Circadian Disruption (was Seasonal Adjustment revision 5)

[capricorn]

Circadian Disruption (rev5)

Maples disrobe, bedraggled
crimson in the shadows
of a feeble sun. Hedgehogs

settle beneath last season’s
rumpled throw. I laze on my sofa,
craving sugar and sunbeams.

Struggling, I stagger to the window
draw the drapes across constant dusk.
Lethargy overwhelms as I slump

deeper into my pillows,
drifting …
intermittently, until –

the hedgehog crawls out
from his dishevelled bed.
I rise –

pull back the curtains
see the sun blink through maple
arms, newly buttoning with buds.

I bask in warmth
as its rays weave a shawl
around my shoulders.

-----------------------------------------
Disruption (rev 4)

Maples disrobe, bedraggled
crimson in the shadows
of a feeble sun. Hedgehogs

settle beneath last season’s
rumpled throw. I laze on my sofa,
craving sugar and sunbeams,

stagger to the window to draw
the drapes across this dusky twilight.
Lethargy overwhelms, I slump

deeper into my pillows, drifting
intermittently away, until –
the hedgehog crawls out

from his dishevelled bed.
I rise - pull back the curtains
see the sun blink through maple

arms, newly buttoning with buds.
I bask in warmth as its rays weave
a shawl around my shoulders.

--------------------------------------------------------

Circadian Disruption (rev 3)

Maples disrobe
bedraggled crimson in the shadows
of a feeble sun. Hedgehogs rest

beneath last season’s rumpled throw.
I recline on my sofa, craving
carbohydrates and sunbeams.

Staggering to the window, I draw
the drapes across perpetual twilight.
Lethargy overwhelms as I slump

deeper into my pillows, intermittently
drifting away, until -
sun blinks through the maples,

arms newly buttoned with buds.
Its rays weave a shawl around
my shoulders. When the hedgehog

crawls out from his dishevelled bed
I rise --
and throw back the curtains.
---------------------------------
Seasonal Adjustment (rev 2)

Daylight dwindles, as maples cast
off their crimson garb in the shadows
of a feeble sun.

Hedgehogs sleep beneath
last season’s rumpled throw.
I draw the drapes across sombre

twilight and lounge on my couch.
Lethargy overwhelms as I slump
deeper into my pillows, drifting away

until

sun threads through trees,
arms now buttoned with buds.
Its warm rays weave a shawl

around my shoulders.
When the hedgehog crawls out
from his dishevelled bed

I rise.

----------------------------------------
Seasonal Adjustment (rev 1)

Shadows reflect a sapless sun
as daylight dwindles, spilling
into long sombre nights.

My garden invites a nomad
to an autumn feast -
rowan berries for a redwing.

As hedgehogs sleep beneath
last season’s rumpled sheets.
I lounge on my couch -

soon lethargy overwhelms me.
Drawing the drapes across twilight
I slump deeper into pillows

until

sun winks through trees,
arms now buttoned with buds,
its warm rays weave a shawl

around my shoulders.
Stretching, the hedgehog emerges
from his crumpled bed

as the migrant departs to forage
in far-flung lands
- and I rise.


-------------------------------------------
Seasonal Adjustment

Swallows surge from wet beds
as reeds fade, curling.
They congregate restlessly,
swing on telegraph wires
until flocking in unison
to fire-baked skies of Africa.

As they dot the horizon
melancholic shadows
reflect a sapless sun.
Daylight dwindles,
spills into long sombre nights,
disrupts circadian waves.

Hedgehogs sleep beneath
last season’s rumpled sheets.
Shrouded by a stratus duvet
lethargy overwhelms my
lounge on the couch,
binging biscuits with sugared tea,
intermittently drifting away.

Struggling to stand,
I draw the drapes across
perpetual twilight,
slump deeper into pillows
of hopelessness.

Sun winks through trees
arms now buttoned with buds,
its rays weave a shawl
around my shoulders.
Listening to swallows trill
in fresh grown reeds --
I rise.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Eira,
always intrigued by your SAD pieces, but I think the swallows (such a clichéof a bird) make this feel a little too predictable, The contrast between N and the hedgehog however (if developed a little) strikes me as much more interesting.

Just an opening suggestion

Circadian Waves


Daylight dwindles,
reflects a sapless sun.
spills into sombre nights,

the Hedgehog sleeps
beneath last season’s rumpled sheets
I slump deeper into hopelessness.


