Escape from Routine (rev1)

[capricorn]

Postcard (rev 1)

Dolphin towels and psychedelic
swimwear tumble to a washing rhythm,

a plastic bucketful of kelp,
for grandma’s aches, vibrates.

Preparing tea
I drift away…

We zig-zag dunes, explore,
sand scratching between toes;

treasures spill over from
our Mickey Mouse pail.

Weary feet are soothed in rockpools;
we giggle at the tickle of tiddlers’ fins.

The ocean’s gentle sloshing is drowned
by children’s whoops, seagulls skwarking.

We join pasty bodies reclining,
basted loins ready for the barbecue.

… I float back

to whispered secrets, collaged shell
pictures, painted pebble

paper weights for Christmas presents
and the smell of fish

fingers burning
– ‘tea’s ready kids!’


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Escape from routine

Dolphin towels and gaudy swimwear
tumble in rhythm of the wash.

On top, a plastic bucket of kelp,
gathered for grandma’s aching feet.



We zig-zag dunes, explore,
sand scratching between toes;

shells and pebbles collected
in a Mickey Mouse pail.

Swollen ankles relieved in rockpools;
we giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle.

The ocean’s gentle sloshing is drowned
by children’s shouts, seagull’s screeches.

We join pasty bodies reclining,
basted ready to roast.

From a nearby barbecue, wafts
of fresh plaice, spice the salty air



… I float back to whispers, children
making shell pictures for grandparents,

pebble paperweights are painted
for friend’s Christmas presents.

I smell fish fingers - almost burning!
Tea’s ready, kids.”

[Poet]

A cute little piece here, love the snapshots on the realities of urban life. I do find that it goes on for too long, but still I think you could make it more powerful if it were shorter like a senryu.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Eira,
unless this is another oldie, might this be 'the return of the muse'?
I enjoyed the read (some great sonics) but thought it didn't flow quite as well as it should, and I thought the ending (love the fish fingers!) had one element too many (shells/pictures/grandparents/friends/paperweights/fish fingers).
The title is a little underwhelming also. Postcard?
Shouldn't the italicised be in plain and the plain in italics?
You end with a speech mark, but I can't see where that speech begins.

Dolphin towels and gaudy swimwear ..............................after 'dolphin' 'gaudy' is a little pale.
tumble to a washing rhythm, kelp,

a plastic bucketful, for grandma’s
aching feet, vibrates

I float ...

We zig-zag dunes, explore
the scratch of sand between toes; ............................... first feet then toes?

shells and curios overflow ............................... any alternative to 'pebbles' as you use it later.
Mickey Mouse's pail.

Swollen ankles soothed in rock pools;
we giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle. .............................love the sonics of this couplet (L2 in particular) but it (L1) feels like a repeat of 'grandma's aching feet'. Is the appostrophe misplaced? Tiddlers' plural?
weary waders soothed in rock pools
we giggle as the tiddlers' tickle ?

The ocean’s gentle sloshing drowns
the children’s shouts, the ________ of seagulls .... anything better than 'screeches' (or 'shouts' come to that)?

We join pasty bodies reclining,
basted ready to roast. ......................... like the image, but 'roast' before 'barbecue' doesn't quite work for me.

From a nearby barbecue, wafts ....................... wafts! Oh no, no, no. Come on Eira.
of fresh plaice, spice the salty air .................... Matter of fact, why not cut this cutlet couplet entirely?

We join the pasty rows of bodies
basted breasts all ready for the barbecue ?


… I float

back to conspiratorial whisperes, pictures
made of shell and glue, the painted pebble

paperweights, future Christmas presents
in the making, and the smell of fish

fingers - almost burning! ................................would it work without the 'almost'?
"Tea’s ready, kids.”

If the narrator is the one doing the cooking it would help to have a hint of this before the reverie begins. If not, leave as is (but I'm wondering who's saying "Tea's ready"?)


Regards, Not

.

[capricorn]

A cute little piece here, love the snapshots on the realities of urban life. I do find that it goes on for too long, but still I think you could make it more powerful if it were shorter like a senryu.

Hi Poet,

Have started pruning this - haven't written a senryu for years, I used to love them. Don't think I could condense this into 3 lines though.

Eira

[capricorn]

.
Hi Eira,
unless this is another oldie, might this be 'the return of the muse'?
I enjoyed the read (some great sonics) but thought it didn't flow quite as well as it should, and I thought the ending (love the fish fingers!) had one element too many (shells/pictures/grandparents/friends/paperweights/fish fingers).
The title is a little underwhelming also. Postcard?
Shouldn't the italicised be in plain and the plain in italics?
You end with a speech mark, but I can't see where that speech begins.

