A dream?

[minim]

I dreamed of him again last night.

His breath on my face

His lips on mine

His hands and body close.

He exists, he is real

But only in my dreams.

He dreamed too,

of me.

[Jester]

Nice way of putting "Life is but a dream", Minim. You seem to be able to get words to flow well. It'd be nice to see some descriptive poems in view of your ability.

Cheers.

Mick.

[minim]

Thanks for the positive feedback Mick, I am a bit new to all this so was a bit nervous about my first posting of a poem.

xxx C

[barrie]

One line that needs to be changed - 'His lips on mine', it's been used countless times before. When you've written a poem and you're proof reading it, as well as correcting spelling etc, just go through each phrase and ask yourself if it's really original, if you've heard it before somewhere. If you have, scrap it and think up an original way to say it. It's so easy to use cliches, something everyones guilty of.

'He dreamed too,
of me.'

- Was he in your dream, or were you in his? Did Chuang-Tzu dream he was a butterfly or did the butterfly dream he was Chuang-Tzu?

Nice first post

cheers

Barrie

[minim]

Hello Barrie, thanks for the feedback. How about if I miss out the line altogether? It is a bit of a cliche, and it isn't really necessary to the point of the poem.

Thank you xxxx C

[calxaed]

Hi Minim,
Good first post. You convey your meaning well in few words, which I like. Especially like the paradoxical ending. I agree with the others about 'His lips on mine'. I'll echo Jester in that you should attempt something more ambitious and descriptive, try to find images and scenarios that embody the emotions you're trying to express.
Keep it up.
Cal

[pseud]

Hello minim-

wanted to say this speaks to your name pretty well - concise and simple but good.

Barrie too made the Chuang-Tze connection, I always crack up when I hear that argument put forth though...something so absurd about the paradox it makes me chuckle.

Your poem did not make me chuckle however, it seemed sadder. Am I reading that right?

- Caleb

[minim]

Hello pseud,

Thank you for the lovely comment.

It is supposed to be sad and wistful, and it is also hopeful in the sense that the person of your dreams might also be dreaming of you.

Err, the butterfly Chuang-Tze connection goes right over my head. Excuse my ignorance, but i had never heard of this, so wasn't sure what was meant. I will google it and read up about it!



xxx C

[raedaljishi@]

i liked the logic of passion

1-His breath on my face

2-His hands and body close

3-He exists, he is real

But only in my dreams



will done

[minim]

Thank you for the posivite comments and feedback everyone. xxxx

[Shepherdess]

HI I liked your poem
simple but full of feeling
thanks for sharing

[Celticwych]

Hi Minim,

What are dreams but thoughts unborn. I really liked your poem. The question mark in the title made it interesting because a dream is only a reality on a different level and I feel that you were hinting at that.

Loves ya,

Celtic Wych