the epitaph

[lotus]

the epitaph-.png (126.88 KiB) Viewed 3466 times

[MilesTugeau]

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[Sid]

Hi Lotus,

I really like your style of poetry it is refreshing and unique.

If I may offer some commentary, I would suggest to revisit the end of the poem.

”In some other country somewhere
It could have been summer
Or New Year’s Eve”

The epitaph is so convoluted that it bores the listener to another place and time. I’m just not sure that the above wording effectively achieves that. It appears to be an abstract statement tacked on to the end of the poem and not a follow on from the words above it.

Thanks for the read as I said I do like the poem.

[Sid]

Hi Lotus,

Me again!

Consider moving “in some other country somewhere” to below “nomads on the perrons”, and shifting the remaining lines down.

Not sure how that impacts on the visual form of the poem, but will make the poem read more smoothly.

[lotus]

.

thankyuuu for stopping by

i saw a small icon for a folder in your response
but was unable to open it

[lotus]

Hi Lotus,

I really like your style of poetry it is refreshing and unique.

If I may offer some commentary, I would suggest to revisit the end of the poem.

”In some other country somewhere
It could have been summer
Or New Year’s Eve”

The epitaph is so convoluted that it bores the listener to another place and time. I’m just not sure that the above wording effectively achieves that. It appears to be an abstract statement tacked on to the end of the poem and not a follow on from the words above it.

Thanks for the read as I said I do like the poem.

dear Sid

thankyuuu for those observations

i'm feeling
that other "somewhere"
perhaps tooo some other state of mind

silent lotus

[Poet]

What does the last lines have anything to do with the rest of the poem? You may need to remove that and add something else with it.

[lotus]

What does the last lines have anything to do with the rest of the poem? You may need to remove that and add something else with it.

dear Poet

for me the last lines
paint a season other than
Summer or Winter

thankyuuu for creating the time to sit and be with my poem
a warm smile
silent lotus

[TrevorConway]

Hi Lotus,

I found more to grapple onto in this poem than the other I commented on. I totally got what you were getting at in relation to the epitaph, and I really like your abstract/opaque still in general, though I wonder if just a slight twist in terms of making the language just a little less obscure would make for a more satisfying read.

Like Poet, I found the last verse apparently unrelated to the rest (or maybe just obscure for me to be able to interpret it as you intended). Since it was the epitaph that so intrigued me, I'd love to see more on that, maybe even making it about the epitaph of one specific person, whose character would come through in the final verse.

All the best, and thanks for sharing.

T

[lotus]

Hi Lotus,

I found more to grapple onto in this poem than the other I commented on. I totally got what you were getting at in relation to the epitaph, and I really like your abstract/opaque still in general, though I wonder if just a slight twist in terms of making the language just a little less obscure would make for a more satisfying read.

Like Poet, I found the last verse apparently unrelated to the rest (or maybe just obscure for me to be able to interpret it as you intended). Since it was the epitaph that so intrigued me, I'd love to see more on that, maybe even making it about the epitaph of one specific person, whose character would come through in the final verse.

All the best, and thanks for sharing.

T

Trevor

is it possible the way the The Epitaph is presented
that it is perhaps the name of a cafe or a bar ?

silent lotus