Hi Not,
this is another oldie, although I have written a new one about lockdown -
that's all I seem to have on my mind.(will post shortly)

I like your suggestion of Postcard for a title.
I did have the italics & plain the other way round - why did I change it?
Have used some of your suggestions in revision

Dolphin towels and gaudy swimwear ..............................after 'dolphin' 'gaudy' is a little pale.
tumble to a washing rhythm, kelp,

a plastic bucketful, for grandma’s
aching feet, vibrates

I float ...

We zig-zag dunes, explore
the scratch of sand between toes; ............................... first feet then toes?

shells and curios overflow ............................... any alternative to 'pebbles' as you use it later.
Mickey Mouse's pail.

Swollen ankles soothed in rock pools;
we giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle. .............................love the sonics of this couplet (L2 in particular) but it (L1) feels like a repeat of 'grandma's aching feet'. Is the appostrophe misplaced? Tiddlers' plural?
weary waders soothed in rock pools
we giggle as the tiddlers' tickle ?




Have reduced the feet/toes/ankles etc. Changed it to Grandma's aches

The ocean’s gentle sloshing drowns
the children’s shouts, the ________ of seagulls .... anything better than 'screeches' (or 'shouts' come to that)?

We join pasty bodies reclining,
basted ready to roast. ......................... like the image, but 'roast' before 'barbecue' doesn't quite work for me.

From a nearby barbecue, wafts ....................... wafts! Oh no, no, no. Come on Eira.
of fresh plaice, spice the salty air .................... Matter of fact, why not cut this cutlet couplet entirely?

We join the pasty rows of bodies
basted breasts all ready for the barbecue ?

I see where you are coming from here - good idea, although basted breasts hints at chicken. I really wanted to keep a fish theme to tie in with fish fingers at the end - but I have found that loins is a cut of fish and of course a body part.
… I float

back to conspiratorial whisperes, pictures
made of shell and glue, the painted pebble

paperweights, future Christmas presents
in the making, and the smell of fish

fingers - almost burning! ................................would it work without the 'almost'?
"Tea’s ready, kids.”

If the narrator is the one doing the cooking it would help to have a hint of this before the reverie begins. If not, leave as is (but I'm wondering who's saying "Tea's ready"?)

Hope the revision makes this clearer

Eira
Regards, Not

.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Eira.
Oldie or not, it's a fun read (and improved by the revision). Possibly as close to a holiday as some people will get this year.


Dolphin towels and psychedelic ...........maybe Disney (since you've MM later) swimwear
swimwear tumble to a washing rhythm, .........to the washers rhythm?

a plastic bucketful of kelp,
for their grandma’s aches, vibrates.

Preparing tea ............. maybe At the stove or something to avoid the use of tea?
I drift away… ............ don't think you need away but is there a better phrase for this idea?
And something to explain what prompts the reverie. Where's the Madeleine for this moment?
Don't know if this would work but
At the stove
the smell of fish, I drift

We zig-zag down the dunes, explore,
grains of sand scratch between toes;

treasures over flow spill over from
our Mickey Mouse pail. ...........maybe the for our to avoid the American pejorative of mickey mouse
(or make it our yellow Mickey Mouse's pail)?

Weary feet are soothed in rockpools;
we giggle at the tickle of tiddlers’ fins. ....... tiddlers' fins tickle, we giggle?

The ocean’s gentle sloshing is drowned
by children’s whoops, seagulls skwarking. ........... still seems like there should be some better way to express this.
by children's screams, seagulls attack (our chips) ?

We join pasty bodies reclining, ..................we join the lines (or even, dots) of pasty bodies?
basted loins ready for the barbecue. ........... infantile of me, I know, but basted loins sends me ... astray. How about 'boneless fillets for the barbie'?
(was wondering if there isn't a 'lotion sickness' joke here somewhere? Or a factor-50 reference?)

… I float and back

to whispered secrets, collaged shell
pictures, painted pebble ............... think you could get away without pictures
to whispered secrets, shell collages
tacky glue and painted pebble

paper weights for Christmas presents
and the smell of fish

fingers burning
– ‘tea’s ready kids!’ ...........maybe a little more speech at the end?
fingers burning 'Quick,
come on, sit down! Tea's ready kids.'


Regards, Not

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