30
Growth and splendour were in full height
In this section of the wood old.
But as the season in full flow,
Radiant in its blossoming,
Was surrounded by concrete cold 35
Plant life was quenched until dying.
While it crept across summer ground,
Beating hard for better purpose
Forced were the earth and rubble bound,
Sprawling and quelling did Man’s curse. 40

Thus autumn and winter were left
Remaining part of wood unspoiled,
The harsh season of warmth bereft
Yet still their plants in the chill coiled.

The autumn quarter grew chestnut 45
Brown with many easing colours,
Wildlife drowsy in pleasant rut
Of interlinking with others.
Enchanting browns and greens about
Enshrouding remainder of trees 50
Nature harmonised in no doubt,
Connections in and out they weaved.

Like a plague, intrusion of rock
That poured from forgotten seasons
Under stone the earth to enlock 55
For profits and many reasons.
Stealing third section from process
Of nature and nature’s order
Greed and need for Man to possess,
Leaving with mercy one border. 60

Winter quarter stood alone chill
Silver sparkled in morning dew,
Time of year brought wild to standstill
Winter the end but itself new.
Crystal crafted to crisp fresh theme, 65
Withered the leaves scattered below
Roof of branches splitting light’s beam,
That rustle as gentle breeze blows.

But lo, such is the way of Man
Who delves deep for material, 70
Greed presses to take all he can
From earth’s creation bountiful.
Through peaceful forest did he plough
And needed segment to the last,
Cut and thrust he through bark and bough 75
Into mighty pile trees were cast.

But came they to one tree old
That outstood them sturdy and bold.

So proud it was, mercy had Man
Enough o let it stand its ground, 80
So carried on nature to ban
From grey town, so cut he around.
Its own borders did have this tree,
Enclosed for public eye to see.
Solitary in town stood it free, 85
Alone of nature’s company.

Spring came with its flowers yellow,
Which blossomed round the tree mellow.
The lark chirped over soil below
And the town left the tree alone. 90

Summer bloomed as did flowers gold,
Warm was its bark, gone was the cold.
Colour in leaves now did unfold,
Man at his business, time moved on.

Autumn came with refreshing breeze 95
Brown and bronze blending autumn ease
Swallows perched preparing to leave.
Man believed the tree was ageing

And in swept winter with cold cry,
The public watched the old tree die. 100

Pitiful was it for the tree
To die in such a way as this
So they felled it to stern stone ground
And burned it and nature away.

[barrie]

Just to remind you of the forum rules. For each poem that you post, you are expected to comment on at least two other pieces of work. The more you put in, the more you're likely to get out.

You'll find the rules posted at the top of the beginners forum.

cheers

Barrie

[Skarp Hedin]

Sorry, will bare that in mind in the future!

Hedin

[Jester]

Hi again. One of the rules of the site is that you criticize 2 poems of other peoples hand for every poem you post. That way everyone gets feedback on their work.
I'm afraid to say that I'm still finding that reading your poem is "hard going". I'm struggling to get any flow to it because parts of it seem forced to rhyme (by alternating between modern language and that "of Olde"). You obviously have descriptive ability and I must urge you to try some descriptive free verse poems.....I'm starting to sound like a cracked record on here! It's just that I was into making poems rhyme and, because of the advice of others on here, I had a go at free verse. All I can say is "it's fanbloodytastic" once you let your head free of all those usual restrictions of rhyme.
Ah well....afraid that's my two-penn'th.
Have fun.
Mick

[Skarp Hedin]

I would just like to ask, though I much appreciate the advice, how and where there are hints of older writing in the shorter poem....?

Hedin

[calxaed]

Poetry that rhymes throughout is extraordinarily difficult to get sounding natural, especially if you try to stick to an octosyllabic line as well. Unless you are an extremely talented poet, more often than not the content of your work ends up serving the needs of the structure, rather than the other way round. For example:

With axes strong and sharp he hewed
Himself enough space for to build
A citadel in no way crude

'A citidel in no way crude' while being grammatically correct is quite awkward, and the rhyme is quite predictable. Your rigorous adherence to the syllable count forces you to say 'for to build', the 'for' is redundant and gives the line an artificial, Victorianish feeling.

