Memories of Earth

[Amadis]

It is difficult to remember.

I think I remember:

Lemon baked cheesecake
Steaming hot chips with vinegar
Rolling on the grass with you

The smell of fresh soil
A caterpillar on silken thread
The sunlight reflected from your iris

I think I remember.

It is difficult to remember.

What did we talk about?
Back when we were together
was it the weather?
Was it important?

Perhaps it was the weather.
I think I remember, it being important.

It is difficult to remember.

--V1--
How long have I been in space?
Do I miss humanity?
Do I miss the touch of more than a spacesuit?

It is difficult to remember.

I think I remember:
Lemon baked cheesecake
Steaming hot chips with vinegar
Rolling on the grass with you

I think I remember.

It is difficult to remember.

What did we talk about?
Back when we were together
was it the weather?
Was it important?

I think I remember, it being important.
Perhaps it was the weather.

It is difficult to remember.

[NotQuiteSure]

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Hi Amadis,
enjoyed the read.
Given the title do you need the first stanza?
Maybe switch the order of lines 13 and 14?
I think you need another verse of examples/memories.

Regards, Not

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[Firebird]

Hi Amadis,

I too enjoyed this poem. I agree with Not’s questioning of whether the first verse is needed. And I’d also like a few more details of memories of earth.

Cheers,

Tristan

[Amadis]

interesting how you both feel the scene-setting first stanza is not needed.
(I wonder if it would be in other times... )

Yes, Not, switching the weather / important lines is more optimistic and removes the need for a stress on was.

thanks for the read and the comments.

[Poet]

Love the revision, I feel that you are on to something here, interesting poem, I have nothing more to say. No critique.

[NotQuiteSure]

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Hi Amadis,
I'm not sure the new elements are interesting enough, they feel a little bit generic. Cheesecake and vinegar were quirky (terrible term) and particular, grass and sunlight less so. But, it is better without the opening verse.

Regards, Not

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[jcnash]

Hello Amadis,

Good call on scrapping the first verse. I really like the rewrite, particularly the repetition in the second half.

Personally, I'd like to see it with some of the adjectives removed from the beginning, eg:

I think I remember:
Lemon baked cheesecake
Hot chips with vinegar
Rolling on the grass with you

The smell of soil
A caterpillar hanging from a thread

It gets rid of some of the bulk and then leads us into the rather lovely "The sunlight reflected from your iris".

I wonder, with the first verse removed, whether the title still makes sense. You could always use that first line as the title, "It is difficult to remember".

Cheers,
nash

[Amadis]

Thanks all for the encouraging feedback and suggestions.

It seems that all agree the scene setting lines get jettisoned,
but some debate on the particulars of the images remembered...

Not:

I'm not sure the new elements are interesting enough, they feel a little bit generic. Cheesecake and vinegar were quirky (terrible term) and particular, grass and sunlight less so

I had toyed with adding some a little more carnal imagery, such as:
"The first thrill of cannibals"
"The feel of your nipples through soft cotton"

I'm open to suggestions, the form offers around six lines of description before it mirrors itself.

Jcnash:

The smell of damp soil
A caterpillar hanging from a silken thread

becomes:

The smell of soil
A caterpillar hanging from a thread

It gets rid of some of the bulk and then leads us into the rather lovely "The sunlight reflected from your iris".

Yes, shorter lines before the (what I think is supposed to be the romantic one) fits better with the syllable pattern preceding it.

[NotQuiteSure]

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Hi Amadis,
any way for the 'soft cotton' line to have a link to the 'caterpillar/thread' line?

You've got taste, smell, touch and sight but no sound (if you discount 'talk about'). Deliberate or oversight?

If you're going for shorter lines you could cut 'steaming hot' (but add 'malt' before vinegar)?

the form offers around six lines of description before it mirrors itself
Disagree, there's a whole unexplored area between lines 9 and 10.

Regards, Not


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[Amadis]

Hi Not,

Sounds like you have ideas beyond mine.
I give full permission for derivative works,
(C)opyLeft

Let a thousand memories of earth bloom!

I would love to hear other memories, perhaps it could be a thread...