(Liked 'buttoned with buds', trees getting dressed for spring).


Regards, Not


.

[Macavity]

Hedgehogs sleep beneath
last season’s rumpled sheets.

Like the quaintness of that Eira. buttoned with buds is a lovely phrase. Phrasing such as pillows of hopelessness. and melancholic shadows feel overwritten to me.

I draw the drapes across twilight,
slump deeper into my pillows

Just a thought for a poem weighted with fewer adjectives.

best

mac

[capricorn]

.
Hi Eira,
always intrigued by your SAD pieces, but I think the swallows (such a clichéof a bird) make this feel a little too predictable, The contrast between N and the hedgehog however (if developed a little) strikes me as much more interesting.

Thanks Not,
This is an old one which was published years ago. The journal is now closed and I've dragged this out of my archives to see how I might write it now.
Yes, the swallows are overused - I did wonder instead, about using a bird that comes to here in autumn and leaves in spring. Might be different.
I will certainly keep the hedgehogs.

Just an opening suggestion

Circadian Waves


Daylight dwindles,
reflects a sapless sun.
spills into sombre nights,

the Hedgehog sleeps
beneath last season’s rumpled sheets
I slump deeper into hopelessness.


(Liked 'buttoned with buds', trees getting dressed for spring).

Thanks
Eira


Regards, Not


.

[capricorn]

Hedgehogs sleep beneath
last season’s rumpled sheets.

Like the quaintness of that Eira. buttoned with buds is a lovely phrase. Phrasing such as pillows of hopelessness. and melancholic shadows feel overwritten to me.

I draw the drapes across twilight,
slump deeper into my pillows

Just a thought for a poem weighted with fewer adjectives.

best

mac

Hi Mac,

This is an old poem I am revisiting. I like doing this to see how I might write it today. Years ago I used to write with many adjectives Now I have to decide what to keep and what to chuck! I'll be keeping the hedgehogs and arms buttoned with buds.
Thanks for your input, it's been a big help.

Eira

[ray miller]

I liked the hedgehogs too. The 3rd stanza is very good, though I'd prefer
lethargy overwhelms
my lounge on the couch,

Do swallows swing on telegraph wires? Something like chatter might be better.

slump deeper into pillows
of hopelessness. -I'd lose that line

[Jackie]

Hi Eira,

I enjoy so much of the imagery in this poem, but I stumble on the grammar.

In S1, are the swallows curling? If it is the reeds that are curling, then surely in the next sentence, it is the reeds that are congregating? If it is the birds, then they congregate, swing, and flock, don't they? Why use “flocking”?

In S2, the sequence of noun phrases—each one with an adjective—becomes repetitive.

In S3, is it lethargy that is shrouded by a stratus duvet? Who is binging and drifting? If you could substitute “lethargy overwhelms my/lounge on the couch,” with “I am overwhelmed by lethargy” you would solve both grammatical problems.

I do so love

arms now buttoned with buds,
its rays weave a shawl
around my shoulders.

Thanks,
Jackie

[TrevorConway]

Hi Eira,

Some nice moments, but some parts felt overdone (a fault of my own at times). I found it was too focused on scene-setting, in a way that felt too monotonous. A much more interesting opening would be

Listening to swallows trill
in fresh grown reeds --
I rise.

And I'd suggest more of the emotional effect on the speaker thread throughout the poem. It's better illustrated below via notes/changes. Take or leave as you see fit.

All the best,

T

Seasonal Adjustment [Title could be better. Even "Seasonal" would be better, I think]


Listening to swallows trill
in fresh grown reeds,
I rise.
They surge from wet beds, curling
into flocks bound for fiery Africa.

Daylight dwindles,
spills into long sombre nights,
disrupts circadian waves.
I draw the drapes across
perpetual twilight,
slump deeper into pillows
of hopelessness. [I think "perpetual twilight" and "hopelessness" are touches too far. Tone them down a bit?]

Hedgehogs sleep beneath
last season’s rumpled sheets.
Shrouded by a stratus duvet [Too much of a stretch for me, trying too hard]
lethargy overwhelms my
lounge on the couch,
bingeing on biscuits and sugared tea.

Sun winks through trees,
arms now buttoned with buds, [Nice image!]
its rays like a shawl
around my shoulders.

