Eternal Peacock (revision 3)

[capricorn]

Revision 3

Eternal Peacock

you slump against my ageing
kitchen tiles, cobalt plumes
lacklustre, feet swollen
from oversoaking, scars
from every cut clear to see.
I wait for the timer to ping.

In your prime Mam sang Calan Lan,
as we prepared our Sunday tea,
chopping, slicing, spreading
on your cream underbelly
to fill the salad bowl with veg
that Dad had grown. Rashers
of ham, sharpened with her apple
chutney and salty butter
on bloomer slices.
‘I don’t ask for a luxurious life
… I ask for a happy heart’

My children will find you,
in an attic trunk, alongside
Grandad’s flat cap,
a bucketful of their painted
pebbles and a feather
from my first love.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Revision 2

Eternal Peacock

you slump against my ageing
kitchen tiles, cobalt plumes
now scratched and lacklustre,
feet swollen from oversoaking.
When the timer pings.
your retirement will begin.

In your prime, Mam’s salad bowl
was piled with lettuce, topped
with thinly chopped tomato,
and Dad’s home grown spring onions.
Ham rashers were enhanced
with the tang of Mam’s apple chutney
and completed with slices
of fresh bloomer and salty butter.

She sang Calan Lan as we
prepared our Sunday tea,
chopping, slicing, spreading,
on your cream underbelly.

My children will find you,
in an attic trunk, alongside
Dad’s flat cap, a bucketful
of their painted pebbles
and a feathered brooch
from my first love.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This revision was written before I read the latest critiques. I will be considering their thoughts next. Thanks

Eternal Peacock (revision 1)

Once vivid cobalt, its plumes
now lacklustre and scratched,
feet swollen from oversoaking
in sudsy water.

In her cluttered kitchen
Mam chopped kaleidoscopes
of veg on its cream underbelly.
York ham and salad for Sunday tea,
sliced white bread, lavished
with salty Welsh butter.

The peacock slumps
against my ageing kitchen tiles
soon replaced by a new pine pig
reclining in the second drawer down
while I wait for the timer to ping.

Mam’s board will retire
to an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s
flat cap, my children’s
painted pebbles and love letters
from my first love.

----------------------------------------------------
Eternal Peacock (original)

Once vivid cobalt, it slumps
against my kitchen tiles,
plumes lacklustre and scratched,
feet swollen from oversoaking
in sudsy water.

She chopped a kaleidoscope
of vegetables on the bird’s
cream underbelly;
York ham and salad for Sunday tea,
sliced white bread, spread
with salty Welsh butter.

Her board now rests
on my aging counter top
waiting for the timer to ping,
when my renovations will begin.

A new pine pig reclines
in the second drawer down, soon
to unite with me
in culinary delights.

Mam’s peacock will retire
to an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s
flat cap, my children’s
painted pebbles and letters
from my first love.

[CalebPerry]

Before I comment, I just need a little clarification.

Your mother had a cutting board with a peacock on it? I'm asking because I've never seen anything like that. All the cutting boards I have seen are either wood or plain plastic. I can't tell from your poem what kind of material your mother's cutting board was -- it sounds like it might have been plastic, which would be unusual for an old cutting board. A painted wood cutting board would also be unusual because the paint would come off on the food. If you would just clarify that, I'll have some comments on the poem.

By the way, wood cutting boards are safer to use than plastic cutting boards. I'll explain why if anyone is interested.

[churinga]

Hi Eira

I can't find anything to crit here, it is detailed but so are kitchens!!
Perhaps 'Eternal' and also 'slumped' are exaggerations but they fit with a conversational style
where we understand that exaggerations are not meant to be taken literally.
i liked it, from peacock to pig, is there something symbolic there?

cheers

Ross

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Eira,
lots to like here.


Eternal Peacock

Once vivid cobalt, it slumps
- think you could replace 'it' with a comma
(slumped), so that L1 runs on from the title?
against my kitchen tiles,
plumes lacklustre and scratched,
- maybe
lacklustre plumes, scratched, ?
(Though 'lacklustre' seems very close
to 'once vivid')
feet swollen from oversoaking
in sudsy water.
- do you need this? Isn't it implied?

