clouds slide the evening sky
like sauce down a bottle
dregs of the long day
the bottle left up-
turned on the table
so slow
you wouldn't know
V3
Clouds slip the evening's high
So slow you wouldn't know
Parakeets streak by
Oi! Oi! is what they say
Balanced by me on its lid
My my my sauce bottle sky
V2
clouds slip the evening sky
so slow you wouldn't know
fast, a silhouette squad of parakeets
head for the canal
ketchup bottle
balanced on its lid
Idyll
clouds slide the evening sky
like sauce down a bottle
dregs of the long day
the bottle left up-
turned on the table
so slow you wouldn't know
unless you were sat there
staring
Kensal Town Evensong V4
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NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3660
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Hi Jules,
like this as a companion piece, though it feels a little thinner than the Aubade.
Again, maybe split into two parts?
Just a thought on the title Harlesden Evensong ?
clouds slip the evening sky
like sauce sliding down a bottle's neck
the long day's dregs.
the bottle left up-
turned on the table
so slow you wouldn't know
unless you were sat there
staring
The second section is the weakest, for me. Perhaps the location of the table needs to be specified,
some detail/colour, or, my preference, cut the first two lines of S2 and reintroduce a bird or two?
Also, doesn't the 'sauce down a bottle' imply slowness?
Regards, Not
.
Hi Jules,
like this as a companion piece, though it feels a little thinner than the Aubade.
Again, maybe split into two parts?
Just a thought on the title Harlesden Evensong ?
clouds slip the evening sky
like sauce sliding down a bottle's neck
the long day's dregs.
the bottle left up-
turned on the table
so slow you wouldn't know
unless you were sat there
staring
The second section is the weakest, for me. Perhaps the location of the table needs to be specified,
some detail/colour, or, my preference, cut the first two lines of S2 and reintroduce a bird or two?
Also, doesn't the 'sauce down a bottle' imply slowness?
Regards, Not
.
Overall I didn't find anything wrong with this poem, by the way I am still a beginner at critiquing poetry so I am be useless to you. But anyway keep writing.
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NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3660
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Hi Jules,
like the revision and the title (you might switch 'Harlesden' to the Aubade, has a nice ring to it),
though I miss 'long day's dregs' (trying to figure out which building looks like a 'ketchup bottle ... ' )
My only real nit is with 'head', just seems a bit flat to me (might they be 'diving' ?)
Just a thought:
clouds slip the evening sky
so slow you wouldn't know
so swift, a silhouette of parakeets
head for the canal
you sit there
staring at the long day's dregs
ketchup bottle
balanced on its lid
Regards, Not.
.
Hi Jules,
like the revision and the title (you might switch 'Harlesden' to the Aubade, has a nice ring to it),
though I miss 'long day's dregs' (trying to figure out which building looks like a 'ketchup bottle ... ' )
My only real nit is with 'head', just seems a bit flat to me (might they be 'diving' ?)
Just a thought:
clouds slip the evening sky
so slow you wouldn't know
so swift, a silhouette of parakeets
head for the canal
you sit there
staring at the long day's dregs
ketchup bottle
balanced on its lid
Regards, Not.
.
I much prefer the original version, it has a sense ennui about it which I find appealing.
Really dislike the revision. The inclusion of the parakeets make it an entirely different poem. Whereas the sauce bottle was the main source of imagery in the original, in the revision it has just become a bizarre afterthought tacked onto the end.
All the best,
barrett
Really dislike the revision. The inclusion of the parakeets make it an entirely different poem. Whereas the sauce bottle was the main source of imagery in the original, in the revision it has just become a bizarre afterthought tacked onto the end.
All the best,
barrett
Thanks Not, Poet and barrett,
… this is why I hurl my first drafts up! …enjoying the
split opinions here.
Not - thanks for 'slip' which is definitely better
than 'slide', and 'Evensong' … though I'm a bit
wary of the C of E
Poet - I'm glad you liked the opening of V2 and
the canal line
barrett - I have put up a V3 which may well succeed in
horrifying both you and Not. Playing with slightness and
verbal impudence there is a real danger of either or
both teetering over into pretentiousness/tweeness.
I do agree that last couplet in V2 was floating too far adrift.
Glad you 'rescued' the first version.
Jules
… this is why I hurl my first drafts up! …enjoying the
split opinions here.