[capricorn]

Thanks to you all for your suggestions. My muse has left me in this lockdown but I've come back to this to try a revision for this one, hoping I will find inspiration. I've tried this without the swallows as Not mentioned. I have used swallows so many times in autumn poems.

Thanks again
Eira

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Eira,
I sympathise about the muse, mine’s currently A.W.O.L.
But enough of the pleasantries

I don’t think the nomadic redwing (or any migratory bird) adds to the piece. The contrast/similarities between N and the hedgehog seem much more fruitful.


Shadows reflect a sapless sun.................anything better than ‘reflect’?
days dwindle to sombre nights...............I wonder if ‘long’ isn’t implied here. I like ‘days dwindle’ and ‘sombre nights’ but not in combination. Is there a way of introducing a counterpart to ‘buttoned with buds’ here. Given the clothing in the second half, might the days be undressing, somehow? (or, The days are turning in?)

A hedgehog sleeps beneath
the last of last season’s leaves.................sleep/beneath/sheets, lounge/couch tip this verse over the edge, for me.

lethargy overwhelms me.
I slump deeper into pillows


Draw the drapes across twilight.........if you’ve ‘slumped’ how then ‘draw’? And ‘twilight’ after ‘night’?
Alternatively

lethargy overwhelms
I sink below the surface

of the pillows.


sun winks through trees..................could ‘winks’ be replaced with something that starts the ‘weaving’ metaphor? Even ‘wakes’ might be better? The sun awakens trees / now buttoning with buds // warm rays drape a shawl ?
now buttoned with buds,

warm rays weave a shawl
around my shoulders.

the hedgehog emerges
from his crumpled bed

and goes about the year / we go out into the year ?
be nice if the ending was you and the hedgehog engaging in the same/similar activity?


Regards, Not


.

[capricorn]

Hi Not,

I'm back at last with another revision, thanks to your suggestions.

I hope you find your muse again soon, but I feel many have lost theirs during the lockdown.

Best wishes
Eira

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Eira,
I think it's better for the revision but there doesn't seem enough of you/SAD or the hedgehog.
That said, and consistency being a little-minded hobgoblin, I wonder if you need the hedgehog
at all until the end? (Oh yes, and in S2, do hedgehogs sleep?)

Some rather sketchy notes.

Wondered about a tauter start?
Daylight dwindles, maples cast off/slip/slough
old crimson in the shadows
of a feeble sun. I draw the drapes

across sombre twilight
and lounge
Not mad keen on the 'lounge/couch' sonics
(and 'lounge' is a bit too casual, particularly as you follow it so quickly with 'lethargy' and 'slump')
on my couch. Lethargy overwhelms

slow winter weaves a heavy shroud(?)
I drift. Gray and unmade/ragged(?)

until

sun threads through the trees,
arms newly buttoned with buds
How is it 'weaving' after 'threading'?
...

...
As the hedgehog crawls out
from his dishevelled bed
Still think there a bit more work to do here.
I rise.


Regards, Not

[CalebPerry]

I think that with a little tweaking, the language could sound more lilting and poetic, so I took a stab at it. I know that rewriting is an obnoxious way to critique, and I apologize for that.

Seasonal Adjustment (rev 2)

Daylight dwindles, as maples cast
their crimson garb into the dying
shadows of the feeble sun.

Hedgehogs sleep beneath
last season’s rumpled throw.
I draw the drapes across the sombre

twilight and lounge on my couch.
Lethargy overwhelms me as I slump
deeper into my pillows, drifting away

until

the sun threads through trees,
arms now buttoned with buds.
Its warm rays weave a shawl

around my shoulders.
When the hedgehog crawls out
from his dishevelled bed

I rise.

A grammatical note: In the U.S. the word is spelled "disheveled". For some reason, Americans are intent on reducing words to their minimal state. Thank God that England is still there to show us how the language should be written. For the most part, I follow English spellings (and punctuation) because they make more sense -- although "sombre" is still "somber" to me, though "sombre" strikes me as more poetic somehow.

[capricorn]

Hi Perry,

Thankyou so much for offering your thoughts on this. I am very late answering as I have been without my laptop for 2 weeks which has been horrible, waiting to see if all my data can be retrieved.

Anyway, I'm back to normal now. I have revised again and hope it's an improvement.

Thanks again
Eira

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Eira,
welcome back. Glad to see you tooled up and tech-ed out.
Still not entirely sure where this one is going, but at the same time I feel it's getting closer.