She chopped a kaleidoscope
- not keen on the switch from 'my' to
'she'. Could you go for
Mam had chopped kaleidoscopes ?
of vegetables on the bird’s
- don't know your mother, but could
she have said 'veg' ?
cream underbelly; York ham
- Changed enjambment. Would,
on that old bird's belly work?
and salad for Sunday tea,
sliced white bread, spread
with salty Welsh butter.
- don't think you need 'spread with'
(it's implied, but if you do, then
perhaps find a more interesting phrase).

Her board now rests
- Think you might return to 'peacock'
rather than board.
on my aging counter top
- aging, American spelling?
waiting for the timer to ping,
- Time's up/bell tolls? Not sure about
the board waiting.
when my renovations will begin.

A new pine pig reclines
- googled this, I say leave it in the drawer
in the second drawer down, soon
to unite with me
- 'unite' seems out of place, to me.
Needs something 'piggy'.
in culinary delights.

Mam’s peacock will retire
- 'board' rather than 'peacock'?
to an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s
flat cap, my children’s
painted pebbles and letters
from my first love.
- like the ending, but not entirely sure
how you got there. (The 'first love'
feels ever so slightly contrived.)


Regards, Not.

.

[lotus]

and letters
from my first love.

dear Eira

this line brought me to think of
the peacock being the National Bird of India

silent lotus

[bjondon]

Hi Eira - a lovely ode, and not much workshopping either.
Enjoyed the discombobulation of S1 - is it a feather? …not if
it's 'scratched' - 'feet swollen'… a person? … ah, a chopping board!
The things we handle every day, often the corniest designs (I'm
thinking imprinted 'melamine', 60's?) - how they creep into
our hearts, especially if inherited.

The word 'spread' speaks of generosity, affection expressed through food and feasts.

The symbolism of S3 is nicely pitched.

My only niggle is 'unite with' - 'join me and my culinary delights'?

And maybe add 'My' to the title - it puts invisible quotation marks
around 'Eternal Peacock' (which is otherwise rather mysterious)
and maybe helps connect with that little swerve at the end leading
us to another love.

Your characteristic bouncy sonics give this its distinctive, mischievous feel.

Best,
Jules

[Pinky]

Hello fellow Cappy,

The change from vivid to tile slump got my interest. Then I experienced some confusion about the peacock/cutting board fusion, caused likely by the combo of the domestic and the exotic subjects and touches.

Playing with the domestic and exotic is wonderful, but the resolution here seems lacking. For example "eternal peacock" is dethroned by mere "sudsy water" and time, so the attempt to pack it away with your first love's letters as a (half/hollow/full?) tribute seems flat.

Suggestion: a small adjustment that allows peacock to maintain some manner of throne, despite its demotion and loss of beauty. Maybe instead of sudsy water, suggest water's work over time via the fullness of domesticity.

Hope the comments prove useful. Thank you reminding me of lovely peacocks, withered and not

Pinky

[capricorn]

Before I comment, I just need a little clarification.

Your mother had a cutting board with a peacock on it? I'm asking because I've never seen anything like that. All the cutting boards I have seen are either wood or plain plastic. I can't tell from your poem what kind of material your mother's cutting board was -- it sounds like it might have been plastic, which would be unusual for an old cutting board. A painted wood cutting board would also be unusual because the paint would come off on the food. If you would just clarify that, I'll have some comments on the poem.

By the way, wood cutting boards are safer to use than plastic cutting boards. I'll explain why if anyone is interested.

Hi Perry, it was an unusual board made of melamine, not plastic - they usually had pretty patterns/pictures. I had a floral one, but my mother's was extra large and very beautiful. The printing did not come off.

I would be interested in your comments Perry, although I've written one revision, I'm still open to your thoughts.

