In the Shape of a Diamond V4 (Previously 'Parked the Bike')

[bjondon]

Tight packed triangles,
four high, two wide.

From the second row the central triangle
shimmies up a quarter
trailing a shallow bowl of shadow.

Two triangles at its shoulders
fill halfway to black trapeziums.

Two white circles, appearing at their sides,
elongate upwards to the height of two triangles
then sink down a quarter and sharpen their ends.

Across the triangle on whose point this whole structure rests
two lines splicing it to thirds.

The lower one thickens,
the upper one widens to a triangle's width
and gains a thin upward arching shadow.

A black pearl drops from the lowest triangle,
steadily widens then tapering, lifts
to a hammock
spanning the width of one triangle and a half.

Echoing the slender balloons,
two more, half their height, cluster to their sides,
their points angled in by cables to the hammock ends,
their rounded tops level with the twin trapeziums.

Two small white circles,
half hidden, hang beneath them.

And gracing the outer edges of the taller balloons
a delineating form then arcs over the whole,
one half triangle above the diamond.




Parked the bike

Just Three Words and Just Three Hours!
Bloody no name roads, rough tracks. Climbing
a steep embankment now, concrete steps.
Next order scrolling in. Are you having a laugh?

Railings.
Not too solid. Pretty deep pit. This is some gaff!
Like a giant whisky still. Four or five metres across.
Stuck up on a column, braced with steel hawsers, pipes
coming down. No lights, no windows, no way across.

Coming round the front now. Jesus it's a head!
Did you know about this? A giant fucking head.
Oh, a regular.

Looks like a cut and shut nuclear sub.
A Gormley. A secret Gormley. Looks more
ghastly to me. What's the order?

So how do I get across? Oh, a bit of salad.
Hang on. This is clever.
Zip wire, harness. Do I just hook the box up?

Ok, shoulder straps, crotch. Make sure I pull them tight.
Trussed up here. No sign of life over there. Oh yes,
this is cool. The door, the 'mouth' is cranking open.


--------------------------------------




V2
An oval ground plan with a roof like a risen loaf
Cantilevered up as if from a keel-throated boat
The gutterline appears to frown

Down to a pendulant tri-spherical schlong
While the half bell door invites
Outlandish thoughts of it swivelling upwards

With a petulant "dong"
Predictably enough twin baggy balconies
Loom, lights on or off

And twice in each 24 hour cycle
From far below ground
Comes a hollow, enquiring cough

It's up for hire
They say it sleeps less than one
Exists for nothing less than fun



--------------------------------

The House

Oval walls
With a roof like a loaf
Rising two storeys
From a keel-throated boat

Ring the half bell door
Proud on the bow
See my furrowed roofline drop
To an inverted prow

Glance up to basket balconies
Darkly eyed
Clad with shields of war
Each one to either side

Hero harken now
This palpitating earth
Stand your ground
Cement your berth

And let your heart
Transparentise
Unveil your face
To multiple eyes

Then crackles forth
Insectile swivelling armament
Leave it by the bins
You have my consent

[Macavity]

Just stopping by to say some delightful sonics. Still pondering.

Phil

[Macavity]

Oval walls......................like an egg
With a roof like a loaf.....flat
Rising two storeys ............standard
From a keel-throated boat...I'm picturing a narrow boat on a canal

Ring the half bell door...shape of, visitor
Proud on the bow...location
See my furrowed roofline drop....to run off rain?
To an inverted prow...shape

Glance up to basket balconies... properties above
Darkly eyed......unlit, threat
Clad with shields of war......curtains, defensive
Each one to either side

Hero harken now......battle theme, principles
This palpitating earth... heartbeat, nature
Stand your ground...threat from developments
Cement your berth...fixidity, refusal to move on

And let your heart....emotion rather than rational
Transparentise....honesty
Unveil your face...reveal not hide viewpoint
To multiple eyes... judgement of other

Then crackles forth....marching
Insectile swivelling armament....like a tank turret
Leave it by the bins...discard weaponry
You have my consent... permission, defuses confrontation

Just nibbling. Overall I got dispute/threat, but anger controlled.

Hope that helps some.

Phil

[littlebirdsaved]

Not really my style of poetry, but I still enjoyed it. The flow was nice. The imagery was spot-on.

[bjondon]

Thank you Phil and lbs.
The sonics are key for me, so I'm glad you both picked up on that, but I think I may have sacrificed some (most?) of the sense.
The key image is supposed to be a house in the shape of a human head.
lbs - you said the imagery was 'spot on', but not sure if you got that.
Phil - very much appreciate the full surveyor's report which does seem to have revealed a few leaks!
'oval' - supposedly the floor plan
'roof like a loaf' - I was hoping that would conjure a domed roof
'keel-throated boat' - I was thinking of the boat base as chin and neck, and not afloat (this whole boat theme may be too confusing).
'inverted prow' - nose
'basket balconies' - eyes and ocular bones
'shields of war' - cheek bones/cheeks

I wanted the resonance and feel of a nursery rhyme or riddle so 'outlandish' is fine but outright inaccuracy not.

The narrative is a delivery driver interacting with the owner through a security system. So there's a theme of alienation with the anger/threat latent in the architecture/technology.

Best, Jules

[camus]

Yes, like others I've just ingested the sonics, it can't be helped!

Whether the content has suffered, I've yet to tell. But initially, excellent.