'With pebble paths of silken sand'

Are the paths mades of pebble or sand.

'But space was needed to construct
Important buildings for business
Necessity called to destruct
The spring part of wood picturesque. '

'Necessity called to destruct' is grammatically incorrect, the infinitive is to destroy, but your chosen form forces you to twist the grammer to adhere to your scheme, which spoils the reading, and makes it hard to follow. The point of well done rhymes is to add music to the words, and every time something like these examples crops up, its like playing a bum note.
You obviously have talent in constructing lines and a great imagination, if you used free verse you could rhyme when it suited you, and employ the rhythm that suited you when it was appropriate. Read some of the stuff posted here to get some idea('I'm sorry' by that girl is very good.)

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

This is a really ambitious epic poem. The subject matter is important. Remember Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi". Unfortunately this poem took me back to all that I found difficult about poetry at school. I found myself trying to decide what language I should be using to decipher it. The previous reviewers have pointed out what it was that bothered me about it. I wanted to follow your story line/argument but found the awkward inconsistencies stopping me from reading on.

Some humble suggestions:

Try something much shorter and really work on it. (You have some very original descriptive powers)

Don't stick the numbers on the end of lines - they kept getting mixed up in my reading of the verses. ("Himself enough space for to build 10") Call me dumb but I was wondering if he was building ten citadels.

I'm wondering if you can't somehow condense all those seasons somehow. I was starting to feel old by the end.

Cheers
Dave

[Skarp Hedin]

Dave,

No disrespect but the numbers at the end of the lines are for ease with quoting, thus any numbers would be written as (e.g.) "ten" rather than "10".

Anyway, thanks for the criticism, if you think that is long though I have just completed an allegorical epic lay on troubles in N. Ireland of 568 lines long. Chaucer, Dante etc used longer forms of poetry to tell their tales and likewise I have in my lay. As regards this poem, it is indeed a feeble attempt to write a short poem as I cannot restrain myself to writing shorter than 100 lines.

Pleased to hear it is along the lines of school studying even if it wasn't your favourite!

Thanks anyway
Hedin

[kozmikdave]

Sorry mate

I knew what the line numbers meant but perhaps being tired at the time, I found them a distraction. I'm pretty new to poetry appreciation or writing - probably killed for me by school teachers (I is one now!) who thought slugging us over the head with epic poetry would give us a deep and fundamental understanding of the finer things in life. I'm here despite all that. Got here through Bob Dylan & Neil Young, probably.

Thanks for posting mate. Even if I cannot fathom your depths, I'll be floating around in the shallows somewhere cheering you on.

Cheers
Dave
[/quote]

[Skarp Hedin]

Haha,

It is good to hear an optomistic comment from somebody in the forums for once. I have been getting a few negative comments on the stuff I'm doing because it's really specific and I'm really quite obsessed with the medieval lit. side of english. Anyway, post some of your own stuff if you've written some and I'll have alook if you want. It's good to find somebody who you can stick with, sort of like a critic for yourself. Ta for the comments and encouragement!

Hedin

[calxaed]

The crits that have been made about your poem are intended as contructive , I'm sorry if you found them negative and unhelpful. Maybe you could point out which criticisms I made were inaccurate. If you post 'medieval' poetry in a forum subtitled 'Contemporary poetry forum' it's not unreasonable to expect advice of the sort you got.

[David]

Hedin (not Skarp?),

I'd be interested to learn what medieval models you're basing this on. It actually reads more like something from the 18th century to me.

Does that make any sense at all?

David

[Skarp Hedin]

Yes this poem is based on the fall of nature over time, right up into the future when it will eventually all be gone. It is the other poem and novel I'm writing that is medieval.

[Skarp Hedin]

Calxaed,

This poem is entered as a contemporary poem, not medieval.

Hedin