I am interested why wood is safer than plastic as I'm not sure. I heard that glass ones are better than wood as they don't harbour bacteria in any cuts left behind.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Eira

[capricorn]

Hi Eira

I can't find anything to crit here, it is detailed but so are kitchens!!
Perhaps 'Eternal' and also 'slumped' are exaggerations but they fit with a conversational style
where we understand that exaggerations are not meant to be taken literally.
i liked it, from peacock to pig, is there something symbolic there?

cheers

Ross

Thanks for your thoughts on this, Ross. I'm pleased you like it. I have posted a revision. Nothing symbolic btw

Eira

[capricorn]

.
Hi Eira,
lots to like here.
Thanks Not

Eternal Peacock

Once vivid cobalt, it slumps
- think you could replace 'it' with a comma
(slumped), so that L1 runs on from the title?
against my kitchen tiles,
plumes lacklustre and scratched,
- maybe
lacklustre plumes, scratched, ?
(Though 'lacklustre' seems very close
to 'once vivid')
feet swollen from oversoaking
in sudsy water.
- do you need this? Isn't it implied?

She chopped a kaleidoscope
- not keen on the switch from 'my' to
'she'. Could you go for
Mam had chopped kaleidoscopes ?
of vegetables on the bird’s
- don't know your mother, but could
she have said 'veg' ?
cream underbelly; York ham
- Changed enjambment. Would,
on that old bird's belly work?
and salad for Sunday tea,
sliced white bread, spread
with salty Welsh butter.
- don't think you need 'spread with'
(it's implied, but if you do, then
perhaps find a more interesting phrase).

I have revised this stanza taking in your thoughts here

Her board now rests
- Think you might return to 'peacock'
rather than board.
on my aging counter top
- aging, American spelling?
waiting for the timer to ping,
- Time's up/bell tolls? Not sure about
the board waiting.
when my renovations will begin.

A new pine pig reclines
- googled this, I say leave it in the drawer You actually googled it?
in the second drawer down, soon
to unite with me
- 'unite' seems out of place, to me.
Needs something 'piggy'.
in culinary delights.

Unites is now gone

Mam’s peacock will retire
- 'board' rather than 'peacock'?
to an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s
flat cap, my children’s
painted pebbles and letters
from my first love.
- like the ending, but not entirely sure
how you got there. (The 'first love'
feels ever so slightly contrived.)

I do have boxes up the attic with reminiscent items - many more than mentioned here

Thanks for your input

Eira
Regards, Not.

.

[capricorn]

and letters
from my first love.

dear Eira

this line brought me to think of
the peacock being the National Bird of India

silent lotus

Thanks for sharing this, Lotus, I wasn't aware that the peacock was India's National Bird. It is a beautiful and inspiring bird.

Eira

[capricorn]

Hi Eira - a lovely ode, and not much workshopping either.
Enjoyed the discombobulation of S1 - is it a feather? …not if
it's 'scratched' - 'feet swollen'… a person? … ah, a chopping board!
The things we handle every day, often the corniest designs (I'm
thinking imprinted 'melamine', 60's?) - how they creep into
our hearts, especially if inherited.

The word 'spread' speaks of generosity, affection expressed through food and feasts.

The symbolism of S3 is nicely pitched.

My only niggle is 'unite with' - 'join me and my culinary delights'?

And maybe add 'My' to the title - it puts invisible quotation marks
around 'Eternal Peacock' (which is otherwise rather mysterious)
and maybe helps connect with that little swerve at the end leading
us to another love.

Your characteristic bouncy sonics give this its distinctive, mischievous feel.

Best,
Jules

Hi Jules,

You have this so right - a melamine board (how I loved them!) bright and beautiful.

Thank you for your thoughts on this. In my revision the unite theme is gone.

I also lik the idea of including 'My' in the title.

I hope the revision still works for you.


Eira

[capricorn]

Hello fellow Cappy,

The change from vivid to tile slump got my interest. Then I experienced some confusion about the peacock/cutting board fusion, caused likely by the combo of the domestic and the exotic subjects and touches.

Playing with the domestic and exotic is wonderful, but the resolution here seems lacking. For example "eternal peacock" is dethroned by mere "sudsy water" and time, so the attempt to pack it away with your first love's letters as a (half/hollow/full?) tribute seems flat.