Cheers
Kris

[bjondon]

Thank you Kris, I fear it's irremediable.
A reincarnation attempted . . .

Jules

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Jules,
like the sonics, but not seeing much sense.
The 'delivery driver' seems to have moved on by v2.

Not sure how you get from 'plan' to risen loaf' (and how would one know the plan if approaching from the front at ground level?)
The paranoia of v1 was interesting, v2 seems like some odd air b 'n b ad.

But what do I know?

In plan an oval, with a roof,
round and burnished like a loaf.
Cantilevered up, the silhouette
a boat, head on, in dry-dock.
The gutter a receding hairline


Regards, Not.


.

[Macavity]

Going back to the original.

A delivery driver interacting with the owner through a security system

Title to frame a reading of the poem?

Or subsection titles...House/Face/Intercom?
--------------------------------

The House

Oval walls
With a roof like a loaf
Rising two storeys
From a keel-throated boat

Ring the half bell door
Proud on the bow
See my furrowed roofline drop
To an inverted prow

Glance up to basket balconies
Darkly eyed
Clad with shields of war
Each one to either side

Hero harken now
This palpitating earth
Stand your ground
Cement your berth

And let your heart
Transparentise
Unveil your face
To multiple eyes

Then crackles forth
Insectile swivelling armament
Leave it by the bins
You have my consent

[bjondon]

Apologies for that terrible V2.
Thanks for the steers Not and Phil. Duly fed into the computer.

Best, Jules

[NotQuiteSure]

Apologies for that terrible V2.

Apology accepted

Hi Jules,
better in some ways, but who is N talking to, and why? There are a few too many comparisons for me (whisky still/a head/cut and shut/Gormley) and the zip wire (how can you have a zip wire and no suspended Johnson these days?).

Just Three Words and Just Three Hours! .......... don't know what this means, but it sounds like the title


Bloody no name roads, rough tracks. Climbing
a steep embankment, concrete steps. Next
order scrolling in. Are you having a laugh?

Fuck me! This is some gaff!
Like a giant whisky still.
Four or five metres across. ....................... any way of doing this less ... mundanely?
Stuck up on a column, braced with steel

hawsers, pipes coming down (all Richard Rogers).
No lights, no windows, no way across.
Coming round the front now. Jesus it's a head!
Did you know about this? A giant fucking head.

Oh, a regular. Looks like a cut and shut
nuclear sub. A Gormley. A secret Gormley?
Looks more ghastly to me. What's the order?

So how do I get across? Oh, a bit of salad.
Hang on. This is clever.
Zip wire, harness. Do I just hook the box up?

Ok, shoulder straps, crotch. Make sure I pull them tight.
Trussed up here. No sign of life over there. Oh yes,
this is cool. The door, the 'mouth' is cranking open. ........... feels one verse shy of an ending.

I miss the cameras, the security paranoia of the original, and the sense that there was someone in the house. The 'cranking open' doesn't do it for me. Too soulless mechanical.
Also, why does N have to go across, can't they just attach the package (or whatever they're supposed to be delivering) to the wire and leave? You're going to tell me they need a signature, right?

Regards, Not

.

[Macavity]

Enjoyable and entertaining delivery Jules. The sonic splendour of the original? No. Problem is you have provided the answers to the riddle. Or could that be the solution. Like Camus/Kris Vietnam poem: a write in two stages. The clarity of an unriddled prose section followed/preceded by the riddled poem. Just a thought.

Phil

[bjondon]

Thanks Not and Phil,
On a circuitous route here. Unorthodox workshopping, I know .
The delivery driver was really just a device, and foregrounded it seems to draw me towards the jokey/facetious.
The riddle is the point. I'm interested in using words to explore visual perception, specifically our bizarre gap between registering and seeing familiar forms.
So the intent here (V4) to create an involving verbal process that may possibly bridge that gap.

Thanks Not for some very valid points. More specifically :
The voice - yes, too muddy (supposedly a mix of monologue and comms from HQ). Just monologue would be better.
'Just Three Words' - a popular (and extraordinary) location App (known to all post-apocalyptic Domino's drivers)
Gormley/whiskey/sub - having abandoned the abstract volumes approach, if anything a few more scattergun similes might be required
ghastly - Did anyone get my brilliant Gormenghast joke?
'one verse shy of an ending' - I know what you mean. Supposedly he's being eaten (alt title: Just Eat)

Best, Jules

[Macavity]

ghastly - Did anyone get my brilliant Gormenghast joke?

Can't say I did Jules, but now you point it out....

I'm interested in using words to explore visual perception, specifically our bizarre gap between registering and seeing familiar forms.
So the intent here (V4) to create an involving verbal process that may possibly bridge that gap.

Well, it is an ambition, but I'm easily muddled and I found myself trying to perceive the geometry into a recognisable whole and failing. Registering nothing beyond a flying machine or, with the aid of the previous title, a bike. I think the geometry works rather well for a bike. The experience was interesting.

Riddle poem....
https://www.poetrybyheart.org.uk/poems/ ... card-home/


Not much help I'm afraid Jules. No thought of having a reveal in a concluding line? Or, even more reader friendly, a title to clue the read. It would defeat the 'riddle', but let the reader into that world of perception/register you mentioned. I feel the experience of that, rather than riddle decoding, is more relevant/rewarding.

cheers

Phil