family

[starlight]

Forever patient and caring.
Sister, brother, father, mother.
Love is stronger than any other
so cherish it forever.
Anger never was a problem and pain never accured.
Sitting at the breakfast table talking, smiling and laughing.
But the family might have some skeletons in the closet...

[RobertFlorey]

Forever patient and caring.
Sister ,brother ,father ,mother.
Love is stronger than any other
so cherish it forever.

I think you could extend this a lot more.
Right now it says that there is at least one family
with two parents and two children who are
so patient and caring that they never lose their
tempers and always show complete solidarity.
Which is better than the told family shows, like
'Leave it to Beaver' ever did.

And then this is followed by a moral,
cherish love forever.

"Forever" is hyperbole. If we take it literally, it means that
we must spend all eternity being loving, cherishing and patient.

It doesn't seem to allow for the normal range of human feelings.

Truthfully, I'm left wondering how long it's going to be before
someone in this family commits mass murder on the rest.

How about some scenes in which family members are being show
to be patient, to be caring, and showing tenderness and affection,
which is what 'cherishing' means?

Then we can actually see how it works, and we can figure out
the moral for ourselves.

As an outline, an idea, I think this is excellent, but if you flesh it
out with some details, I think you'll really do yourself proud.

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

Starlight, I thought this poem was really naff until I read the last line. Suddenly I loved it. That is so dark!

Just one little nit-pick: when you do commas, put the comma directly after the word and the space after the comma (like I did in the line above). I know it is minor but it is a convention that I am used to.

Also did you mean "accrued" in the line...

Anger never was a problem and pain never accured.

and "maybe" in the following line?

But mabye the Family is hiding some dark secrets.

I write mine in a word processor first. Then I can run a spelling checker over them before committing them to the forum.

Robert said

... I'm left wondering how long it's going to be before
someone in this family commits mass murder on the rest.

Me too, but I don't want any more detail.

I like your sinister mind

Cheers
Dave

[twoleftfeet]

Hmmm - the Family with a capital "F". Is this deliberate?
If so, are they Mafiosi or some other dodgy clan?

I like it when there are such possibilites to ponder, but other than
that I feel the poem is a little sparse.
Perhaps, as Robert suggests, you could show a family scene.

Perhaps, also, you could raise the spectre of skeletons in the cupboard
without directly reporting it?

Geoff