Suggestion: a small adjustment that allows peacock to maintain some manner of throne, despite its demotion and loss of beauty. Maybe instead of sudsy water, suggest water's work over time via the fullness of domesticity.

Hope the comments prove useful. Thank you reminding me of lovely peacocks, withered and not

Pinky

Hi fellow Cappy - nice to meet you!


I wrote a revision before I read your comments, so I am considering them now. Yes peacocks are lovely birds.


I look forward to reading your work, Pinky.

Eira

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Eira,
reading you revised Peacock, it occurred that you might consider
addressing the poem to the bird, as in:

Eternal Peacock

your once vivid cobalt plumes
now lacklustre and scratched,
feet swollen from oversoaking[,]
slumped against my ageing kitchen
tiles soon [to be] replaced. [The] new pine
pig reclin[es] in the second drawer down
[as] I wait for the timer to ping.

Mam chopped kaleidoscopes
of veg on your cream underbelly.
[a cottage heavy industry]
York ham and salad for Sunday
tea, sliced white bread, lavished
with [that] salty Welsh butter.

[My daughter will find you
in] an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s flat cap,
[a shore of/a bucketful of] painted pebbles
and [treasures] from my first love.

(Don't think 'cluttered kitchen' is a helpful addition.)

There's a duplication of thought with 'soon replaced'
and 'retire to'.

I think the 'first love' should, somehow, have something
peacock-ish about it.

Regards, Not.


.

[JJWilliamson]

Lovely poem, Eira, and I like your revision very much.

My brother's father-in-law used to be the head game keeper on some big estate in Northumberland, the Dukes, I think (not sure). Anyway, he used to send my parents a brace of pheasants, quite regularly, for a family treat. I spent many an hour as a pheasant plucker *grin* and after jointing the partially roasted birds I'd finish them off in a red wine sauce. DELICIOUS!

So! My mind was full of real slumping peacocks when I read your opening lines. I winced at the idea of roasting peacocks and wondered why I didn't feel the same for the beautiful pheasants. Just saying. Then the chopping board came to my rescue.

This revision was written before I read the latest critiques. I will be considering their thoughts next. Thanks

Eternal Peacock (revision 1)

Once vivid cobalt, its plumes
now lacklustre and scratched,
feet swollen from oversoaking
in sudsy water. ...I tend to agree with the other commentators about this line. It weakens the opening, probably because 'sudsy' is a bit mundane.

In her cluttered kitchen
Mam chopped kaleidoscopes
of veg on its cream underbelly.
York ham and salad for Sunday tea,
sliced white bread, lavished ...'lavished' is too Enid Blyton for me. Used to love her picnic details.
with salty Welsh butter.

The peacock slumps ...Is slumps the right word? It reminds me of a dead bird.
against my ageing kitchen tiles
soon replaced by a new pine pig
reclining in the second drawer down ...Do you need this line?
while I wait for the timer to ping.

Mam’s board will retire
to an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s
flat cap, my children’s
painted pebbles and love letters
from my first love. ...What a beautiful close, all of it. Really quite touching.

Much enjoyed

Best

JJ

PS

I like Not's idea of addressing the bird directly.

J

----------------------------------------------------
Eternal Peacock (original)

Once vivid cobalt, it slumps
against my kitchen tiles,
plumes lacklustre and scratched,
feet swollen from oversoaking
in sudsy water.

She chopped a kaleidoscope
of vegetables on the bird’s
cream underbelly;
York ham and salad for Sunday tea,
sliced white bread, spread
with salty Welsh butter.

Her board now rests
on my aging counter top
waiting for the timer to ping,
when my renovations will begin.

A new pine pig reclines
in the second drawer down, soon
to unite with me
in culinary delights.

Mam’s peacock will retire
to an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s
flat cap, my children’s
painted pebbles and letters
from my first love.

[Macavity]

Once vivid cobalt, it slumps
against my kitchen tiles,
plumes lacklustre and scratched,
feet swollen from oversoaking
in sudsy water.

I think the verb slumps gives more dynamic to the opening, the revision is more descriptive and less active.

