Careful

[TrevorConway]

Things of life became predators
once our child flexed her feet,
so our eyes became greedy
for information of the ahead,
what might emerge from streets and doorways,
drivers in love with their phones.

Staircases were sharpened teeth,
and dark drops below railings
had a stomach for bones and flesh.
Our own balcony, even, betrayed us
with gaps that seemed too generous,
so we fenced our fears with the sides of cots
strung against it, rigid as ribs.

We knew these things
before they became essential,
but we didn’t foresee
that we’d need to build stronger fences.
These encased our minds
and huddled us both together
to protect us from anger and dissatisfaction,
emotions we could barely fathom.


Title? Any ideas? How does the shift of focus in the last verse work? If it feels unexpected, does that fit with the idea of looking out for the unexpected to protect the child?

[Macavity]

Like it Trevor. The poem delivers. The title seeds the theme for the read. The shift of focus in the final verse threads to the being careful in adult contexts.

More emotive flow with a longer sentence, cut a few 'we', or did you want the shorter sentence restraint?

We knew these things
before they became essential,
but didn’t foresee
the need to build stronger fences,
to encase our minds
and huddle us both together,
protecting us from anger and dissatisfaction,
emotions we could barely fathom.

You may want to revisit the repetitions of became

once our child flexed her feet

Nice use of flexed

best

mac

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Trev,
thumbs up from me as well. Where I think it isn't quite successful are those parts when you explicitly state the fear
(l.5-6, for instance) and the lacklustre opening of 'things' (that's just too inexplicit ) and makes the repetition of
'things' l.14 a bit confusing)

I like how you've animated the fears in S2, wouldn't mind more in that vein. (But what's the difference between
the fear of 'dark drops' and that engendered by 'our own balcony' - they seem the same to me).
The predatory world brought to life is a great idea, think you should elaborate/expand.

I think the title's ok, but, as an alternative, 'Overwhelmed'?


Some pruning suggestions.



Things of life became predators
once our child flexed her feet,
so our eyes became greedy
for information knowledge of the Ahead,
what might emerge
from streets and doorways,
drivers in love with their phones.

Staircases were sharpened teeth,
and dark drops below railings
had a stomach for bones and flesh.
even Our own balcony, betrayed us
with gaps that seemed too generous, encouraging
so we fenced our fears
with the sides of cots
strung against it, rigid as ribs.

We knew these things
before they became essential,
but we didn’t foresee
that we’d need to build stronger fences.
the need for stronger walls
These encased our minds
and huddled us both together
to protect us from anger and dissatisfaction,
emotions we could barely fathom.



Regards, Not

.

[TrevorConway]

Thanks a mill, Mac, Yes, some we's could go, for sure, Thanks for spotting that. Will review became as well.

Cheers!

T

[TrevorConway]

Many thanks, Not. Your level of detail is very generous, as usual. And I like how you don't let me away with things! Yes, the balcony and drop are too close to each other. I'm inclined to keep the first line, but I'll put "things of life" through the wringer again (it received a lot of wringing during the first draft already) and see what comes of it. Not digging "Overwhelmed" as a title, but I appreciate the effort. Keep 'em coming if any others pop into mind.

All the best, and chat soon.

T

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Trev,
without the first line, 'Predators' as a title?

Regards, Not


.

[TrevorConway]

Hmm, very good idea, Not, but maybe too close to the idea of sexual predators (I specifically want this poem to be about normal things that suddenly become concerns when you have a child).

Much obliged for your care and input,

T

[NotQuiteSure]

.
No problem Trev.
I hadn't got a far as 'sexual predators' (which I thought you'd hinted at in L5, anyway) - but the content would make clear
what you meant by the title. That said, 'Terra/Terror Incognita' or 'Brought to Life' ?


Regards, Not


.

[TrevorConway]

Ah, I see. I imagined less insidious things emerging from doorways, like knees or heavy objects being carried (but "knees emerging from doorways" might be just a bit too comical ) Thanks for the follow-up suggestions, but "Careful" is still top of the list for now. I should probably mention that I was gonna have "Careful!" as (part of) a refrain, since we say it so often as parents, but it ended up as the title instead. I hope that connotation (as a regular word for parents to say to children) was fairly clear already. If not, does that background make any difference to the title?

T

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Trev,
yes the intention with 'careful' was clear (that's one of the reasons I wasn't/am not that keen on it as a title), It just feels a little drab when set against the more fantastical/colourful (heightened?) imaginings plaguing the parent/narrator. I would be interested to see how/if you could use it as a refrain (perhaps a descending down a continuum from panic to long suffering reflex or as an exploration of being full of care? )
As a by the by, aren't you missing those traditional concerns about fire (don't touch that you'll ...), water (the threat of the bath), and the menace of feral beasts (other peoples pets)? Not to mention the unseen menace of germs/dirt.

