In the Park a Pond

[NotQuiteSure]

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v2.
In the park a pond


Behind a chain-link fence and gate
we never once saw open;
a songless autumn
of grey leaf-light and old water.
Even in summer.

Even in that summer
when whole fields died for want
and the earth cracked like a scab.
It was autumn there, damp
and deep enough to drown a child.


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In the Park a Pond


Behind a chain-link fence and gate
none of us had ever seen open,
a songless autumn of grey leaf-light
and old water. Even in summer.
Even in that summer
when whole fields died for want
and the earth cracked like a scab
it was autumn there; damp and deep
enough to drown a child.

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[Firebird]

and the earth cracked like a scab

This is a great line and for me the image is very powerful and works well in the context. I’ll be back later today with a full crit.

Cheers,

Tristan

[Firebird]

Hi Not,

I like what you are doing here - using the dried out ground as a metaphor for loss. I think it works well. It has complexity, which I like and it travels in many ways. I like the distance that talking about the pond offers, rather than talking about ones feelings. This distance works well considering the topic: one’s child drowning.

I’m assuming that in summer the pond is mostly dried out?

I really like that you N cannot forget the way the pond is in Autumn. In a permanent state of loss.

Some specific comments below.

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In the Park a Pond


Behind a chain-link fence and gate (shouldn’t it be ‘chain-linked’? It sound ugly though either way.)
none of us had ever seen open,
a songless Autumn of grey leaf-light (I like ‘grey leaf-light’.)
and old water. Even in Summer. (Why ‘old’?)
Even in that Summer (I don’t fully understand this line. Is this the summer after the child died?)
when whole fields died for want (it begs the question ‘for want of what? I’m assuming literally water)
and the earth cracked like a scab (so I’m assuming this is a meta complex metaphor for healing a type of painful healing from loss? Works well if so)
it was Autumn there; damp and deep
enough to drown a child.

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Hope this helps.

Cheers,

Tristan

[Macavity]

Effectively grim and chilling Not. There is an age to that water that the child never lived.

best

mac

[NotQuiteSure]

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Hi Tristan, mac,
thanls for the read and critique.

I’m assuming that in summer the pond is mostly dried out?
You'd have to climb the fence to find out, but that does seem like a fair assumption.

(shouldn’t it be ‘chain-linked’? It sound ugly though either way.)
As far as I can tell no. 'Ugly'? I prefer to see it as a well struck discordant note (but happy for suggestions).

(I like ‘grey leaf-light’.)
And here was me looking for a replacement

(Why ‘old’?)
partly an old/young contrast (à la mac) and the rest because (as far as I know) ponds are standing water (so an attempt at a fresh flowing stream/stagnant pool comparison) and, if you really, really wanted to stretch the point, for a hint of bog bodies.

a meta complex metaphor
Who? Me?


Regards, Not

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[capricorn]

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In the Park a Pond


Behind a chain-link fence and gate
none of us had ever seen open,
a songless autumn of grey leaf-light
and old water. Even in summer.
Even in that summer
when whole fields died for want
and the earth cracked like a scab
it was autumn there; damp and deep
enough to drown a child.

.

A powerful poem Not, especially 'the earth cracked like a scab'. Very visual and metaphoric.

Also like 'grey leaf-light' - please don't change that!

Great work
Eira

[Poet]

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In the Park a Pond


Behind a chain-link fence and gate
none of us had ever seen open,
a songless autumn of grey leaf-light
and old water. Even in summer.
Even in that summer
when whole fields died for want
and the earth cracked like a scab
it was autumn there; damp and deep
enough to drown a child.

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Pretty idyllic and grim for sure, I have nothing else to say about this piece.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Eira,
thanks for the read.
It's been suggested (elsewhere) that the first line needs a verb (so I wondered about adding Lies to the end of the title, any thoughts?)

Also like 'grey leaf-light' - please don't change that!

Well, because it's you, ok then.

I have nothing else to say about this piece.

I'll take that as a plus

Regards, Not

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[capricorn]

It's been suggested (elsewhere) that the first line needs a verb (so I wondered about adding Lies to the end of the title, any thoughts?)

Personally, I think the 1st line reads ok without a verb, but if you added 'lies' to the end of the title that would be ok too. It would read very smoothly. I suppose the decision is yours.

Eira

[NotQuiteSure]

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Thanks Eira,
I'm inclined to go verb-less. Livin' on the edge and all that!

Regards, Not

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