In her cluttered kitchen...........................does the reader need to know? a show/tell option if so
Mam chopped a kaleidoscope...................drop the 's' for sonics?
of veg on its cream underbelly.
York ham and salad for Sunday tea,
sliced white bread, lavished....................I think you should keep the 'colour' and 'life' of this verb
with salty Welsh butter.

reclining in the second drawer down

A pedestrain line

Mam’s board will retire
to an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s
flat cap, my children’s
painted pebbles and love letters.........isn't this implied by end line?
from my first love.

I feel the write is battling between knowledge detail - York/Welsh being an example - and emotion. To use your word - a less cluttered poem would be more poignant.

hope that helps some Eira

best

mac

[capricorn]

.

Hi Not, there is a lot to consider here
Hi Eira,
reading you revised Peacock, it occurred that you might consider
addressing the poem to the bird, as in:

Eternal Peacock

your once vivid cobalt plumes
now lacklustre and scratched,
feet swollen from oversoaking[,]
slumped against my ageing kitchen
tiles soon [to be] replaced. [The] new pine
pig reclin[es] in the second drawer down
[as] I wait for the timer to ping.

Yes, I quite like the idea of addressing the poem to the bird. I see you have also combined stanzas 1 & 3 which I was also considering.

Mam chopped kaleidoscopes
of veg on your cream underbelly.
[a cottage heavy industry]
York ham and salad for Sunday
tea, sliced white bread, lavished
with [that] salty Welsh butter.

I am wondering if kaleidoscopes is the right word here?
I think instead of saying ' a cottage heavy industry' I might add something a bit more personal.

[My daughter will find you
in] an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s flat cap,
[a shore of/a bucketful of] painted pebbles
and [treasures] from my first love.

I like the idea of someone finding the board up the attic. In reality it would be my son who would remember the peacock board.
(Don't think 'cluttered kitchen' is a helpful addition.)

I agree

There's a duplication of thought with 'soon replaced'
and 'retire to'.

I think the 'first love' should, somehow, have something
peacock-ish about it.

Can't think of anything at the moment
Regards, Not.




Thanks Not
.

[capricorn]

Lovely poem, Eira, and I like your revision very much.

Thanks JJ

My brother's father-in-law used to be the head game keeper on some big estate in Northumberland, the Dukes, I think (not sure). Anyway, he used to send my parents a brace of pheasants, quite regularly, for a family treat. I spent many an hour as a pheasant plucker *grin* and after jointing the partially roasted birds I'd finish them off in a red wine sauce. DELICIOUS!

Mmmm… sounds lovely!

So! My mind was full of real slumping peacocks when I read your opening lines. I winced at the idea of roasting peacocks and wondered why I didn't feel the same for the beautiful pheasants. Just saying. Then the chopping board came to my rescue.

Yes, it's funny how we can't think of eating things we're not used to. I remember when my son had a guinea pig and we heard that they eat them in Mexico and saw them cooking them on skewers. We were horrified!
Anyway, I'm glad the chopping board came to your rescue.

This revision was written before I read the latest critiques. I will be considering their thoughts next. Thanks

Eternal Peacock (revision 1)

Once vivid cobalt, its plumes
now lacklustre and scratched,
feet swollen from oversoaking
in sudsy water. ...I tend to agree with the other commentators about this line. It weakens the opening, probably because 'sudsy' is a bit mundane.

Yes, that line will go in next revision

In her cluttered kitchen
Mam chopped kaleidoscopes
of veg on its cream underbelly.
York ham and salad for Sunday tea,
sliced white bread, lavished ...'lavished' is too Enid Blyton for me. Used to love her picnic details.
I'll think on that one JJ
with salty Welsh butter.

The peacock slumps ...Is slumps the right word? It reminds me of a dead bird.
against my ageing kitchen tiles
soon replaced by a new pine pig
reclining in the second drawer down ...Do you need this line?
while I wait for the timer to ping.

Lots to consider here JJ
Mam’s board will retire
to an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s
flat cap, my children’s
painted pebbles and love letters
from my first love. ...What a beautiful close, all of it. Really quite touching.

Much enjoyed

thanks JJ - so good to hear from you.

