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Shepherdess
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Last edited by Shepherdess on Wed Oct 24, 2007 8:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Jester
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Shepherdess
"killing the men who had slaughtered her kin,
slaying him quickly no doubt creeping in, " - Killing the man, or slaying them?
"with equalities roar" - I'm afraid I can't make this out. Where does the roar come from apart from to semi-rhyme with war?
"defending her loved ones and revenging them to" -
"defending her loved ones, avenging them too"?
Sorry Shep, but there's a lot more to poetry than getting words to rhyme. The following are copied from Cameron's "Handy Hints: Writing Contemporary Poetry" (available on the main forum index) -
*Avoid using abstractions. 'Love', 'Beauty', 'God', 'Truth' etc mean different things to different people. So try to be specific.
*Show, don't tell. Remember Eliot's 'objective correlative'. Find a way of showing how an emotion affects you or your character. 'She is sad' = telling. 'She slumps on the sofa eating Mars Bars non-stop' = showing.
*If you use rhyme - consider whether you are controlling it or it is controlling you. If the latter, then maybe you should try free verse or half rhyme.
Hope you don't find this too harsh - it's no use telling you this poem is wonderful because we're all here to improve. Some of your other work goes much further toward "painting pictures" for us. My best suggestion is that you drop the rhyme for a while and concentrate on the "showing".
Mick
"killing the men who had slaughtered her kin,
slaying him quickly no doubt creeping in, " - Killing the man, or slaying them?
"with equalities roar" - I'm afraid I can't make this out. Where does the roar come from apart from to semi-rhyme with war?
"defending her loved ones and revenging them to" -
"defending her loved ones, avenging them too"?
Sorry Shep, but there's a lot more to poetry than getting words to rhyme. The following are copied from Cameron's "Handy Hints: Writing Contemporary Poetry" (available on the main forum index) -
*Avoid using abstractions. 'Love', 'Beauty', 'God', 'Truth' etc mean different things to different people. So try to be specific.
*Show, don't tell. Remember Eliot's 'objective correlative'. Find a way of showing how an emotion affects you or your character. 'She is sad' = telling. 'She slumps on the sofa eating Mars Bars non-stop' = showing.
*If you use rhyme - consider whether you are controlling it or it is controlling you. If the latter, then maybe you should try free verse or half rhyme.
Hope you don't find this too harsh - it's no use telling you this poem is wonderful because we're all here to improve. Some of your other work goes much further toward "painting pictures" for us. My best suggestion is that you drop the rhyme for a while and concentrate on the "showing".
Mick
I liked this one Shep, the movment of the lines showed resignation in what the warrior is compelled to do.
I also wasn't sure about the rhyme roar, do you mean 'equality's roar'?
I think you are reinforcing that she isn't picking or choosing, but treating all her victims equally, but not sure about how this works.
I liked the theme. Thank you xxx
I also wasn't sure about the rhyme roar, do you mean 'equality's roar'?
I think you are reinforcing that she isn't picking or choosing, but treating all her victims equally, but not sure about how this works.
I liked the theme. Thank you xxx