A niggle of note: you've a 'rumpled throw' then you 'throw back the curtains', that's one too many throws for me

Obviously I can't let this go without some sort of critique, so ...

Circadian Disruption ............................ not really getting the realtionship between this title and the piece. If you could make it work, something as simple as Hedgehogs might do the trick.

Maples disrobe, bedraggled
crimson in the shadows
of a feeble sun. Hedgehogs

rest beneath last season’s .................... needs something better than 'rest' (apparently they 'cool'? or 'breathless'?)
rumpled throw. And I
on my sofa, craving

carbohydrates and sunbeams. ............... given that carbs are sugars why not sugar and sunbeams or summer's sweetnesses?
Enough! I stagger
to the window, draw

the heavy drapes across ....................... maybe a descriptive modifier for 'drapes'?
perpetual twilight. Lethargy ................. something a bit more colourful than 'perpetual'? To match 'crimson'
overwhelms, I slump

deeper into my pillows,

drifting

intermittently -

until, like the hedgehog crawls
from his I crawl from my dishevelled bed
-- throw back the curtains. Sun

blinks through maple arms .................... something more needlecrafty than 'blinks'?
newly buttoning with buds
and weaves a shawl around my shoulders.

Spring is dressed and waiting
for us, outside.


Regards, Not

ps if you do change 'blinks' you could use it as a replacement for 'crawls'


.

[capricorn]

.
Hi Eira,
welcome back. Glad to see you tooled up and tech-ed out.
Still not entirely sure where this one is going, but at the same time I feel it's getting closer.

A niggle of note: you've a 'rumpled throw' then you 'throw back the curtains', that's one too many throws for me

Good catch, Not, I never thought of that!

Obviously I can't let this go without some sort of critique, so ...

Of course

Circadian Disruption ............................ not really getting the realtionship between this title and the piece. If you could make it work, something as simple as Hedgehogs might do the trick.

'Circadian' because the body's rhythm has been disrupted

Maples disrobe, bedraggled
crimson in the shadows
of a feeble sun. Hedgehogs

rest beneath last season’s .................... needs something better than 'rest' (apparently they 'cool'? or 'breathless'?)
rumpled throw. And I
on my sofa, craving

carbohydrates and sunbeams. ............... given that carbs are sugars why not sugar and sunbeams or summer's sweetnesses?
Enough! I stagger
to the window, draw

True- carbohydrates are sugars (sounds better than carbohydrates too)

the heavy drapes across ....................... maybe a descriptive modifier for 'drapes'?
perpetual twilight. Lethargy ................. something a bit more colourful than 'perpetual'? To match 'crimson'
overwhelms, I slump

deeper into my pillows,

drifting

intermittently -

until, like the hedgehog crawls
from his I crawl from my dishevelled bed
-- throw back the curtains. Sun

blinks through maple arms .................... something more needlecrafty than 'blinks'?
newly buttoning with buds
and weaves a shawl around my shoulders.

Spring is dressed and waiting
for us, outside.

I seem to have missed the ending of your thoughts so I'll have to give this a look later. I have used some of your suggestions for my last revision.

ThanksEira

Regards, Not

ps if you do change 'blinks' you could use it as a replacement for 'crawls'


.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Eira,
improved but I'm not really feeling the connection between N and the hedgehog.

Still can't follow the sequence of 'laze on my sofa' to 'stagger to the window' (there's no intervening action).

I understood 'circadian' but that idea of 'disruption' doesn't apply to the hedgehog (or the migratory birds of earlier versions) which is where I became confused.

...

settle beneath last season’s
rumpled throw. I laze on my sofa, craving
sugar and sunbeams, stagger

to the window and draw the drapes
across this dusky twilight. ..........................I admit, these last suggestions may not make it lethargic enough
Lethargy overwhelms, I slump

again into pillows, drifting
intermittently away,
(leave a space for the intermittent drifting )

I'm not convinced by the last three verses.
'drapes' become 'curtains'?
Rather then pulling back the curtains couldn't N be opening a door and going outside to 'bask'?
Something the more closely links them and the hedgehog?
And how does 'blinking' tie in to 'buttoning' and 'weaving'?

Regards, Not


.

[capricorn]

I've tweaked this a bit more, Not and think I'll give it a rest for now as I'm starting to overthink it!

Eira