Maple

[Jackie]

She wore her shroud for me
that last day we had together,
and with the slightest of shrugs
the burnt-orange wrap drifted,
barely touching her bareness,
on down upon me.
Through the winter it was her body
I recalled, not the trembling
orange veil fallen at her feet.

[Macavity]

You do like a tree poem Jackie and so do I! I enjoyed this seasonal offering. I liked the interaction, it wasn't the more familiar static picture. The fact the shroud was a burnt-orange wrap and the suggestiveness of 'disrobing' presented a fresh dynamic from the usual sombre notes.

barely touching her bareness

Not sure about the repetition there, though perhaps you wanted to reject the more obvious nakedness.

and with the slightest of shrugs

Liked the ease of that.

She wore her shroud for me
that last day we had together,
and with the slightest of shrugs,
and barely touching her nakedness,
the burnt-orange wrap drifted
down upon me.

Through the winter it was her body
I recalled, not the trembling
orange veil fallen at her feet.

Some spacing for the time progression?

best

mac

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Jackie,
like the quietness of this, the opening and the final three lines;
but stumble at L6 (I think it's the 'upon) and in the switches
from shroud to wrap to veil (why doesn't the metaphor
develop?).

Regards, Not


.

[TrevorConway]

Hi Jackie,

Thumbs-up here, too. I like the quiet tone. Like Not, I stumble on that line, both because of the grammar in general and because I find "upon" is generally too stage-poetic in a poem. How about deleting that line and making the last three lines a verse by itself? I didn't have any problem with the lack of development of the metaphor, and both shroud and wrap work for me, as I can see it being both. The veil felt a bit different, though you could just about get away with it if you don't want to change it, I think.

You could maybe add an interesting additive before "body", such as "rough", "fiery", "blushing" or whatever.

All the best,

T

[ray miller]

I like the shroud/shrug/wrap/veil, but wouldn't it work better if the veil came first and the shroud last?

[Jackie]

Thank you Mac, Not, Trevor and Ray for giving me so many aspects to work on. I actually used "veil" as a synonym for shroud, without thinking of it in connection to a wedding, but I like the drama that brings. I need to work on this.

I thought you'd like to see what inspired it:

Maple tree.jpeg (414.96 KiB) Viewed 3330 times

[TrevorConway]

No problem, Jackie. Great photo.

T

[capricorn]

Hi Jackie

This is a really beautiful poem - enjoyed the read. I also like Ray's idea of putting the veil first and the shroud last giving a slightly different perspective.

Eira