Happy paranoia, Not


.

[TrevorConway]

Made some changes here. What do ye think of these? (unchanged lines in bold for context)

s1:

Familiar things were predators
once our child flexed her feet...

s2:

Staircases were sharpened teeth,
and pools of shallow water
had a stomach for bones and breath.
Our own balcony, even, betrayed us...

so we fenced our fear with the sides of cots
strung rigid as ribs against it.

s3:
We spoke of danger
before it stalked our daughter,
but we didn’t foresee
the need for stronger fences.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Trev.

s1.
My problem is still with the too vague 'things' and I was wondering if it might help to start with l2
(it's a much more striking sentence)?

Once our child flexed her feet
we began to fear predators
in the familiar ...

'predators' sets up an expectation of 'active threats' (real or perceived) that I don't think you deliver on (enough)

s2.
It's an ok substitution, but I wouldn't say that it's better than the original. It seems designed to keep 'balcony' more than anything. Maybe you need to add more 'fears' between 'stairs' and 'balcony'?
Also

We knew these things
before knowing became essential
?

s3.
I think the shorter line is better, but wondered whether 'need' could be improved upon? The whole stanza feels a little lacking in clarity. Might not 'fences' be expanded into something as interesting as the 'stairway fear'/image?


Regards, Not


PS
Once our child flexed her feet
we began to fear predators
in the familiar: Staircases
were sharpened teeth, and dark
drops waited below railings
maws for bones and flesh.

so our eyes became greedy
for information of the ahead,
what might emerge
from ordinary streets
and doorways,


Our own balcony, even, betrayed us
with gaps that seemed too generous,
....

.

[TrevorConway]

Thanks for the follow-up, Not. I replaced the second "things" with "danger" based on your previous feedback. You think reinstating the second things is better than the new danger line, I take it? (in conjunction with removing the first things, of course)

T

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Trev.

Yes.

The second 'things' was fine, it referred to what came before - clear, unambiguous antecedents - and also, perhaps, hinted at 'we' remembering all those carefuls our parents said to us when we were growing up.
The first is amorphous, references nothing specific (it's a blank you invite the reader to fill in, to no great effect.)

fenced our fears with the sides of cots - aren't you missing a 'sleep' reference here (why else would your fears be in a cot, if not to sleep?)


Regards, Not


.

[TrevorConway]

Thanks, Not.

Hmm, maybe the cot-fencing isn't clearly described. We strung/tied the sides of cots against the balcony to make it safer/more difficult to get through. Does that make sense based on how I described it? I wouldn't blame you for thinking I was getting yet another sleep deprivation reference in there

[NotQuiteSure]

.
The 'our' (L.12) is a tad misleading ('that fear with the sides ...' ?) and it raises the question: why was that the only 'fear' you addressed? Also, isn't this an example of the real 'need to build stronger fences' foreshadowing and undercutting the need for metaphorical fences ('encased our minds'). Same thing twice? Feels like it's the 'dark drops/balcony' all over again.


Regards, Not

.

[ray miller]

I can empathise with the feelings, with the possible exception of those expressed in the last line. I'm assuming the anger and dissatisfaction is the child's, but why would the adults find them difficult to fathom? Too concentrated on physical dangers to promote play and exploration?

Things of life became predators
once our child flexed her feet,
so our eyes became greedy
for information of the ahead,
what might emerge from streets and doorways,
drivers in love with their phones. - I wonder if it wouldn't be better to leave the fears unrecognised, what might emerge rather than specifying drivers?

Staircases were sharpened teeth,
and dark drops below railings
had a stomach for bones and flesh. - maybe throat rather than stomach
Our own balcony, even, betrayed us
with gaps that seemed too generous,
so we fenced our fears with the sides of cots
strung against it, rigid as ribs.

We knew these things
before they became essential, - essential seems like the wrong word, something like "overwhelming"
but we didn’t foresee
that we’d need to build stronger fences.
These encased our minds
and huddled us both together
to protect us from anger and dissatisfaction,
emotions we could barely fathom.

[TrevorConway]

Thanks again, Not.

And thanks for your input, Ray. The anger and dissatisfaction were those of the parents. Maybe I need to make that a bit clearer, along with the reasons for the anger and dissatisfaction, although I'd imagine a fair few parents would understand the dissatisfaction part

All the best,

T