Not - thanks for 'slip' which is definitely better
than 'slide', and 'Evensong' … though I'm a bit
wary of the C of E
Poet - I'm glad you liked the opening of V2 and
the canal line
barrett - I have put up a V3 which may well succeed in
horrifying both you and Not. Playing with slightness and
verbal impudence there is a real danger of either or
both teetering over into pretentiousness/tweeness.
I do agree that last couplet in V2 was floating too far adrift.
Glad you 'rescued' the first version.
Jules
Jules, is the weird supersize text an integral part of the poem? Or can you - or I - bring it down a bit?
Great title. Only the original really works, I think, although I don't like the last two lines (which have gone in your revisions).
Cheers
David
Great title. Only the original really works, I think, although I don't like the last two lines (which have gone in your revisions).
Cheers
David
Good point David. . . V's 2 and 3, failed soufflés,
somehow just not the right ingredients. And the
final two lines of V1 were essentially redundant.
Still debating slip v slide . . . 'slide' is in its way quite
ugly, but that works in its favour here . . . I think.
Jules
somehow just not the right ingredients. And the
final two lines of V1 were essentially redundant.
Still debating slip v slide . . . 'slide' is in its way quite
ugly, but that works in its favour here . . . I think.
Jules
Yes, slide rather than slip, but why is "down" missing from that line? It's a lovely image, though.
I don't know Kensal Town at all - or I don't think I do. I'll look it up.
I know it's very predictable of me - as is being very predictable - but I keep thinking of Waterloo Sunset. I don't mind that at all.
Cheers
David
I don't know Kensal Town at all - or I don't think I do. I'll look it up.
I know it's very predictable of me - as is being very predictable - but I keep thinking of Waterloo Sunset. I don't mind that at all.
Cheers
David
Thanks mac, barrett and David - yes, that slip/slide
choice is a funny one. Glad you pushed me to make it
over the final fence.
Just a single comma here, as in Brent Aubade.
Waterloo - yes those old songs wash through my head too.
Falsely called 'British Miserabalism' - more constrained euphoria
I always think (cf Cure/Smiths).
The lack of 'down' - not keen on the repetition from L2 and
I think the lack somehow adds to its sneery quality.
I have a vague feeling there is a penultimate line missing -
so maybe not finished after all.
Jules
choice is a funny one. Glad you pushed me to make it
over the final fence.
Just a single comma here, as in Brent Aubade.
Waterloo - yes those old songs wash through my head too.
Falsely called 'British Miserabalism' - more constrained euphoria
I always think (cf Cure/Smiths).
The lack of 'down' - not keen on the repetition from L2 and
I think the lack somehow adds to its sneery quality.
I have a vague feeling there is a penultimate line missing -
so maybe not finished after all.
Jules
Yes, well ... sometimes language just doesn't do what you want it to do. It's wilful like that. So who blinks first – you or language? This is the question. I’m not saying it has to be you. But it probably has to be you.
A penultimate line might help, I agree.
Still enjoying the image.
Cheers
David
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JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
It reads like a depressing evensong, Jules, which surely must've been your intent. The extended metaphor
had me reaching for Wiki to see what all the fuss was about. I've seen worse!
Fascinating short piece.
Best
JJ
had me reaching for Wiki to see what all the fuss was about. I've seen worse!
Fascinating short piece.
Best
JJ
Long time a child and still a child
Thanks JJ - Like you I am intrigued by the strange gravitational
forces of the short form. This one actually started out as quite an
optimistic piece, but sauce will have its way.
David - I'm reasonably ok with this as it stands. Just dropping the comma,
and breaking the last line seemed to give it that extra sway.
Regards,
Jules
forces of the short form. This one actually started out as quite an
optimistic piece, but sauce will have its way.
David - I'm reasonably ok with this as it stands. Just dropping the comma,
and breaking the last line seemed to give it that extra sway.
Regards,
Jules
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NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3660
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Hi Jules,
a little bit of tinkering.
Wondered if you could get away
with cutting 'bottle left'.
clouds slide
the evening sky
like sauce
down a bottle
dregs
of the long day
up-turned
on the table so
slow
you wouldn't know
alt:
down a bottle-
neck dregs
of the long day
Regards, Not.
.
Hi Jules,
a little bit of tinkering.
Wondered if you could get away
with cutting 'bottle left'.
clouds slide
the evening sky
like sauce
down a bottle
dregs
of the long day
up-turned
on the table so
slow
you wouldn't know
alt:
down a bottle-
neck dregs
of the long day
Regards, Not.
.