You break me. Like the promises that have lured me in, for years.
I have followed. Them, like we were on the treasure hunt of the century.
Sweet words buried. Only just outside my reaching, always.
Waiting, longing, hoping. As they, slowly but surely.
All turned sour. Providing their foundation with seeds of doubt.
I see it now. The map, that stays hidden.
In the garden of vows that will never grow.
(p.s. English isn't my first language so spelling mistake feedback is also welcome!
Love, Lil)
Promise
Hi Liliaea,
I like the unconventional way you use full stops - a sort of
reinvention of the line break.
The first three lines work best for me - two beats on the
first mini section/sentence and then a longer rhythmic run on.
L4 - 'slowly but surely' is too much of a cliché for me and
the rhythm feels off. You could make that line:
Waiting, longing, hoping. As they slowly turned sour.
L5 - 'providing' sounds very flat. You could grow your metaphor to:
Seeding their foundation with flowers of doubt
L6 - would make more sense to me if it was:
I see it now. The map no longer hidden.
And I'd stop there. The last line not needed.
The whole, the form and the cadences capture well a feeling
of sorrow and resentment - the bitter truth revealing itself.
Regards,
Jules
I like the unconventional way you use full stops - a sort of
reinvention of the line break.
The first three lines work best for me - two beats on the
first mini section/sentence and then a longer rhythmic run on.
L4 - 'slowly but surely' is too much of a cliché for me and
the rhythm feels off. You could make that line:
Waiting, longing, hoping. As they slowly turned sour.
L5 - 'providing' sounds very flat. You could grow your metaphor to:
Seeding their foundation with flowers of doubt
L6 - would make more sense to me if it was:
I see it now. The map no longer hidden.
And I'd stop there. The last line not needed.
The whole, the form and the cadences capture well a feeling
of sorrow and resentment - the bitter truth revealing itself.
Regards,
Jules
Hi Liliaea,
Just read your poem which is the first I have read on this Forum and the first to give comments on.
I like it a lot
It brings an immediacy of emotion which is great. The first three words knock you into the sadness of one word's failure. In a few lines you fill me with the power of the loss of that promise. I also like the power in its shortness
L3 - I think it should be reach not reaching
L6 - I fully get the word, seeds, garden and lack of growth, but the map word seems not quite right. Perhaps leaving out that line would take away the slight confusion and not reduce anything of the power of the poem and its meaning
Also I am not quite sure what putting the last two lines close together unlike the others has any meaning to me - even if you do keep L6.
Regards
Martin
Just read your poem which is the first I have read on this Forum and the first to give comments on.
I like it a lot
It brings an immediacy of emotion which is great. The first three words knock you into the sadness of one word's failure. In a few lines you fill me with the power of the loss of that promise. I also like the power in its shortness
L3 - I think it should be reach not reaching
L6 - I fully get the word, seeds, garden and lack of growth, but the map word seems not quite right. Perhaps leaving out that line would take away the slight confusion and not reduce anything of the power of the poem and its meaning
Also I am not quite sure what putting the last two lines close together unlike the others has any meaning to me - even if you do keep L6.
Regards
Martin