Best

JJ

PS

I like Not's idea of addressing the bird directly.

Me too, JJ - I'll go with that in next revision

J

----------------------------------------------------
Eternal Peacock (original)

Once vivid cobalt, it slumps
against my kitchen tiles,
plumes lacklustre and scratched,
feet swollen from oversoaking
in sudsy water.

She chopped a kaleidoscope
of vegetables on the bird’s
cream underbelly;
York ham and salad for Sunday tea,
sliced white bread, spread
with salty Welsh butter.

Her board now rests
on my aging counter top
waiting for the timer to ping,
when my renovations will begin.

A new pine pig reclines
in the second drawer down, soon
to unite with me
in culinary delights.

Mam’s peacock will retire
to an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s
flat cap, my children’s
painted pebbles and letters
from my first love.

[capricorn]

Once vivid cobalt, it slumps
against my kitchen tiles,
plumes lacklustre and scratched,
feet swollen from oversoaking
in sudsy water.

I think the verb slumps gives more dynamic to the opening, the revision is more descriptive and less active.

Yes, I do like slumps

In her cluttered kitchen...........................does the reader need to know? a show/tell option if so
Mam chopped a kaleidoscope...................drop the 's' for sonics?
of veg on its cream underbelly.
York ham and salad for Sunday tea,
sliced white bread, lavished....................I think you should keep the 'colour' and 'life' of this verb
with salty Welsh butter.

I agree -cluttered kitchen will go in next revision

Lavish really describes best my meaning

reclining in the second drawer down

A pedestrain line ?? wondering what you mean by this - is that good or bad?

Mam’s board will retire
to an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s
flat cap, my children’s
painted pebbles and love letters.........isn't this implied by end line?
from my first love.

True I thought I'd deleted the first 'love'

I feel the write is battling between knowledge detail - York/Welsh being an example - and emotion. To use your word - a less cluttered poem would be more poignant.

hope that helps some Eira

Yes, you have been a help, Mac. Thanks for your help

Eira
best

mac

[Macavity]

A pedestrain line ?? wondering what you mean by this - is that good or bad?

bad!

[NotQuiteSure]

I am wondering if kaleidoscopes is the right word here?
I think instead of saying ' a cottage heavy industry' I might add something a bit more personal.

As well you should Could whatever you choose be used to help with 'kaleidoscopes' ?
(Though, I don't have a problem with the word, reminds me on having one as a child and I can see how
the geometric patterns would fit with chopped veg.).

Regards, Not.


.

[capricorn]

As well you should Could whatever you choose be used to help with 'kaleidoscopes' ?
(Though, I don't have a problem with the word, reminds me on having one as a child and I can see how
the geometric patterns would fit with chopped veg.).

Regards, Not.

.

Kaleidoscope has gone, Not and so has the pine pig. I have rewritten addressing the peacock as you suggested.

Eira

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Eira,
better start, better end,
but the middle's a bit 'flabby'
(for want of a technical term).
You could take another look at
the enjambments throughout (e.g.
you slump against my ageing kitchen tiles,
cobalt plumes [droop] scratched and lacklustre...)


Eternal Peacock

you slump against my ageing
kitchen tiles, cobalt plumes
scratched and lacklustre,
swollen feet from oversoaking.
[? The scars from every cut
are clear to see]
- think you could cut 'now' as you've
'in your prime' in the next verse. The
retirement line is implied by the context
so I don't think you need it.

In your prime, Mam’s salad bowl
was piled with lettuce, topped
with thinly chopped tomato,
and Dad’s home grown spring onions.
Ham rashers were enhanced
with the tang of Mam’s apple chutney
and completed with slices
of fresh bloomer and salty butter.
- this is a bit over-done form me.
Repetition of 'mam' - 'topped',
'enhanced' and 'completed' seem
unnecessary/out of place.

She sang Calan Lan as we
prepared our Sunday tea,
chopping, slicing, spreading,
on your cream underbelly.
- like the idea of this, but
you've chopped, sliced and
spread in s2. (I miss the
kaleidoscope)

My children will find you,
in an attic trunk, alongside
Dad’s flat cap, a bucketful
of their painted pebbles
and a feathered brooch
from my first love.
- Knew you could do it!
(Would you consider
cutting 'brooch'? Gives
you a little ambiguity that
might work well.)
Do you need the comma
after 'you'?
Perhaps switch the order:
My children will find you in an attic
trunk: somewhere beside a bucketful
of painted pebbles, Dad's flat cap
and a feather from my first love
(In the context, would it be Grandad's
flat cap, if its the children that are
finding it?)

A little food for though for s2/3

In your prime Mam sang Calan Lan,
as we prepared our Sunday tea,
topping, tailing, chopping
kaleidoscopes of veg
on your cream underbelly
to fill the salad bowl. All things
that Dad had grown. And rashers
of ham, sharpened with her apple
chutney. [Could you end this with
some reference to the lyrics of
Calan Lan - 'gold and pearls', or
'easy life' ?]

Regards, Not.


ps. I know it's the right decision, but,
after all the lengths I went to googling
it (a full two seconds, mind) I find I
miss the pine pig. Might he/she not
get their own ode at some future date?


.

[capricorn]

.

You always give me lots to think on, Not

Hi Eira,
better start, better end,
but the middle's a bit 'flabby'
(for want of a technical term).
You could take another look at
the enjambments throughout (e.g.
you slump against my ageing kitchen tiles,
cobalt plumes [droop] scratched and lacklustre...)

I have to agree - the middle has become overloaded

Eternal Peacock

you slump against my ageing
kitchen tiles, cobalt plumes
scratched and lacklustre,
swollen feet from oversoaking.
[? The scars from every cut
are clear to see]
- think you could cut 'now' as you've
'in your prime' in the next verse. The
retirement line is implied by the context
so I don't think you need it.

I like 'scars from every cut are clear to see' but have deleted 'scratched' as it's too close

In your prime, Mam’s salad bowl
was piled with lettuce, topped
with thinly chopped tomato,
and Dad’s home grown spring onions.
Ham rashers were enhanced
with the tang of Mam’s apple chutney
and completed with slices
of fresh bloomer and salty butter.
- this is a bit over-done form me.
Repetition of 'mam' - 'topped',
'enhanced' and 'completed' seem
unnecessary/out of place.

She sang Calan Lan as we
prepared our Sunday tea,
chopping, slicing, spreading,
on your cream underbelly.
- like the idea of this, but
you've chopped, sliced and
spread in s2. (I miss the
kaleidoscope)

I've considered bringing kaleidoscope back, but my revision is more concise without it

My children will find you,
in an attic trunk, alongside
Dad’s flat cap, a bucketful
of their painted pebbles
and a feathered brooch
from my first love.
- Knew you could do it!
(Would you consider
cutting 'brooch'? Gives
you a little ambiguity that
might work well.)

I have tried 'feather' in my revision to see how it sits. I think it will work

Do you need the comma
after 'you'?
Perhaps switch the order:
My children will find you in an attic
trunk: somewhere beside a bucketful
of painted pebbles, Dad's flat cap
and a feather from my first love
(In the context, would it be Grandad's
flat cap, if its the children that are
finding it?)

Yes it would be Grandads

A little food for though for s2/3

We are on the same wavelength here, Not, as I had decided on my next revision, to combine st 2&3 and start with St2 - makes sense, but I was glad of your suggestions

In your prime Mam sang Calan Lan,
as we prepared our Sunday tea,
topping, tailing, chopping
kaleidoscopes of veg
on your cream underbelly
to fill the salad bowl. All things
that Dad had grown. And rashers
of ham, sharpened with her apple
chutney. [Could you end this with
some reference to the lyrics of
Calan Lan - 'gold and pearls', or
'easy life' ?]

I have taken this suggestion up - not sure if it works

Regards, Not.


ps. I know it's the right decision, but,
after all the lengths I went to googling
it (a full two seconds, mind) I find I
miss the pine pig. Might he/she not
get their own ode at some future date?

Haha! I daresay i might - poor thing is still stuck in the second drawer down as I use a glass one at the moment.

Eira

.